Saturday, June 20, 2015

Fathers Day

ASo it's Father's Day this weekend. I hate Father's Day. 

My dad left our family three years ago and has another family now. A new wife and child (ren)?  

I used to adore my dad. Idolize and love him. Now I don't know what I feel for him. I don't keep in touch with him (mostly my choice I think?) He send emails every now and then telling us which country he is working in. (I'm not sure why?)  He doesn't know my kids, although he met my oldest when he was a few months old. I don't even think he knows how many kids I have?  My kids don't know him or anything about him. He sucks at remembering birthdays. Two years ago he confused my birthday with my brothers, last year he didn't remember it at all. 

He lives in another country and his life and interactions with us are filtered. I have never spoken or written publicly about it out of respect for my mom. I don't disrespect my mom now - but I think three years is long enough for me to be silent about how I feel about him - especially since Father's Day has not been suspended and I have to live through another one, full of people commenting all over Facebook and Twitter and Instagram how incredible and amazing and wonderful their fathers are and I think mines ....well , not. 

Father's Day for me is a reminder of regret,sadness,and abandonment.

I used to list characteristics of my parents and myself and wonder which I inherited from whom. I loved that I was a combination of these completely cool people and wanted to embody the best of both of them. 

 My sense of direction - my dad. My appearance - more my dad. My height - my mom. My religious conviction ( when I had it ) - my mom. My ease in academic areas - my dad. My sense of humour - mostly dad. Work ethic - Mom and dad equally. Artistic skill - dad. Loathe of shopping - mom. Love of travel - both equally. My love of singing and musical ability - my mom. My out of control eyebrows - dad. 

Outside of personal characteristics there are simply personal preferences I have grown up with that I learned at the knees of my parents... Coke - dad. Piña colada Orange Julius - mom. I follow Liverpool soccer team in the EPL - totally a passion of my dads ( and through him also my moms). Movies and technology and staying up late - dad. 

Now I don't know if I want to have anything about me resemble any trait or preference of my dad. I am deeply hurt by his betrayal and subsequent departure from my life. 

 How do I purge myself of my sense of direction, my blue eyes, my DNA?  

1 comment:

Michelle said...

Today was a weird day for me, too. My dad died in January. The first Father's Day without him will hopefully be the worst and weirdest that it gets. It was just a normal day, and that's what makes it strange!