Tuesday, November 23, 2010

365/14: Cael

Last year I started a blog posting project called x365 which is supposed to be a year-long journey, writing short vignettes about 365 people who have touched your life.

The idea was started and finished by someone else. His project is completed but you can check it out by linking to him HERE (and you can check out those written by others.)

I got thinking about it. It is something which completely captivates me and yet scares me at the same time. Obviously the people who have had an impact in my life have not all had a good one. Do I even remember or KNOW 365 people? This is something that has the potential to be offensive, and yet I keep coming back to thoughts of the project and thinking I will do it.

I have not posted anything on my project 365 in a long time, but I thought I would get back to it... so here we go....

My son. My baby.
It is amazing to me how someone so small, so young, could impact my life so much in such a short time.

Cael came to us when he was one day old. I have known him his whole life!
He was tiny, under 5 pounds when he came home.

This boy is my heart.
When we knew he was able to be adopted, we immediately planned to adopt him ourselves. In January of 2010 we met with caseworkers and adoption workers (3 people in our tiny kitchen) who told us that although we had applied and been accepted to adopt him there had been a "problem" with our file and we were not "correctly matched" and that Cael would be put onto the adoption website because babies were highly adoptable and there was probably a family who had been waiting longer than we had who would be a better match for Cael than we were.
I cannot express in words the agony and anguish that I experienced in that moment. My entire world completely collapsed. This baby who we knew and had cared for from the day after his birth was going to be taken away from us. They also told us at this time, even though we had been through the adoption process to become an approved home, that we were no longer an approved home and if we wanted to adopt a child in the future we needed to start at the very beginning and have a worker come to our home to do an assessment. (This had been done already.)
I thought I was going to lose my baby. I thought he was going to be taken away. I thought at that moment that I could not handle it and I could not allow myself to love him, or to bond with him any longer. I thought I needed to steel my heart for the inevitable separation.

My little boy would not have any part of it. He loves me. He RUNS to me when I come in the door at night. when I call out,  "I'm Home!" He yells "YAY!" He hates to see me leave to work in the morning and he cries when I leave. We watch tv together. He snuggles into my shoulder. He melts into my body. He loves me completely. He laughs and my soul sings. He is my light.

We fought the decision that was made in January and the fight was a brutal one. We jumped through more hoops and went to more meetings and signed more papers, and had more intrusion into our lives and 11 months later (11 months and 6 days after we were told we could not adopt him) a judge signed the adoption order and made us a family.

Cael has danced his way into my heart. My little humpback whale.