Thursday, February 17, 2011

I'll take your baby

I am amazing at being able to say things to stop a conversation in it's tracks. Sometimes my enthusiasm gets the best of me.
The thing is, being a lesbian and wanting a family is difficult. Unless you have money to spend on invitro or on adoption the options available to have a family are very limited.

We have been able to adopt through the foster care system, but I have mentioned before that the system is severely flawed, and the children that come available generally have some problems, be it medical, emotional, mental or a combination of all three. Don't get me wrong I LOVE my boys. Does it sound selfish to say that even though I love my boys I wish there was a way to have a healthy child without spending a boat load of money which we don't have?

 I know a couple who went though an adoption agency to have a child. They built their profile and they had severe anxiety that potential birth mothers would be comparing them to other potential parents - which they would - and that they would not measure up. How do you make yourself so attractive to someone that you don't know so that they will like you enough to raise their child? The pressure is intense. They went through the process of being selected by someone, following through the pregnancy and birth, only to have the person change their mind after the baby was born. They were devastated. They went through the process again, were selected again, and were in the hospital when the baby was born. The young mother asked them if they had any names chosen for the baby - she wanted her own name to be given to the infant. When they mentioned the name they had selected her response to them was " Oh, I HATE that name, I knew a girl in high school with that name and I hated her." They left the hospital that night and lamented all night long what would happen as a reult of them sharing the name with this young woman. It WAS enough for her to change her mind.
Could I live through that? And before even contemplating if I could live though it, could I find an adoption agency that would accept a lesbian couple as potential adoptive parents?

I have had instances on two different occasions where someone I know personally has said to me that they are pregnant and that they didn't want to be pregnant or raise a child. In both cases after I listened to the person complain, I offered to adopt the child they did not want. In both cases the conversation became very awkward - why wouldn't it? In both cases the person went on to full term, and to keep their child.
Is saying you don't want your kid something straight people do for conversation sake? Is it something straight women do to bond?
I wish our culture was set up differently so that people who didn't want to have the child they were carrying felt no shame or guilt in saying - you know what - you CAN have my kid.  It would even be cool if gay men and women could get together and make arrangements like - We'll take sperm from you and I'll carry a kid for you and then a kid for me.

There are just so many beliefs and emotions about pregnancy.
I asked a friend once if he would give us sperm. He said no because it would be too emotional for him to have a child with me (ok - maybe he was a little attached to me?) but I never understood how guys can watch their seed wash down the drain in the shower or wherever it goes when they "spill it" and not want to give it to someone for free who wants it!
Either way - here's some advise... If you want to end a conversation with someone who is pregnant and doesn't want to be - offer to take the kid, or ask your best friend for sperm.


Kendra said...

I get frusterated too when people get pregnant and then complain. There are so many families with a variety of obsticles in starting a family that would love nothing more than to parent that child.

The last line did make me laugh though....

Annie (Lady M) x said...

Hi Julie, I noticed that you stopped by my blog and thought I would pop by.

Crikey, that gets me - pregnant women complaining that they don't want their baby. The poor child.

You know what though. You have a point. Surely there is a website somewhere that matches gay men and women who want to have kids?

The Bumbles said...

My cousin's daughter (does that make her my 2nd cousin? I never remember the right terms) adopted the baby of someone she met - maybe it was through work? I forget the details. But this person she was acquainted with just did not want to raise the child. My cousin's daughter and her husband asked if they could adopt the baby. She agreed. It was very stressful waiting for everything to become official and praying that she didn't change her mind, but it worked out and now adorable Cody is a well loved little boy. And because they know the birth mother, they have his family medical history. I think she may still play a role in his life - or expressed the desire to be available if and when he wanted to know her. But I found it amazing that this arrangement worked for everyone. More often you hear about the heartbreaking problems.

I can respect a person's feelings of not wanting a pregnancy they have and the child that results from it. It isn't right or wrong - it is their valid feeling. But to bitch about it without considering that others around them might give anything to trade places is insensitive. So many can't conceive, can't adopt. I wonder in the fairness of it all sometimes.