Thursday Thirteen: Violent Lyrics in Songs I Like

I don't know how I came across it, I think facebook, but I found a link that said "20 shocking lyrics that you didn't notice in famous songs". Of course I was intrigued and so I checked it out.
It was a complete disappointment.

The songs in my opinion were not FAMOUS songs.

For example, one of the "famous songs" was the Ice Cube song "Roll All Day"  which is recognizable to the general population because it was used in an automobile commercial back in 2004. The tune of the song is recognizable, but I would not say it was a famous song at all. The part of the song with "shocking lyrics" is not a part of the commercial - so how would anyone notice, or not notice, what was not a part of the commercial? Another song they refer to is the Beatles song "Happiness is a Warm Gun" - Can someone, anyone, tell me when this song was famous? If and when it WAS famous, is anyone surprised that there are shocking lyrics in a song entitled "Happiness is a Warm gun?" Anyone? Yeah. I thought not.

Overall I think the piece was poorly written and I wasn't surprised or shocked - with one exception.
So here is where I was shocked (and I am embarrassed to say I had NO idea) that the song Blurred Lines was about non-consensual anal sex. Miley Cyrus's retinal-damaging  twerking to the song makes a lot more sense now though. DUH.

I have now decided to write my own version of songs with violent lyrics. See what I did there - I didn't call it FAMOUS songs with shocking lyrics - it gives me some leeway and credibility when I use obscure songs.  Here are some songs, in particular songs which I like, and which in MY opinion,  have shockingly violent lyrics (and I'm not even going to TRY and cover Rap songs or this post would never end.)

In no particular order.

1. Maxwell's Silver Hammer. The Beatles
This song has a catchy tune and I am slightly disturbed by the fact that I like it as much as I do. Who sits down and writes a catchy tune about a serial killer? Oh that's right, the Beatles.

"Bang! Bang! Maxwell's silver hammer
Came down upon her head
Bang! Bang! Maxwell's silver hammer
Made sure that she was dead"

2. Bohemian Rhapsody. Queen
Is there anyone who does not love singing along to this song? I think in just two examples I have proven a point that you can pretty much sing a song about anything if you put it to music catchy enough to become popular. 

"Mama, just killed a man
Put a gun against his head
Pulled my trigger, now he's dead
Mama, life had just begun
But now I've gone and thrown it all away
Mama, ooo
Didn't mean to make you cry
If I'm not back again this time tomorrow
Carry on, carry on, as if nothing really matters"

3. Pumped up Kicks. Foster the People
I didn't think this was going to be as easy as it has been. There's apparently a lot more songs out there with violent lyrics than I initially thought!

Yeah, he found a six shooter gun in his dad's closet hidden with a box of fun things.
I don't even know what but he's coming for you, yeah, he's coming for you.
All the other kids with the pumped up kicks you better run, better run, outrun my gun.
All the other kids with the pumped up kicks you better run, better run faster than my bullet

4. A Day in the Life. The Beatles
I am about to sound as though I am making excuses for disturbing songs, but honestly, this song makes the MOST sense to me. I generally don't understand why songs are written about killing people (with the exception of the next song I am listing) but this song, A Day in the Life, was inspired by reading the newspaper. So John Lennon sits down, picks up the newspaper and reads one article about a man who committed suicide and another article about potholes (four thousand holes in Blackburn Lancashire) and writes a song about it. He also talks about being horny and late for work, which is all a part of a day in his life I suppose.

I read the news today, oh boy
About a lucky man who made the grade
And though the news was rather sad
Well, I just had to laugh
I saw the photograph

He blew his mind out in a car
He didn't notice that the lights had changed
A crowd of people stood and stared
They'd seen his face before
Nobody was really sure if he was from the House of Lords

 

5. Goodbye Earl. The Dixie Chicks.

It was about time someone wrote a song about this. Way to go ladies.

Interestingly - there was some backlash to the song. I don't understand how a song about non-consensual anal sex can get the radio play it gets and feature as a live performance on an awards show, BUT a song about domestic violence has radio stations refusing to play it. Oh wait - yes I do. One song is about a man doing what he wants and violating women and the other is about women taking things into their own hands when abused. Clear as mud.

 

"Well, she finally got the nerve to file for divorce
She let the law take it from there
But Earl walked right through that restraining order
And put her in intensive care

Right away Mary-Ann flew in from Atlanta
On a red eye midnight flight
She held Wanda's hand as they worked out a plan
And it didn't take 'em long to decide

That Earl had to die
Goodbye, Earl, those black eyed peas
They tasted alright to me Earl, you're feelin' weak
Why don't you lay down and sleep, Earl
Ain't it dark, wrapped up in that tarp, Earl"
 

6. Stan. Eminem featuring Dido

Stan" is an intense story of an overly obsessed and unhinged fan who eventually drunkenly kills himself along with his pregnant wife.

Hey Slim, I drank a fifth of vodka, you dare me to drive?
You know the song by Phil Collins, "In the Air of the Night"
about that guy who coulda saved that other guy from drowning
but didn't, then Phil saw it all, then at a show he found him?
That's kinda how this is, you coulda rescued me from drowning
Now it's too late - I'm on a 1000 downers now, I'm drowsy
and all I wanted was a lousy letter or a call
I hope you know I ripped all of your pictures off the wall
I love you Slim, we coulda been together, think about it
You ruined it now, I hope you can't sleep and you dream about it
And when you dream I hope you can't sleep and you SCREAM about it
I hope your conscience EATS AT YOU and you can't BREATHE without me
See Slim; [*screaming*] Shut up bitch! I'm trying to talk!
Hey Slim, that's my girlfriend screaming in the trunk
but I didn't slit her throat, I just tied her up, see I ain't like you
cause if she suffocates she'll suffer more, and then she'll die too
Well, gotta go, I'm almost at the bridge now
Oh shit, I forgot, how'm I supposed to send this shit out?

7. Kiss with a Fist . Florence and the Machine.

“You smashed a plate over my head, then I set fire to our bed.”

Sounds interesting. I personally like my bed too much to set fire to it.

8. Janie's Got a Gun. Aerosmith
 
This song actually was the first Grammy winning song for Aerosmith in 1991. It is a song about a daughter who killed her father for sexually abusing her as a child. Way to go Janie!

Janie's got a gun
Janie's got a gun
Her dog day's just begun
Now everybody is on the run
What did her daddy do?
It's Janie's last I.O.U.
She had to take him down easy and put a bullet in his brain
She said 'cause nobody believes me. The man was such a sleeze.

9. Love The Way You Lie – Eminem featuring Rihanna

I suppose in a twisted way that the best people to sing songs about violence are the same people who live with violence.  Which comes first?....
Is it a shock that Eminem has a lot of songs featuring violence?
 

Now you're in each other's face spewing venom in your words when you spit them
You push, pull each other's hair, scratch, claw, bit 'em
Throw 'em down, pin 'em
So lost in the moments when you're in them
It's the rage that took over,
It controls you both
So they say you're best to go your separate ways
Guess that they don't know you 'cause today that was yesterday
Yesterday is over, it's a different day
Sound like broken records playing over but you promised her
Next time you show restraint
You don't get another chance
Life is no Nintendo game
But you lied again
Now you get to watch her leave out the window
Guess that's why they call it window pane

10. Gravedigger. Dave Matthews

This song isnt so much violent , but it is not rainbows and sunshine. I wont post all the lyrics here but pretty much its just a bunch of eulogies to music. How do I like this? I think I might be disturbed,

11. Nursery Rhyme. Rock a Bye Baby

I sing this to my little ones, but I take a lot of liberties and change the lyrics. My kids are going to grow up and if they ever hear the REAL lyrics to songs they are going to think whomever is singing them is confused - because it won't be the way they learned them!

My kids know that putting a rocking baby into a tree is a bad idea and someone will report them to child services if they get caught doing it!

 

12. I'm Not Ready to Make Nice. Dixie chicks. 

I varied from the exact topic here because this song isn't exactly violent , but speaks of a very real threat that was made against the Dixie Chicks. When they were at a concert in LONDON (not even in the USA) lead Singer Natalie Maines made the comment, "...we don't want this war, this violence, and we're ashamed that the President of the United States is from Texas."
The back lash to this comment was INSANE (in my opinion), especailly from a country who values so highly the freedom of speech. The Dixie chicks recieved death threats - an extreme example of how crazy people are in real life.

I made my bed and I sleep like a baby
With no regrets and I don’t mind sayin’
It’s a sad sad story when a mother will teach her
Daughter that she ought to hate a perfect stranger
And how in the world can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they’d write me a letter
Sayin’ that I better shut up and sing
Or my life will be over
13. Scarecrow. Melissa Etheridge

I am including this song because it is based on the murder of Matthew Shepard in Wyoming in 1998. This REAL event had an incredible impact on me. I was barely out of the closet when this happened. Again, although the lyrics of the song itself are not violent, it is a song about a violent act that really happened.

Showers of your crimson blood
Seep into a nation calling up a flood
Of narrow minds who legislate
Thinly veiled intolerance
Bigotry and hate

But they tortured and burned you
They beat you and they tied you
They left you cold and breathing
For love they crucified you

I can't forget hard as I try
This silhouette against the sky

Scarecrow crying
Waiting to die wondering why
Scarecrow trying
Angels will hold carry your soul away

This was our brother
This was our son
This shepherd young and mild
This unassuming one
We all gasp this can't happen here
We're all much too civilized
Where can these monsters hide

But they are knocking on our front door
They're rocking in our cradles
They're preaching in our churches
And eating at our tables

52 Weeks of Gratitude: week 6. A friend

This is my friend Sarah (laying down on the job) and my other friend Kim, when we decided to rip off our deck and build a new one this fall.

 

My kids think Sarah's given name is her first and last name together and they never refer to her as anything other than the combination of these names together in one breath. Like "SarahFarrahFowler". I find it amusing, and also mostly refer to her in this way also. 

Sarah and I have known one another for a few years.  We met through foster parenting but live about 10 km apart . Translation : we are pretty close neighbours. In the last year we have spent more time together and become closer as friends. She comes over here and builds a deck. I go there and pluck and gut dead chickens. You know - we do "friend" stuff. We are like "Sex in the City" only its "Sex in the Country", only theres no sex. Whatever. You get it.

I'm grateful for SarahFarrahFowler. 

Breathe Love

“We have all hurt someone tremendously, whether by intent or accident. We have all loved someone tremendously, whether by intent or accident. It is an intrinsic human trait, and a deep responsibility, I think, to be an organ and a blade. But, learning to forgive ourselves and others because we have not chosen wisely is what makes us most human. We make horrible mistakes. It’s how we learn. We breathe love. It’s how we learn. And it is inevitable."
—Nayyirah Waheed

I read this quote yesterday (on facebook of all places) and it really has me thinking. I know that I have been both and organ and a blade. I would hate to be judged in my entirety by my worst moments and by the pain I have caused others. I know I have struggled with the understanding of some of the pain I have created for others and it is a constant  journey to accept myself with a clear vision of the roles I have played both positively and negatively in the lives of others. Having said that, I am really struggling in my relationship with my dad. I know I am judging him for what I consider to be one of his worst moments (but perhaps this is also only my interpretation). I am not finding it easy to forgive and I am not breathing love.

There are so many things happening in our lives right now that I feel as though the energy I am spending on being hurt/angry/betrayed by my dad is energy that I need for other things. I need to breathe more love.

Under “normal” circumstances I would not write on my blog about something that is so intensely personal. I feel as though I have moved away from the things that I used to use to “process” my thoughts and I am trying to find my way back to some of them – writing was something I used a lot in the past. And have not done for a very long time. I am hoping that putting this down in written form will help me begin to work it out.

This life is such a balancing act isn’t it?

52 weeks of Gratitude. Week 5. Something someone gave me

When I was 12 years old my family moved from Zimbabwe to Canada. As a parting gift my nana gave each of the grandkids a St. Christopher’s medallion and necklace. I wore it constantly until we moved to Sydney, Nova Scotia. In an incident one morning waiting for the school bus, the necklace broke and the charm was lost. I was devastated.

I was neither raised Catholic, nor believing in the intersession of saints, however this medallion has come to have very personal meaning to me.  My medallion depicts the saint carrying the Christ child on his shoulders across turbulent waters, with the words “Saint Christopher Protect Us.” People often wear medals as pendants in devotion to Saint Christopher and to invoke his blessing. St. Christopher is viewed as a saint of protection, particularly for protection during travel and long voyages.

That was more than 30 years ago. I have thought of that gift from her and missed it and wanted to have it replaced but never did it.

Last year for Christmas, Shel and the kids gave me a new necklace and St. Christopher’s medallion. It is not exactly the same as the one nan gave me, but it is a gift that I am very grateful for and one that has special meaning for me. Now I have the constant reminder of my nan, as well as the added value of the gift from my family.

When I was 12 years old the journeys I was undertaking were from continent to continent. Now, the journeys I am on are more personal, less geographical,  but I am grateful for this token of protection in ALL of my travels, and extremely grateful for the thoughtfulness of Shel who “reunited” me with this special part of my past – and my future.

 

52 weeks of gratitude: Week 4. Where we live.

Express gratitude for the place in which I dwell. This one should be interesting at the least. I haven't been overly grateful for this town.

(If you are anal retentively (is that how to say it?) checking the list of things I am supposed to write about you will notice that I have skipped some. I did this because I have now written two back to back  on family and the topic for me needed a bit of a breather. I’ll come back to it. Or not. )

Back to the post at hand. When I was in university I had the opportunity to plan a speaker’s series. One of the people who we hosted was a woman named Wanda Urbanska. She had written a book about her experience with her husband in which they moved to rural Virginia to take over a family orchard. The book was all about moving to a small town and I thought it was remarkable. I wanted to do it. More accurately, I THOUGHT I wanted to do it. What I really wanted was to be a Harvard educated, daughter of a wealthy family, editor of magazines and newspapers who had the option of moving to the family orchard, dedicate all my time to writing books and get paid to go on speaking engagements. That is not the same as living in a small town.

I have lived in predominantly Urban settings for most of my life. I love cities. Most recently we lived in Ogden and we only moved from there because of immigration laws which prevented same sex couples with partners from foreign countries to apply for any legal status in the United States. I would not be sad if we had stayed there. But, we came to Canada and in a very “round about” way we ended up living in this small Northern town in Alberta. My experience with it overall has not been a great one. As a result of this post  I am re-assessing, and lucky you, you get to follow along with it! 

Here is what I like about where we live and by extension, what I am grateful for. 

1) We live on an acreage. Living in the country without very close neighbours is something I adjusted to very quickly (in spite of being resistant) and I doubt I could revert back to living in a suburb or city.  I don't like crowds or lots of traffic and having neighbours knowing what I'm cooking on my barbecue or if I'm home from work  etc. Etc. 

2) My drive to work is without traffic, traffic lights, and usually without delays of any kind, other than the occasional moose or combine in the road. I love the calm time back and forth to work. 

 3) My kids have had an excellent experience in school. Max has had the best experience of them all so far - and it hasn’t been without some difficulties - but the school and the two principals we have had are great. Max had a grade one teacher that was brilliant and his teacher this year is doing excellent things with him. The aides have done things with the kids like sending home Mother's Day cards for both Shel and I. We have felt acknowledged and accepted as an "alternative" family by the school with few exceptions. 

 4) There is a library here and getting a book, even if they have to order it in, is fairly easy.

5) I have met some wonderful people. My position in the restorative justice program in particular has been significantly positive in terms of the connections I have made. I am surrounded in this program  by remarkable supportive and uplifting women. 

Here is what I don’t like about where we live. 

1) It is a small, conservative area. Shel and I have been out to eat where we were not waited on and the serving staff completely ignored us because we are lesbian. 

2) Being small and conservative there are no gay and lesbian resources, certainly no other out lesbian or gay couples, and no opportunities to participate in any gay/lesbian activities or groups or social activities. 

3) I am way, way , WAY too far from my family and my friends.

 4) There is no movie theater. We used to go to movies weekly and love the theater experience. There is no movie theater anywhere close enough to be worth visiting. I don’t want to drive for almost two hours to get home after going to a movie. 

5) There is no book store in this community. Most of our expendable income prior to moving here was spent on books. I love browsing in bookstores. Living so far away from a bookstore means that when we DO travel somewhere there is one, we have many other things on our list to accomplish and we don’t have the time to spend browsing.

 6) There are very few restaurants and no ethnic food restaurants in this town. 

7) There are limited cultural activities for us to participate in either individually or as a family.

 8) In order to do anything, we have to drive.

 9) Trying to get any services – like plumbers, electricians, contractors, and so forth is difficult. Much of the employment in this area is driven by oil and the journeymen are kept very busy with work that is more time consuming and more lucrative than coming out to my house to get toys out of my drain would be for them. 

10) There is no competition when it comes to businesses and so things are expensive. People can afford to charge what they want for items they bring into the community. 

11) I was going to write that it is difficult to make friends here, but to be honest I don’t think that is entirely the responsibility of the community. I do know that others who have moved here have had difficulty making friends, but I have to admit that I am a hard nut when it comes to that anyway so I bear SOME responsibility. It has taken me longer than anywhere else I have ever lived to make decent friends . People here have been more openly mean to us than we have  experienced before and we've been horribly betrayed by people we DID trust which has made me dislike the place even more. But I have met some amazing people who have impacted my life deeply and whom I genuinely love. 

Overall my list of reasons for disliking this community are greater than my list of what I am grateful for. I knew this to be true when I started out on this little venture but didn’t realize the difference was quite so stark. In the end, and what I have maintained for some time, is that as long as this is a good community for us to raise our children in we will remain here. For now that is the case, and so I guess I am grateful that I live in a place where it is great to raise kids.

52 weeks of Gratitude week 3: Family

I started to think about this last night. I generally formulate a few thoughts in my brain before I spew forth onto the wide web. It got me wondering who it is that I consider to be “my family”. Certainly the first thing that came to mind was my own family – my partner, our five kids and our pets. Then I thought about my family of origin, my parents and my siblings. This morphed easily into the extensions of these families now –my brothers-in- law and sisters –in-law, my nieces and nephews. I have a half sister that I have never met who is technically family, though I know nothing about her at all other than her name and age. Then there are the foster kids who have come to us and left us, but who I will always consider my children.

Which of these are my family? What about the people who I am not related to through blood but who offer me emotional support and “know me” better than some of the people I am related to? What about the cousins and the second-cousins, or the aunts and uncles and grandparents I have an affinity with?

I guess all of them are family, though all different levels of family, and I am grateful for all of them. I can see here though that my “gratitude” has many levels – as many levels as there are different individuals. I suppose I could do 52 weeks of gratitude for family alone. I certainly have that many people that I could classify in this way.

Since I have a lot of weeks left and lots of opportunities to show how I am grateful for many of these people I am going to focus - for the purpose of this post - on my immediate family. I’ll start with my spouse. I posted a bit about her yesterday but I will add here that I am grateful for her because without her there would be no family at all.  I would not have ventured into the world of parenting without her by my side. I happen to think we are a pretty cool family, though I know others disagree with me. There are lots of people “out there” who don’t consider us a family at all since we are a same-sex couple, but nothing could be further from the truth.

I am grateful for my oldest boy. My miracle Max. I have blogged about him before, but not so much recently. He is now eight years old and this post is a good reminder to me to show him more gratitude. I am grateful for his persistence and his work ethic. I have not, and doubt I will ever, meet a harder working kid. People have commented that he is likely “going through a phase” but I know better. Last year he helped me volunteer in the community shovelling the driveways for seniors who could not do it themselves. He will work longer and harder than any other kid. I heard last week he was helping the teacher put away the skis and boots from cross country skiing day, and I know from his grade one teacher that he would offer to help when other kids didn’t even think about it. He has a sweetness to him that few people see. He is a great older brother (who often forgets he is just a brother and not a parent). I am grateful for the opportunity I have to parent this amazing guy – he gives me lots of practise!

I am grateful for my baby Ceejer. What a character this kid is. His imagination never ceases to amaze me – he lives in his fantasy world more hours of the day than not, and it is not in any way connected to the “time” in which the rest of us dwell.  He is charming and fun – his whole world revolves around fun - which makes him fun to be with. He is our spiritual connector. He has an affinity for the creator and the world around him that he maintains close contact with. Driving home at night he will be the one to point out the beautiful moon and starts, or the sunset we should be grateful for. He reminds us to give prayers of gratitude each day in our home and for this I am truly grateful.

Our third. Mike. Unassuming, quiet, sensitive Mike. He has had a hard journey in his short life and it has touched him deeply. He has great manners and is SO sweet with his little sisters, but he is right in the  middle of all the action, don’t think for a minute he isn’t! I have to be careful with this little soul that I am not “too” loud, or “too” boisterous, and that I don’t overwhelm him in all my bluster. He told me the other day he thinks I am the prettiest and also the bossiest, but I had to sit down and listen to get the message. I generally move too fast. I am grateful for this guy who needs me to slow down.

My bird. As a side note to the gratitude idea – all my life I wanted to parent – but I never wanted to parent girls! There was something about parenting girls that intimidated me and I had NO desire whatsoever to have girls of my own. I love my sisters and my nieces, but there was no way I was going to be a mother to a female! So much for that plan. This little girl stole my heart. She is feisty and fierce and I dread her teenage years already and she is only three! I am grateful that she came to my life and taught me that I have more love than I thought I was capable of. I do. I have. I’m grateful.

Our bean. ZED. THE END. Shel always thought there was another soul meant for our family. I moved too fast to get that message from the universe – but I trusted her ( and hoped she was getting some miscommunication!) Zed came to us and truly our family is complete. I cannot imagine our family without her. She is like glue – our little spider web that connects us all. She loves EVERYONE in our not-so-little family and they all love her. I have love for ANOTHER GIRL! I am grateful for the completeness she brings to us.

Gratitude week two : my spouse

Week two of gratitude year is "My Spouse".
What can I say other than I am grateful for her!
We have been together now since 1997 - I need my 8 year old to do the math for me. This year it will be EIGHTEEN years that we have been together. How is that possible - we are not old enough for that !

Here is a photo of her in some rockin bell bottoms. That was before we met. I don't think I could have handled her style.  Honestly though - I don't know if we had met at an earlier time that we would have hit it off, we certainly hung with different groups. 

Here she is as a cute little babe in arms. She has the same cheeks as our baby now!

The last photo of this post is a photo of us together from earlier this year. She has aged well don't you think?

I don't think I am making it up when I say we have been through it all. We were college students working more than full time and going to school full time when we met . We have survived stolen vehicles, moving countries, major surgeries, minor surgeries , tattooes , immigration, foster kids coming, going , and staying forever. We have rescued tiny kittens from tree tops in storms, buried more pets than anyone should have to do in a lifetime and sat in hot springs in the middle of winter. We've cried, we've laughed, and united we have read more books than anyone would believe possible. 

She is still the person I think of every day when anything happens that I want to share. In the words of Alanis Morissette  "she's seen all my light and she loves my dark."

Eighteen years ago as we sat on the lawn of the Social Sciences Building of Weber State Unversity where we met, we had a discussion over the things we were looking for in our very new relationship and I made certain she knew I was not looking for any committment. HA! Famous last words.

I am very grateful for her in my life, and I need to share that with her and not just with the internet. 

52 weeks of gratitude : week 1

Week one of the 52 weeks of gratitude only says " Why start this challenge", so here is my reasoning for participating.

As previously mentioned I am a fan of gratitude.

By nature I am a pessimist, and the facts of our lives - being lesbians in a small, conservative, community while raising children with disabilities - means we face a fair number of challenges.

It would be very easy for me to get bogged down by the things in our lives that are difficult, going wrong, or just different than the life I imagined for myself once upon a time. The fact is, it would not take much for me to just give in to the despair and spiral out of control with negativity. But, I find that if I find things to be grateful for it helps me to get through the day. It helps me to stay grounded. I PERSONALLY enjoy being appreciated, so why not appreciate others and the things around me that I find in abundance to be grateful for!

My days have looked like this:
It's -30 degrees C, our car wouldn't start, the warning lights on the dash all came on (which may mean the car is in dire need of repair or the mice living in the vehicle have eaten all of the electrical cords - neither scenario is a happy one). The block heater isn't working, the pipes in the basement may have frozen, and the kids have eaten all the snacks we only just got for lunches which is supposed to last for the next two weeks of school - and I've only been awake 30 minutes!

But, if I focus on what I am grateful for :
My neighbour came and plowed the yard and so I can get out (when the car starts) and the kids have a place to play which will entertain them for hours.  We were up in time and the kids were all dressed and made it to the bus (WITH THEIR BACKPACKS!) this morning so I don't have to drive them to school. The boys wanted to pack their lunches for school last night, which saved some time getting ready this morning and I was able to get hold of a neighbour who can drive me to work and back for the next two days. So you see - focussing on what I am grateful for makes for a happier mama Ju - and let's face it. When the mama's aren't happy our lives are a WHOLE lot worse!

52 weeks of gratitude

I have decided to participate in the 52 weeks of gratitude challenge. I'm a fan of gratitude and  I'm looking forward to participating. I'm a little slow on getting started so I will have to do three posts right away - It doesn't hurt anything to be extra grateful! 

Here is the list of things I'll be posting about over the next 52 weeks.

Family photo

This summer we finally went and had family photos professionally taken for the first time ever. I have bad memories of family photos from my family of origin where many of our jaunts to the studio were fraught with arguments. One time in particular my one brother shaved his head and showed up bald. It's funny now  - not so funny that day! Oh man my dad was not impressed ! 

I have a great friend in a near town who has started taking photos and wanted to increase her portfolio and the price was perfect - so we went down to the river and took some photos. I am thrilled with the results. 

Gone, Gone , Gone, Been Gone so Long

It has been a LONG time since I have blogged and I have REALLY missed it. I am excited that things have changed enough in my life that I feel I have some time to recommit to posting again. Hip Hip Horray!
Obviously in the seven months or so since I have been here a lot has happened but I'm not going to go back and try to recap everything for you. Instead, as I move forward I will share some exciting things that have happened.
Last year I was able to experience one of my life dreams and that was to attend a tattoo convention! I loved every single minute of it and I look forward to attending many more in the future and continuing to expand my collection of tattoos from artists I love (and follow on instagram!) I was tattooed at the Calgary Convention by Ben Merrell from Tribal Rites in Fort Collins, Colorado. It was a most excellent experience.
Here are some photos :

Words From Jeff Foster - This Moment

Everything I thought my summer was going to hold has turned out to be true - and more.
It's only the middle of June, summer has not officially started, and I am getting my butt kicked.
Here is something I came across that was profoundly timely for me and I thought I would share.
It is the writing of Jeff Foster and more of his writing can be found on his website.

THIS MOMENT, FRIEND, THIS MOMENT

This is for anyone who is going through a crisis, big or small.

Friend, I know that sometimes it feels like everything's falling apart, and even the most beautiful spiritual words sound like bullshit, meaningless, flowery, new-age drivel. We lose everything we thought defined us, or made us happy, everything that seemed to matter to us, and it feels like we will never recover. We are left in total despair, disappointment, disillusionment. It seems like 'the end', with no hope of recovery.

Yet in life, there are no true endings, only transformations, new beginnings emerging from rubble. Old dreams dying, the false falling away, which can be excruciatingly painful, of course, of course! Destruction, breakdowns, disruptions, shocks and losses, often feel like enemies, but always contain seeds of the new, and sometimes it just takes time to recover. This devastation you are going through, this crucifixion of dreams you feel, is an opportunity to let go of EVERY SINGLE IDEA you've ever had of how your life was "supposed to be", all those cherished dreams that were simply false, yet beautiful and useful at the same time.

The invitation today is to be present to your life, to wake up to it, to turn towards this immediacy, to dignify what is actually happening where you are. If there is loneliness visiting you here and now, do not turn away. If there is fear, do not push it away or try to escape. If there is frustration, anxiety, or just a quiet sense of hopelessness moving in you, do not reject these energies. They just want to be felt, now. They are not wrong. They are your lost children, orphans of awakening, and just want to move and be felt. Sometimes life brings us to our knees so that we will FEEL everything we've been running away from all our lives. And yes, the 'meeting' may hurt. But perhaps feeling the hurt is the beginning of healing, not the ending of it.

And watch the mind. How it constantly spins, rewinds and fast-forwards, constantly leaves the present scene of your life, here and now. Thought is constantly running away from the present moment. It goes into memory - of how good things were before, of how wonderful your life used to be. And it longs to return there. And it feels unable to. And despair results. Regret. Longing. Homesickness. And it fast-forwards into the future, imagining all kinds of future scenarios, many dark and scary. It takes you into regions way beyond your control. And both movements into past and future disconnect you from where you are NOW, which is all there is. They take you away from your only point of power - this moment.

But this moment is all there is. This breath. These sensations. Present sounds, smells. Present beating of the heart, the feeling of your butt on the chair. A little bird singing on the tree outside. The buzz of the television over there. A feeling of contraction in the chest, tenderness in the throat. This is a call to radical, radical simplicity. To honouring the not-knowing. To admitting humility in the face of life. Without the story of past and future, can you really know that your life has 'gone wrong'? For that is the belief at the core of everything, isn't it? That your life has 'gone wrong'. That the 'me' has failed somehow. That the universe is cruel and somehow against you. It's an intelligent conclusion to make, yes. I won't judge you for it. But perhaps it's not the truth. Perhaps the mind doesn't know.

My friend, your disillusionment, your inability to believe all those spiritual teachings now, including my own, is not a mistake - it is pure intelligence at work! Your disillusionment is part of waking up, not the end of waking up! This is all an invitation to a deeper awakening than you ever thought possible. You are being forced to question everything - everything - including all those cherished spiritual teachings that once held so much value. You are being called to find your own authority, to let go of all those bullshit ideas about what 'a good life' means. You are being invited to let go of everything second-hand, everything old, everything received - from parents, teachers, gurus - everything in memory, and be present to life, raw and naked.

Sometimes we have to lose everything to remember our total humility, to remember that we are not in control, and that each moment is full of wonder and thrilling uncertainty. You are on a path of devastation now - it was exactly what Jesus was teaching. This is not the end for you - it is the beginning of a new and different life, a new way of moving in the world, however hard that is to see. It is a time of renewal, of slowing-down, of discovering the abundance contained within the nothingness. A time to be kinder to yourself. There is so much potential for you, friend, even if you cannot believe that.

There have been many times in my own life when I felt unable to go on, unable to stand. I felt that I had lost everything, that nothing was possible, that the void was the only life. But I just didn't know what the universe had in store.

Even though you feel lonely and abandoned, frightened and angry, friend, know that many others are walking with you, and many others understand. You will write your own book of transformation one day.

This moment, friend. THIS moment.

- Jeff Foster

So this is what my summer is going to look like!

It's the first Saturday in June and if  today is any indication of how my weekends will unfold for the rest of the summer it's going to be a doozy!
I finished work at 7am and had to hurry home and get the kids ready for our soccer tournament today. Mike and CJ were both playing. (Thankfully our first game was at 9:50)
Max loaded the bikes into the back of the truck and I headed to town with the three boys. We made it in time for our first game and it went well! Both myself and the coach of the other team stood around for a few minutes waiting for a referee to show up, but we figured we were doing it ourselves and just got to it. The U6 kids for our tournament were playing 3 on 3 and we used a goalie because the nets were HUGE. The kids at this age are funny when they play goalie because we have been really working hard at reminding them not to touch the ball with their hands and then we put them in the goal and tell them to pick up the ball. Some adapt to this change better than others.
Max was thrilled to be riding his gigantic bike and showing it off to everyone. CJ was riding around like a madman on his bike but one of the local RCMP officers stopped by to see his son play and so Ceej followed him everywhere until he had to leave the fields.  He talked to the RCMP officer about the RCMP members in Moncton who lost their lives this week. I love my kids. They can be so thoughtful and kind and I'm glad CJ was able to see an officer and let him know that he was sad about others giving up their lives for Canadians.
I think we completely got our butts kicked in the first game. My one little guy scored three goals and he was absolutely THRILLED with himself. We only had 5 kids playing and the other team had 12 or 13 - so my little's were running their hearts out for the full 30 minutes. The MINUTE the game was over Max and CJ wanted to go to the skate park and ride so we loaded up the bikes, drove over to the park and spent 20 minutes there and then loaded up the bikes and headed back to the school for my next game. 
CJ found out the kids who played in the tournament got medals at the end of the day and that was apparently a miraculous incentive because he joined us for game two! Game two was much more evenly matched in terms of skill level of the kids and there was more "Play" I had to referee the game and so one of the moms helped me on the sidelines with subbing the kids on and off. Mikey took a turn in goal and was phenomenal once he got the hang of it. He definitely did better in net than any of the other kids (although CJ was pretty decent also.) Kids under 6 are too funny to me playing soccer. I have two little guys who always want to be on the field together but they don't play, they just run around and hug each other. Another one of my little girls runs and runs and runs and RUNS but does not want to touch the ball! At one point in the second game I had one little girl who was playing just walk off the field, pick a flower and give it to me and then keep on playing! They get tired and just leave the field,  one of my kids has a new baby sister and he kept leaving to check on her - while he was playing! and at one point our team goalkeeper was not happy it was his turn in goal so he just sat down with his back towards the game!!  When we stopped for half time the kids all wanted to know if it was time for them yet to go play on the playground yet. What I LOVE is the fact that they are there to have fun. They are happy to be there. They are not so competitive yet that they are upset by winning or losing.
At the end of this game Shel had arrived so we loaded the bikes up again and headed to the skate park AGAIN for the kids to play for an hour. They played an hour and we loaded up the bikes and went back for our last game. I was referee again and this last game was brutal. All the kids were tired and it was like herding cats. Other teams all had four games but I was not upset at all that we only had three - we had so few kids playing that they were just wiped right out.
As soon as the last game was over I gave out medals and took a photo and we (wait for it) .....loaded up the bikes and headed to the skate park! We stayed another hour and I had to take everyone home so I could get back to work.
I made it to work on time but I was TIRED!
No-one can say we don't make the best of the SHORT summer we get.

BONE tired

I am so tired. I have worked 287 hours at my regular job this month, plus my part time job, plus coaching soccer. If I had a minute I would sit somewhere and reconsider what it is I am spending my time on and how to do something different. The only thing is, if I GET a minute and I do sit down I fall asleep within seconds :(
I used to think it was funny when my mom sat in a chair at the end of the day and within minutes was asleep. Not so funny now!

Maya Angelou

Maya Angelou passed away yesterday and I was sad to hear the news. What a great woman she was. I feel as though she actually made an impression on my life - as opposed to so many other celebrities whom I enjoy for purposes of entertainment, but who really give nothing more to the edification of my life.  I felt that Maya Angelou was a wise and gifted woman whom I actually learned from and whose lessons I think about with regularity.
Since her passing there have been a lot of posts of her quotes on facebook, pinterest, twitter and instagram (the big four social media sites I use). I like all of her quotes of course, but the lesson I learned and the one that will remain with me for all my days is this: " When someone shows you who they are, believe them."
I cannot tell you the number of times I have had encounters with people and they have shown me who they are and I have questioned myself, or my perception of them, only to discover that I have been right - or more accurately, THEY have been right. They SHOWED me and I didn't believe.
Sometimes this is a hard lesson to learn, especially when you love or trust someone who is not worthy of that love or trust, but sometimes it is a beautiful thing to experience - such as when you meet beautiful, kind and loving people who are exactly who they show themselves to be.
Thank-you Ms. Angelou for this lesson which you have given me and which I will never forget.
May the next part of your journey be beautiful.

I Lost My Dead Cat

That's not even a joke. We had such a bad day we even lost the box that our dead cat is in. I know. How is that even possible. I DO NOT KNOW BUT IT HAPPENED TO US TODAY!
Our cat Helios has suffered from urine infections for his whole life. The old man has just been prone to them. He has had a number of blockages and we have dealt with them all, but he is older and got blocked again and was in a lot of pain and would have required painful surgery that would not "cure" him of the problem re-occurring. Shel had to take him to the Vets to put him to sleep the other night.
Shel has had cats that have lived a LONG time - indoor cats, living in a city. Since we have had cats live to be 17 years or more it is hard to compare the long lives they have had with the relatively short life of Helios. (He was still more than 7 years old so I believe he's had a good acreage life). I find the farmers here take a much different perspective on the lives and longevity of their animals. I'm sure they think we are strange at how we lament the passing of our animals.
CJ was devastated and told me that he had never had a chance to teach him how to fetch a ball.
Because we live where we do we are able to bring our pets home and bury them. Shel brought Helios home for us to bury.
This morning our 6 month old puppy, Flames, was hit and killed by a truck. It was absolutely horrendous and I am FUMING mad that the person who killed our dog didn't even have the decency to come and tell us what had happened. There is absolutely NO WAY they didn't know what they did. Our poor Puppy was completely broken. CJ cried and cried and said he didn't get a chance to teach Flames to fetch a ball either. CJ and I WILL teach Brownie how to fetch a ball soon!
We had to dig a grave for Flames today and Helios. We started digging but our yard used to be a gravel pit and digging in the yard is virtually impossible. It sucks.
Before we had a chance to dig a hole large enough to bury the puppy and Helios, we had a grass fire and I had to call 911 because the fire was headed towards the power poles. We had an old shed on the property that was knocked down years ago , before we even moved to the house. We have never completely taken it apart and I had no idea what was in the pile of debris and that was a bit scary. It turns out there were some old tires in the pile which made impressive black clouds of smoke visible from town (about 25km away). When the fire department responded they did so with ALL four trucks - because they could see the smoke from town and thought they had a doozie of a fire on their hands. They were able to put out the fire very quickly (it was not a bad one and there were many of them!) and we proceeded with the burial.
We put Flames into the ground and CJ got a bone for him to be buried with. We got the ashes of Rescue that we have been saving to bury and buried those with a bone. We went to get the box with Helios to put with the puppies and I'll be damned - we cannot find the box.
You know your day has been ridiculously bad when you lose your dead cat. We looked high and low and cannot find that silly box. I told Shel we should probably have smudged today, to get rid of the negative energy. She pointed out that we did smudge - most of our yard.

How Many Times?

We have been foster parents for many years and have had children come and go from our home numerous times. Last October, two of the children we had been fostering for close to two years were returned  home under circumstances I did not agree with. It was one of the most difficult experiences we have ever endured. After the heartbreak brought about by the circumstances of the end of this placement we had decided that we would not continue fostering.
We set a date with our case worker to make our decision known to her and for a number of reasons (her illness, our schedules, etc.) this meeting was postponed a number of times and finally scheduled for a day last month.
The day arrived. Our appointment was scheduled for 1pm.
At 8 am we got an urgent call from the worker asking us to return the call immediately. The kids were coming back into care that day and she wanted to know if we would take them. Without any hesitation we did. We have had a great month.
There have been two court dates since then and a third and final scheduled for this week. I have worked REALLY hard to not allow myself to stress over the court dates and to allow for things to happen the way they will - my worry will not change the outcome of these proceeding anyway. This week there is (what I understand to be) a final court proceeding. There is a possibility that circumstances will again take the kids from our home. Two days.

30 x 30 Nature Challenge

I have signed up.
You should.
For the next 30 days, spend 30 minutes a day in Nature.
Sign up here
I will let you know how it goes!

Turn Around Bright Eyes

I love the song "Total Eclipse of the Heart".
Tonight there is a real eclipse, a lunar eclipse. A blood moon rising.  In fact I might sing about it as it is happening. Not the ENTIRE time it is happening because it lasts for hours and hours. It begins just around midnight and takes about an hour for the moon to become completely overcome by the shadow of the earth. When it is completely covered the moon will appear "red".

I am really excited about it for a number of different reasons.
Since I enjoy making lists, I will enumerate the reasons for you.

1. I love the moon.
2. My son is very excited to watch the eclipse with me and I can't wait to share it with him.
3. This is the first of four blood moons this year that will be visible from our geographic location. This is also called a "tetrad". It has not happened since 1967 and will not happen again until 2032 - at which time not all four will be visible from Alberta. So a good reason to get out and see them all!
4. A Blood Moon Rising is symbolic of a great positive change and new beginning - which I am looking forward to!

Here is some information you can link to if you are interested in more about the Blood Moon.
The image above was copied from the article I have linked you to.

Book review: All The Broken Things

Here are the two main reasons I love this book. #1. It so well written it evokes in me emotion, not many readers are capable of writing in such a way. I wont say it evokes emotion I LIKE - but it is evocative and I appreciate that. #2. At the same time as the writer paints a melancholy portrait of the life of Bo, she injects the hope of relationships. Orange learns to communicate, Bo makes REAL connections with people who care about him. The world is not ONLY a bleak place. Great story.
The book is about the life of Fourteen-year-old Bo, a boat person from Vietnam. Bo is living in a small house in Toronto with his mother, Thao, and his four-year-old sister. The home has been provided for them from the sponsors who paid to bring them from Vietnam. A religious group. His sister was born disfigured as a result of agent Orange. Her name means Orange Blossom and Bo calls her Orange. Bo's mom keeps his sister hidden away and it is Bo's responsibility to care for her when he is not in school.
Bo is a fighter, literally, and gets into fights on a daily basis. He is a talented fighter, talented enough to win, but he never does. He feels a connection to the boy he fights most often, realizing this is the person he has the most intimate contact with on a daily basis.
One day a carnival worker and bear trainer, Gerry, sees Bo in a streetfight, and recruits him for the bear wrestling circuit. Gerry gives Bo a bear cub to raise and train as his own.
Max, Gerry's boss, is fascinated by the boy and gets to know his mother - with the intent of using Orange in his side show to make money. In the process of trying to manipulate Thao, they fall in love. The church tells Thao she has to leave the house. Max takes Thao and Orange and leaves Bo behind. Bo knows he and his cub are alone and he sets out on his own. Living first in the park and then back with the circus Bo and his bear survive.

Church Attendance

For the first 23 years of my life I attended church faithfully. When  I say faithfully I mean, I went every Sunday to3 hours of  meetings, once a week at least to activities. As a teenager in high school I attended an early morning seminary - religious scripture study - every morning for four years BEFORE school and I had 100 percent attendance. I served a full time, 18 month, mission for my church. I think it is safe to say I was a very religious person. In the past ten years I have not attended church at all.

I have visited a friends church once with my spouse and a foster child. I have taken foster children to a Sunday service at a catholic church once. Recently, also for purposes of work, I have attended three consecutive weeks of church in my small community.

When I entered the church the first Sunday I was VERY conscious of looking around to see who I knew from the community in attendance and how I felt about them. I saw a handful of people I recognize. One of the men I saw, has a son who is gay, and who was not supportive of his son's sexuality AT ALL. He has also not been an overly friendly person to me. One of the women I saw, is singly, the most mean and unkind person I have encountered in this community, with unkindness directed towards me repeatedly over a span of 10 years here. Also, two men I saw are two of the kindest men my family knows, and one lady has also been extremely friendly to me. Six of one and half a dozen of the other. I am not there for myself anyway, but I thought it was interesting, in a church that preaches acceptance to all, that the congregation has such a mix of personalities. The reality is that I am not there to judge them, but was concerned for how well I would be accepted. I figured I would live with the mix of people since I am there for work, however I am slightly concerned about the one woman so I will try to be open to my feelings as I move forward. I am not willing to put myself into a situation where I will be treated poorly - even if it is for work!

Now I get to the motivation behind this post today. A woman we have been working with for many years, as a support to our family through fostering and other support agencies, found out I was attending church for work. She came to talk to me about it. I have never seen someone so excited about me attending church. she was saying things like" Whatever it takes to get you through those doors doesn't matter as long as your bum is in that seat.' HA! Then she was telling me how I could download a bible to my I-pad and how to navigate the bible etc. Obviously she doesn't know a few things about me. I know a LOT about the bible and I have no problem navigating it. I am not planning on reading it anytime soon. I have read it a number of times cover to cover. I am not interested in joining a congregation myself and wont be attending church unless it is for work purposes. And last but not least - why get excited over me attending church? It does not make me a different or a better person. It did show me a lot about her though. Sadly.

I can HONESTLY say. I am more spiritual now than I think I have ever been. It has nothing to do with church and although I did not find the church service offensive, I did not feel as though it did anything to enhance my spirituality or my connection to the divine.

12 of 12

On the 12 of the month I took 12 photos of my day. I had every intention of uploading them ON the 12th, but like most of my good intentions, the plan lived only in my mind and not in reality. I still wanted to post the photos though, so here is my day on the 12th of this month, in 12 images.

 #1. It is FINALLY warming up and the first sign that it isn't just my imagination is the fact that the town is removing the winter lights from the light posts in town. Hip Hip Hooray!

 #2. The Fine Arts Center in Town is having a silent auction of art collected over the years from art competitions. This week we can go in and look at all the past winners of art competitions and decide if we want to bid on any art at the auction later this month.

 #3. Here is one wall of art winners. They don't have this competition anymore. It's too bad really. It seems like it would have been a fun event.

 #4. I thought this piece etched out of wood was cool.

 #5. Here is a piece of some abandoned buildings. These buildings used to be all over the place and I loved to see them in the fields. Now many of them are gone and it won't be long till this painting is all that remains of them.

 #6. I looked out the window and what did I see? RUNNING WATER! More evidence of spring!!!

 #7. Trying to do some art projects and not just "colouring books" . I am enjoying seeking out ideas and them working on them.

 #8. Our little Brownie. She will be four months old this month. She likes her Skunk toy. Between one job and the next I had to run home for a minute and she was outside with her toys. She usually doesn't like to be on the snow - it is too cold for her tender sensibilities!

 #9. Evidence of the boys playing on the snow hill. This has been the most amazing thing to have in our yard this winter. Ben Rocks.

 #10. Standing outside and listening to the water come down through the pipes and I thought "This is what spring means to me." Then I looked at the water coming down the downspout and HELLO?! I that an electrical outlet right there?! It figures!

 #11. My day is done and I am headed home, but I know someone will be waiting to see if I arrive with Milk and I cannot let that little man down!

#12. Thank-goodness it is open 24 hours. Soon it will still be light out when I leave to go home at night.

That's my day folks!

Letter to Max (7 years 6 months)

Dear Max,

Hey big guy. It's past time for me to be writing another letter to you. I thought I would attach a photo I took of you today. The sun FINALLY came out - the last week the temperatures were the coldest I have ever experienced with the wind chill factor.

Today the sun came out and the temperature is above zero.
You are outside on the big pile of snow Ben made for you in the yard sledding in your shorts and slippers! Funny Guy. Have I told you lately that I love your beautiful smile?





Earlier this week you were at horseback riding lessons and Mama Shel texted me and said you were wearing size 9 men's boots. I was shocked - because that's the size I wear. I decided to check it out when we were home together and I got this shot of our feet. YIKES! Your feet ARE as big as mine laddie - and you are SEVEN years old. Holy moly. ( I also love this photo because it shows how much the puppies love you. This is Flames at 3 months old)



You have done a couple of things recently I wanted to write down so I don't forget. I was in the grocery store with you and your brother. He and I were playing in the cart and you told me I was being embarrassing to you in public! I have a feeling that your brother and I will be a source of embarrassment to you a lot as you grow older unfortunately.

In the same grocery store visit in the check out line you were standing too close to the woman in front of us. I explained to you that you were in her bubble and needed to step back. You came and stood by me and put your hand right on my boob and asked if you were in my bubble now. I couldn't stop laughing, and yes, you were in my bubble!

One of the ways I know you are growing and maturing is the way you are playing with your brother. You used to get so frustrated with him using his imagination because your world is so black and white. This week he was dressed, as usual, in his Iron Man costume and you got dressed up as a dragon and played with him! I was listening to you talking to him and you make me laugh. You don't like it so much when I laugh, because you haven't figured out yet that I am not making fun of you (we will keep working on it) so I don't laugh out loud when I am with you, but Bud, you are a funny guy. You called out to Iron Man to come to you in the kitchen and he replied "Just a minute" to which you responded " You can't say just a minute when you are Iron Man, it could be an emergency!"

I just want to remind you that for as long as you live you are welcome to be in my bubble. I love you my son.

Rest your head, close to my heart, never to part, Baby of mine.

Love Mama Ju

Barn Icicles

A Converation I Wish I Never Had.

First of all let me just say - this map is one I saw on facebook and I have not verified if it is ACTUALLY true that temperatures were that low with the wind chill.
Second of all let me say that this weekend WAS the coldest weekend on record in Saskatchewan and it broke all kinds of records.

Here is the conversation I had with my mother, the one that I think two human beings should never have to have - that I wish I had never had!

Me: " Ma, I just saw something that said the temperatures close to you are -100 degrees with the wind chill. Are you o.k.?"
Mom: "Oh Love, I am fine. It is only -60 degrees here."

Thursday Thirteen: Small things that speak volumes to me

MORE Thursday 13 Participants can be found HERE. Check it out!

This week my topic is 13 Small Things that Speak Volumes to Me....


1. The heaving sigh the puppies makes when they lay down beside me.

2. Having people look me in the eye when they speak to me.

3. People taking grocery carts back into the store when they are finished unloading.

4. The gift of photos of our sons in a frame that was given to us by our friend at Christmas. It was the kindest, most thoughtful thing ever and I love it.

5. My co-worker bringing me a coffee when she relieves me at work because she has stopped for one for herself on the way in.

6. My son saying " I love you more than that" when I tell him I love him.

7. An email from my mom in the morning that she sends before her day begins. There is always an email waiting when I wake up to start my day.

8. Out of the blue texts from friends who live far away saying " Thinking of you" and nothing else.

9. Having someone lend me four seasons of "Downton Abbey" to watch.

10. Sitting in the living room with my spouse after the kids have gone to bed and watching a show together.

11. Listening to my kids and my spouse laughing.

12. Someone recommending a book to me.

13. My spouse making a salad for me so it is ready when I come home after a late shift.

Our New Puppies

We have new puppies. They are just over three months old, litter mates and a mixed breed. We looked up characteristics of both breeds to see if we could get an idea of what kinds of things we might find in our babies as they grow. He are some of the things we have found out that seem to be true of our babies (they have been home with us for a just over a month).
1. They are comical, affectionate and playful.
2. They are SUPER INTELLIGENT.
3. They like to be challenged and have fun and will make up games if they are not entertained.
4. Howling is a favorite pastime. This is SO true, particularly of Flames (CJ's puppy). He loves to howl and when he gets started the others all join in. By others I mean :Brownie, Zuva, Max and CJ!

Riding lessons

Recently in our small community an opportunity has presented itself for us to get riding lessons for the boys. They have ridden horses before with friends, but never taken any kind of formal lessons. In a small community options for recreation are limited (unless we participate in hockey - which we currently don't). We were thrilled with the chance and signed them up immediately. True to form, our eldest is not interested at all in getting onto the horse, but he was willing to go into the arena and LEAD the horse (or "drive it" as he says). Our thrill seeking younger son was excited to go and at the end of his first lesson his only complaint was that he didn't get to go faster! He has had two lessons, and we have signed up for more. My hope is that the eldest will decide at some point he wants to participate but in the meantime we will let him "drive", and that's ok!

Land lots of land - and goats

We live on six acres of land which is PLENTY enough to raise some animals. I have a SMALL desire to have other kinds of animals, but a BIGGER desire to remain free to come and go as I please without worrying about getting someone else to tend the smallholding. (which now that I write it out is FUNNY if you know me - I am a total homebody and hate going anywhere!)
I have dreams of having goats - I don't know why - they amuse me and I think they would be great for the boys. I would also like chickens, a few beehives, and maybe a cow and a donkey and a miniature horse or two.
Realistically it is unlikely that we will ever have animals, but if we did I would ABSOLUTELY get one of these:

Parking Problems - rural style

I remind myself often that people actually pay to get out of cities and stay in rural locations as a "getaway". I am grateful that this is where I live. I see the northern lights often. I see the stars brightly shining nightly. I see wildlife literally on a daily basis, and I don't have to drive though nasty traffic to get to work and my parking is free!
The other day when I arrived at work I was a little preoccupied with gathering all of my stuff and when I looked up ready to out of my vehicle there were two moose in the yard.
I would rather my parking "problems" than some of my friends and families problems in cities!

By the time I put all my garbage down and got my camera in hand they had walked off into the bushes, but here is evidence that I DID see them.

An Apologetic Gay

This week I went to a presentation on homophobic bullying. I am so grateful that I had the opportunity to go and hear the speaker. He spoke about some things I already know, and some things I had no idea about. But one thing that he said specifically resonated with me.
He talked about measuring the "health" or the "safety" of a community - whether it be a school, a town, a company, a government - by the visibility and involvement of minorities. If a space is not a safe space then the minorities will not speak out, they will not be vocal, they may not even be visible. It really made me think of our experiences in this small community where we have been for more than ten years. First of all we are the ONLY out gay couple that I know of. There is no gay organization in this community at all. The high schools have no out gay students or gay student organization and the college has no gay student organization.
Let me say this before I continue - there are "pockets" of places where we have felt very accepted in this community. One of these is with some of the administrators and teachers and aides at the school where our kids attend. On days Mother's day they send home two cards, or two projects for the boys for each of us. On Fathers day they send home a project for us, so the kids are still working on things when the others are making things for their dads. We have a pocket of support in our small rural community - we have neighbours who are AMAZING and who have been good friends to us. So we don't live in this horribly hostile place and I don't want to give the impression that we do. However, having said that, I DO feel as though I have been stifled. I have stood in my office at work when co-workers have made fun of gay people. I attended a family campout with my children where at a campfire one of my friends husbands, in front of everyone, said to me " I have no problem with people being lesbian, I just think if they use a dildo then they are not a real lesbian and they are fooling themselves. Do you use one?" Interestingly he did not, nor did anyone else, talk about the sexual practices of anyone else around the campfire, and whether or not their sexuality was "valid".
I think of myself sometimes as an "apologetic gay". I am sorry for the anguish that my being gay has caused in my life and in the lives of my family. I am sorry that it has affected some of my relationships. I am very conscious about the things I say, the things I post on facebook, the things I post on my blog, and the way I present myself (or don't present myself) in public because I don't want to be offensive. I have avoided saying things when co-workers have made gay jokes or said "That's so gay". I have laughed off, and downplayed comments like the one made to me at the family picnic. It makes me a little sad. A LOT sad - because as I sat in that presentation and I thought of being a gay teen in this community where there is no support, I thought of how I WOULD say things on the behalf of that youth. I would protect, I would advocate and I would not be silent in the face of such overt and blatant homophobia. I am sad that I have not done that for myself, and for my spouse. I resolved in that meeting that I would like to change how I have been apologetic. Now I just need to figure out how!