Monday, September 7, 2009

Surgery in three days

I would be totally lying if I said I was anything other than COMPLETELY nervous about this surgery. On the one hand I hate that I can't explain anything to my boy so that he knows what to expect. There's no doubt in my mind he COULD understand if there was a way to communicate it to him, but the rudimentary signing we are doing with him just isn't cutting it for communication between us.
That's the other reason I am so nervous. This could be the break through we have been waiting for in his understanding language and learning to speak, but it could also be just the beginning of something much longer and more complex.
I SOOO SOOO SOOO much want for him to wake up from this surgery and have a whole new world open to him, but the reality is that IF the surgery works at all and IF he wakes up and is able to hear, what he experiences could possibly be overwhelming and terrifying to him.
I want for this day to be the solution to the communication problems we are having, but it's not like he will wake up and all of a sudden start talking -and if he CAN hear - the things he hears will be like nothing he has ever heard before, and so in many was he will be just like a baby hearing things for the first time. He has this surgery and turns three with a few weeks of one another, there's a lot happening in his world right now. He is recently blossoming into a gentle and happy and funny kid and this could take us backwards in his development before it takes us forward.
I know I need to be patient. I know I need to be calm and mellow and able to offer him the safe place he will likely need when he wakes up and (hopefully) can hear.... I am just so afraid of wanting too much.

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