Transitions - FAS

One of the things I posted about in an earlier blog on FASD was “transitioning” – moving from one thing to another. Transitions happen all day, every day without us even being aware of it. We transition from sleep to wake, from bed to breakfast, from breakfast to the bathroom, then to work, then from task to task at work... you get my point.  Some people on the FAS spectrum have difficulty transitioning from one task to the next.

For example, I am a follower of time. So I would prepare the kids to go to bed by saying – it is bedtime in ten minutes, it is bedtime in five minutes, it is bedtime in one minute, it is time to start heading up the stairs to bed now.  While this “preparation” - letting everyone know that the transition was coming up – helped for some of our kids, we still had one that would start to cry, no matter what, every night. Did I mention EVERY NIGHT? Sometimes transitions cause tears, sometimes tantrums, sometimes complete nuclear meltdowns. It was frustrating for me because I like SMOOTH transitions and I was using a tool that I felt should work for everyone. My spouse – in all her infinite wisdom – one day pointed out to me that my transition process, though it seemed like it was natural to me, was unnatural to the child who was melting down because we had started a video (another part of the night time ritual) and the video had not come to a complete end. While I viewed the announcement of time intervals as being helpful, it still seemed unnatural to our one child because the show had not ended. I have had to adapt my preparation for transition to bed.

Another of our children has difficulty with transitioning from being on the school bus to being at home. It is a long ride, he is hungry and thirsty and tired, and the rules of the bus and the rules of home are different. On a daily basis he would fall apart before even making it to the house. One thing that we have made readily available is a snack for the kids IMMEDIATELY. They need to have their sugar levels raised ( kids on the FAS spectrum burn more sugar than other kids – which is a post for another day) but having that increase in blood sugar levels is CRITICAL to us at that time of day to assist with that transition.

Unfortunately, not every kid has difficulty with every transition and not every strategy works for every transition, and then to further complicate matters, not every strategy is successful every time – even if it has been successful in the past!

What I need to remind myself of is that it is not my fault that the kids are having meltdowns. It is not my fault that the kids are having trouble with transitions. It is not my fault, and it does not make me a bad parent. It isn’t about me! It is only my responsibility to not get upset and to continue to look for ways to assist in easing the transition.  I had to remind myself of this last night. Our kids had been at respite for a few days. Although the break is needed to recharge our batteries, the transition for the kids from being at a respite provider to coming back home is fraught with tears, and tantrums.  We sometimes skip the respite so we can avoid the transition!
I went to pick up the kids and I was VERY happy to see them. I missed them a lot. Some of them were thrilled to see me. One of them was not. He was mad, he stomped his feet, he yelled, he said unkind things. I reminded myself he was struggling with the transition and I spoke to him quietly. I told him I loved him no matter what and that I was sad he was not happy to see me (he said he wasn’t) and that I was always happy to see him and to have him come home. He even let me hold his hand as we drove home.

He was still mad, he still stomped his feet and said unkind things, BUT I was able to handle the transition better because I didn’t get upset that he was not happy to see me. I had to keep an internal dialogue goin, I won’t lie. I want the kids to be happy to see me, but I need to understand that it is not something they are in control of, and if I get upset about it the situation does not improve!  Sometimes I do better at this than others. Last night was a particularly good night for me because I was remembering these things and trying to put them into practise, but believe me we have had some UGLY homecomings where I felt like the kids were better off to stay in respite if they hated coming home so much.

This morning his transition from sleep to wake was a great one and he was happy to see me this morning. So all is good for now – until the next transition!

more on foster parenting, and not just in my own words!

My writing on the topic of being a foster parent was not inspired by anything that I have seen in the media lately, but my search turned up this:

http://www.cbc.ca/news/yourcommunity/2012/02/community-reaction-to-canadian-foster-care-in-crisis.html

I am not the only disgruntled former foster parent!

Many foster parents and candidates came forward to share their experiences in the article. This is what some of them had to say:

"My wife and I have been fostering for 18 years now . . . We have recommended fostering to 17 couples. Eight couples became foster parents (made it that far) but only one lasted beyond one year and quit before they made it two years. The children are very seldom the problem . . . 90 percent of the time foster parents encounter problems with "the system" . . . The whole infrastructure is wrought with problems. Unfortunately, human nature gets in the way and ruins it for the well-meaning ones, especially us, who are in it for the long haul."
My wife and I were totally ready to be foster parents but the whole system is discouraging . . . After we get the kids then we have a social worker come visit our home but parents with records of abuse aren't checked up on. The whole system is messed and a bureaucratic nightmare. They created it with their bureaucracy and they think they can get out of their current problem with bureaucracy, I think not."
"The various ministries are partly to blame for the lack of placements and for the diminishing number of people willing to foster children. We used to foster children and found that the ministry withheld information from us that we really should have known having to do with the safety of our family. They often failed to reveal the full extent of the child's difficulties and provided little support and no apologies when confronted with the issue."
"I used to be a foster parent and honestly, it was the treatment by the social workers towards us that was the biggest reason for us leaving after many years of fostering. I have had many former kids contact me over the years and tell us what a great job we did, so I don't believe it was us . . . but some social workers treat foster parents like they are stupid. I have done work towards a Masters but still, I was constantly talked down to."

The reason my partner and I decided to foster was because, at the time, we were a childless couple who felt we had something to offer to children in need. When we called to become foster parents there were advertisements on the radio asking for families to sign up to foster. After we called to put our names on the list it took MONTHS before anyone got back to us, and it was only after repeated calls to the office that finally someone came. The woman who came to our home was a delightful, amazing, caring person who was completely overworked because of the high turnover of staff in her office and the resultant increase in her workload. We didn't really think anything of it at the time, but since being a part of the system we have gone through more staff than you would believe. Now I KNOW that this is a stressful job, but the turnover has to do with more than the stress of the job. I doubt you will find anyone who was previously employed by the division to make an official statement on why they left the position, but my experience has let me to believe that the bureaucracy of the child welfare system GREATLY affects the line workers - as much as it affects the foster families.

Once we were visited it took many more months to complete our home study, get all of our references checked (and our references were asked some VERY interesting questions about us, for instance, if they knew if we were addicted to pornography.) We had to undergo police checks, home and safety inspections, credit checks, and so forth. We had to produce driving records, copies of insurance policies and some additional documentation - which was requested because we were a gay couple, and according to the worker, the first gay couple in the province to apply to foster. Once all of this was complete we had to be approved by the Alberta Minister of Human Services - again because we were a gay couple. To tell you the truth, knowing what I know now, I have absolutely NO idea if this actually happened - or if we were simply TOLD this had to happen. My cynical, conspiracy theorist self tends to believe that it was a delay tactic to get us to give up on the process, but I cannot prove that and either way, we stuck with it and were finally granted a license to foster children.

Because the nature of the foster care involves children, there are HUGE issues of confidentiality which affect the employees and families working with foster children. I have said before and I will say again, that I completely understand why there is a need for confidentiality. I have NO problem it. HOWEVER and unfortunately, these confidentiality issues have turned into this "code of silence" when it comes to dealing with anything related to the system. Information is not freely exchanged. Foster families are given conflicting information or no information. Training is terrible, foster supports are virtually impossible to access, the list goes on and on.

All of this brings me to the point where I am now, where I feel as though I need to speak out about the problems in the system. Good foster families, who do good things for children are giving up their licences because of the SYSTEM problems. Not because of the kids, not because of the emotional hardship they endure, but because the system is broken.

Some good things happen in foster care - believe it or not.

If you google "foster parenting" it is extremely unfortunate that what you will come across is an overwhelming amount of HORROR stories about foster homes. There is this belief "out there" that foster homes are terrible places to be full of people trying to make a quick buck who treat the kids worse than they would have been treated in their family of origin. While I do not dispute that there have been some terrible things happening in foster homes I feel I must make some counter points to the notion that all foster homes are terrible places.

1. There are as many as 85 THOUSAND children in foster homes in Canada. That's a LOT of children. I believe I am an advocate for children. I wish this world were a perfect place but it is not. Terrible things happen to children in this world. Children are hungry, children are neglected, children are abused, but not all of these things ONLY happen to children in foster care. These things happen to children in "good" homes, in "good" neighbourhoods. The media reports on sensational cases. The media reports on things that happen to children in care - and I think they should - but the spotlight is extremely negative.

2. I have yet to find in my internet search, anything positive about foster parenting. Not ONE story. It would be pretty much impossible for a "good" foster home to be highlighted anyway, because foster parents are discouraged from contacting the media in any way. In fact, contacting the media is forbidden if it involves identifying foster children in any way. This makes it absolutely impossible for anything that is positive within foster care to ever be highlighted.

Here's the thing about kids in care. When you become a foster parent you sign all kinds of documents. You won't put photos of the kids in your home on facebook, or on a blog. You wont talk about the children to ANYONE (this is very difficult). The kids, if they are in school and do something really great - like get a student of the month award - are not permitted to have their photo taken for the school paper, for the local paper or be recognised in any way. If they are in a swim club or on a sports team that wins - no photos. NO recognition in any way in the media. So the kids themselves become invisible. I understand the motivation around protecting the children, but the motivation does not take into consideration all of the ramifications for the kids or consider the possibility that the kids might benefit in some way from being recognised (even within the school) for being a part of something positive.

Now I am not suggesting that I am a perfect foster parent. I am not suggesting that every moment in my home is worth broadcasting to the world, but what I AM saying is that foster parents out there are working hard and for the most part doing an AMAZING job and for NO POSITIVE RECOGNITION.

We have had happy dances, we have had student success, we have taught kids about proper eating, about feeding their brains, about playing and laughing and not needing to hoard food. We have clothed kids, nursed sick kids, cleaned up a LOT of puke, done more lice treatments than anyone would believe, we have shaved our heads AS A FAMILY to make sure kids didn't feel like they were different or disruptive. Would you know it - we have even cared for kids once they were removed from our home and placed back with families who reached out to us for help because they needed it and didn't want the "system" involved anymore.

They have a foster parent appreciation week. Did you know about it? Every year it comes and goes and we are reminded about it when we get the monthly newsletter saying " HAPPY FOSTER PARENT APPRECIATION WEEK" but the week has passed without us even knowing.

What I would like to ask is this - the next time you see something terrible about foster homes, think of the GOOD ones. There are some good ones.

Hungry foster kids

This week we had two little girls come to us for a respite.

I know that foster care can be a hot topic.

I know that people get very angry with the treatment some children receive in foster homes, and yet I am still so angry at the treatment some children have to endure with their "natural" families before someone will step in and say "enough is enough".

Drug abuse, physical abuse, alcohol abuse, domestic violence, the list is endless.

These little girls came into our home with some issues around food - which is pretty normal for the kids we see. They are so accustomed to the idea of "feast or famine" that when they see food they have no idea when they are going to see any again and so they eat until they make themselves sick, they hoard food etc.

We have some strategies to help them know that while they are with us they will have all the food they need on a regular basis, but when a one year old doesn't want to stop eating it just infuriates me at the treatment that child must have received.

Adoption frustration

I have not posted many things about our journey to adoption but this past week has frustrated me so much I am writing about it here today to vent. This process is so scary and at every step we are so concerned with saying everything "right" and not making waves because we want everything to go smoothly, and this week I have had enough.
We are foster parents. We have had Max (not his given name (yet) for anyone concerned with privacy issues) since he was released from the hospital at one month of age. He is 18 months old. When he was 6 months old his parents rights were terminated by the court and he became a permanent ward of the province and able to be adopted. Since we were his foster parents at the time we asked if we might adopt him. We were told that we could, but that we needed to be approved as an adoptive home first.
We met with the adoption worker. (Please note here that the SAME office with the SAME supervisor operates in our region as the foster AND permanency placement.) In order to be foster parents we have to go through a process of becoming certified and maintaining that certification on a yearly basis. We have to have medical records, police checks, home inspections and everything for foster care EVERY year. Well apparently this is not enough for the permanency workers, so we have to do ALL of this again. OK. So we do it. All of it. All over again.
And we get approval to be an adoptive family.
While all this is happening we go through three, yes THREE permanency workers. And while I am sure they are all very nice individuals, the first was pregnant and getting ready to go on maternity leave and did..... oh right NOTHING on our file. The second ROCKED and in the SHORT time that she was assigned to our case we met with her a number of times, she kept us informed with emails regarding what she needed, what she was working on, what to expect etc. When the first worker didn't return from maternity leave and the position opened for a full time position we hoped against hope that the lady filling in would be selected. Much to our chagrin, she was not.
We are now on permanency worker number three. Last week she came to our home to meet with us. She sat, took notes, and asked us all kinds of questions about how Max was doing. We updated her on speech therapy issues and other events and asked her how our file was progressing. She did what we know her to do (from past experience) - evaded the question - and said only "your file is progressing." What does that mean? She said she didn't have the complete file from the last worker, but the last worker was waiting on info from HER for the file. Huh? Confused yet? Us too.
After she left and Shel and I were able to process this information we decided that the LACK of information was a problem for us and we called our foster worker to let her know of our frustration. She passed the message on to their supervisor (again, SAME supervisor) and the supervisor called us. First of all our foster worker said that there was a piece of documentation that they still needed from me. Fine. Why didn't the worker tell us that when she was IN our home and could have taken it with her? Has she even opened our file? If we had not called to check the status when would she have asked for it? The supervisor left a message to say she had reviewed with the permanency worker what was on her plate and if we wanted to meet to discuss the priorities (blah blah blah) to call her on her direct line. Now tell me this. What good is a direct line if you don't answer your phone? This is where we sit. I have called that number - enough to be a tad irritating if she is checking her caller id - I have left my name and number and she has not called me back.
I know that the journey to adoption is long and filled with red tape for everyone who tries to navigate it. Somehow I thought since everything was being done in the same office it would somehow be easier. I was deluding myself.
Ai ai ai ai ai.

girafffe list for S

Today we were in another small community where one of our former foster daughters' has returned to live with her mom.
S was a ray of sunshine in our home and we miss her dreadfully. When she left we didn't get everything belonging to her packed up and as laundry loads were completed and we packed up to move we put a box together of things that belonged to her that we needed to return.
Since she has been back with her mom we have visited twice. Once we stopped by and dropped some things off and they were not home. Today was the third time we have stopped by since she returned home in September 2007. When Shel went to the door there was some discussion about wether it was a good idea to visit or not. Mom's new boyfriend expressed that S became very upset following our visits... so we won't do it again. (We don't have a phone number to call in advance or we would call first)
We took the things into the house and S wanted to show me her bedroom.
If I had giraffe money I would buy the following things for S anonymously - so her mom and boyfriend don't feel bad - and because of all the kids in the world, this one should be surrounded by the things that bring her joy.

1. Princess sheets
2. Princess curtains
3. Princess quilt
4. Canopy bed
5. Pink wall paint for her bedroom
6. Princess towel
7. A castle dollhouse
8. A dress up closet with lots of tiaras, feather boas, high heeled shoes and earrings.