Turn Around Bright Eyes

I love the song "Total Eclipse of the Heart".
Tonight there is a real eclipse, a lunar eclipse. A blood moon rising.  In fact I might sing about it as it is happening. Not the ENTIRE time it is happening because it lasts for hours and hours. It begins just around midnight and takes about an hour for the moon to become completely overcome by the shadow of the earth. When it is completely covered the moon will appear "red".

I am really excited about it for a number of different reasons.
Since I enjoy making lists, I will enumerate the reasons for you.

1. I love the moon.
2. My son is very excited to watch the eclipse with me and I can't wait to share it with him.
3. This is the first of four blood moons this year that will be visible from our geographic location. This is also called a "tetrad". It has not happened since 1967 and will not happen again until 2032 - at which time not all four will be visible from Alberta. So a good reason to get out and see them all!
4. A Blood Moon Rising is symbolic of a great positive change and new beginning - which I am looking forward to!

Here is some information you can link to if you are interested in more about the Blood Moon.
The image above was copied from the article I have linked you to.

Book review: All The Broken Things

Here are the two main reasons I love this book. #1. It so well written it evokes in me emotion, not many readers are capable of writing in such a way. I wont say it evokes emotion I LIKE - but it is evocative and I appreciate that. #2. At the same time as the writer paints a melancholy portrait of the life of Bo, she injects the hope of relationships. Orange learns to communicate, Bo makes REAL connections with people who care about him. The world is not ONLY a bleak place. Great story.
The book is about the life of Fourteen-year-old Bo, a boat person from Vietnam. Bo is living in a small house in Toronto with his mother, Thao, and his four-year-old sister. The home has been provided for them from the sponsors who paid to bring them from Vietnam. A religious group. His sister was born disfigured as a result of agent Orange. Her name means Orange Blossom and Bo calls her Orange. Bo's mom keeps his sister hidden away and it is Bo's responsibility to care for her when he is not in school.
Bo is a fighter, literally, and gets into fights on a daily basis. He is a talented fighter, talented enough to win, but he never does. He feels a connection to the boy he fights most often, realizing this is the person he has the most intimate contact with on a daily basis.
One day a carnival worker and bear trainer, Gerry, sees Bo in a streetfight, and recruits him for the bear wrestling circuit. Gerry gives Bo a bear cub to raise and train as his own.
Max, Gerry's boss, is fascinated by the boy and gets to know his mother - with the intent of using Orange in his side show to make money. In the process of trying to manipulate Thao, they fall in love. The church tells Thao she has to leave the house. Max takes Thao and Orange and leaves Bo behind. Bo knows he and his cub are alone and he sets out on his own. Living first in the park and then back with the circus Bo and his bear survive.

Church Attendance

For the first 23 years of my life I attended church faithfully. When  I say faithfully I mean, I went every Sunday to3 hours of  meetings, once a week at least to activities. As a teenager in high school I attended an early morning seminary - religious scripture study - every morning for four years BEFORE school and I had 100 percent attendance. I served a full time, 18 month, mission for my church. I think it is safe to say I was a very religious person. In the past ten years I have not attended church at all.

I have visited a friends church once with my spouse and a foster child. I have taken foster children to a Sunday service at a catholic church once. Recently, also for purposes of work, I have attended three consecutive weeks of church in my small community.

When I entered the church the first Sunday I was VERY conscious of looking around to see who I knew from the community in attendance and how I felt about them. I saw a handful of people I recognize. One of the men I saw, has a son who is gay, and who was not supportive of his son's sexuality AT ALL. He has also not been an overly friendly person to me. One of the women I saw, is singly, the most mean and unkind person I have encountered in this community, with unkindness directed towards me repeatedly over a span of 10 years here. Also, two men I saw are two of the kindest men my family knows, and one lady has also been extremely friendly to me. Six of one and half a dozen of the other. I am not there for myself anyway, but I thought it was interesting, in a church that preaches acceptance to all, that the congregation has such a mix of personalities. The reality is that I am not there to judge them, but was concerned for how well I would be accepted. I figured I would live with the mix of people since I am there for work, however I am slightly concerned about the one woman so I will try to be open to my feelings as I move forward. I am not willing to put myself into a situation where I will be treated poorly - even if it is for work!

Now I get to the motivation behind this post today. A woman we have been working with for many years, as a support to our family through fostering and other support agencies, found out I was attending church for work. She came to talk to me about it. I have never seen someone so excited about me attending church. she was saying things like" Whatever it takes to get you through those doors doesn't matter as long as your bum is in that seat.' HA! Then she was telling me how I could download a bible to my I-pad and how to navigate the bible etc. Obviously she doesn't know a few things about me. I know a LOT about the bible and I have no problem navigating it. I am not planning on reading it anytime soon. I have read it a number of times cover to cover. I am not interested in joining a congregation myself and wont be attending church unless it is for work purposes. And last but not least - why get excited over me attending church? It does not make me a different or a better person. It did show me a lot about her though. Sadly.

I can HONESTLY say. I am more spiritual now than I think I have ever been. It has nothing to do with church and although I did not find the church service offensive, I did not feel as though it did anything to enhance my spirituality or my connection to the divine.

12 of 12

On the 12 of the month I took 12 photos of my day. I had every intention of uploading them ON the 12th, but like most of my good intentions, the plan lived only in my mind and not in reality. I still wanted to post the photos though, so here is my day on the 12th of this month, in 12 images.

 #1. It is FINALLY warming up and the first sign that it isn't just my imagination is the fact that the town is removing the winter lights from the light posts in town. Hip Hip Hooray!

 #2. The Fine Arts Center in Town is having a silent auction of art collected over the years from art competitions. This week we can go in and look at all the past winners of art competitions and decide if we want to bid on any art at the auction later this month.

 #3. Here is one wall of art winners. They don't have this competition anymore. It's too bad really. It seems like it would have been a fun event.

 #4. I thought this piece etched out of wood was cool.

 #5. Here is a piece of some abandoned buildings. These buildings used to be all over the place and I loved to see them in the fields. Now many of them are gone and it won't be long till this painting is all that remains of them.

 #6. I looked out the window and what did I see? RUNNING WATER! More evidence of spring!!!

 #7. Trying to do some art projects and not just "colouring books" . I am enjoying seeking out ideas and them working on them.

 #8. Our little Brownie. She will be four months old this month. She likes her Skunk toy. Between one job and the next I had to run home for a minute and she was outside with her toys. She usually doesn't like to be on the snow - it is too cold for her tender sensibilities!

 #9. Evidence of the boys playing on the snow hill. This has been the most amazing thing to have in our yard this winter. Ben Rocks.

 #10. Standing outside and listening to the water come down through the pipes and I thought "This is what spring means to me." Then I looked at the water coming down the downspout and HELLO?! I that an electrical outlet right there?! It figures!

 #11. My day is done and I am headed home, but I know someone will be waiting to see if I arrive with Milk and I cannot let that little man down!

#12. Thank-goodness it is open 24 hours. Soon it will still be light out when I leave to go home at night.

That's my day folks!

Letter to Max (7 years 6 months)

Dear Max,

Hey big guy. It's past time for me to be writing another letter to you. I thought I would attach a photo I took of you today. The sun FINALLY came out - the last week the temperatures were the coldest I have ever experienced with the wind chill factor.

Today the sun came out and the temperature is above zero.
You are outside on the big pile of snow Ben made for you in the yard sledding in your shorts and slippers! Funny Guy. Have I told you lately that I love your beautiful smile?





Earlier this week you were at horseback riding lessons and Mama Shel texted me and said you were wearing size 9 men's boots. I was shocked - because that's the size I wear. I decided to check it out when we were home together and I got this shot of our feet. YIKES! Your feet ARE as big as mine laddie - and you are SEVEN years old. Holy moly. ( I also love this photo because it shows how much the puppies love you. This is Flames at 3 months old)



You have done a couple of things recently I wanted to write down so I don't forget. I was in the grocery store with you and your brother. He and I were playing in the cart and you told me I was being embarrassing to you in public! I have a feeling that your brother and I will be a source of embarrassment to you a lot as you grow older unfortunately.

In the same grocery store visit in the check out line you were standing too close to the woman in front of us. I explained to you that you were in her bubble and needed to step back. You came and stood by me and put your hand right on my boob and asked if you were in my bubble now. I couldn't stop laughing, and yes, you were in my bubble!

One of the ways I know you are growing and maturing is the way you are playing with your brother. You used to get so frustrated with him using his imagination because your world is so black and white. This week he was dressed, as usual, in his Iron Man costume and you got dressed up as a dragon and played with him! I was listening to you talking to him and you make me laugh. You don't like it so much when I laugh, because you haven't figured out yet that I am not making fun of you (we will keep working on it) so I don't laugh out loud when I am with you, but Bud, you are a funny guy. You called out to Iron Man to come to you in the kitchen and he replied "Just a minute" to which you responded " You can't say just a minute when you are Iron Man, it could be an emergency!"

I just want to remind you that for as long as you live you are welcome to be in my bubble. I love you my son.

Rest your head, close to my heart, never to part, Baby of mine.

Love Mama Ju

Barn Icicles

A Converation I Wish I Never Had.

First of all let me just say - this map is one I saw on facebook and I have not verified if it is ACTUALLY true that temperatures were that low with the wind chill.
Second of all let me say that this weekend WAS the coldest weekend on record in Saskatchewan and it broke all kinds of records.

Here is the conversation I had with my mother, the one that I think two human beings should never have to have - that I wish I had never had!

Me: " Ma, I just saw something that said the temperatures close to you are -100 degrees with the wind chill. Are you o.k.?"
Mom: "Oh Love, I am fine. It is only -60 degrees here."

Thursday Thirteen: Small things that speak volumes to me

MORE Thursday 13 Participants can be found HERE. Check it out!

This week my topic is 13 Small Things that Speak Volumes to Me....


1. The heaving sigh the puppies makes when they lay down beside me.

2. Having people look me in the eye when they speak to me.

3. People taking grocery carts back into the store when they are finished unloading.

4. The gift of photos of our sons in a frame that was given to us by our friend at Christmas. It was the kindest, most thoughtful thing ever and I love it.

5. My co-worker bringing me a coffee when she relieves me at work because she has stopped for one for herself on the way in.

6. My son saying " I love you more than that" when I tell him I love him.

7. An email from my mom in the morning that she sends before her day begins. There is always an email waiting when I wake up to start my day.

8. Out of the blue texts from friends who live far away saying " Thinking of you" and nothing else.

9. Having someone lend me four seasons of "Downton Abbey" to watch.

10. Sitting in the living room with my spouse after the kids have gone to bed and watching a show together.

11. Listening to my kids and my spouse laughing.

12. Someone recommending a book to me.

13. My spouse making a salad for me so it is ready when I come home after a late shift.

Our New Puppies

We have new puppies. They are just over three months old, litter mates and a mixed breed. We looked up characteristics of both breeds to see if we could get an idea of what kinds of things we might find in our babies as they grow. He are some of the things we have found out that seem to be true of our babies (they have been home with us for a just over a month).
1. They are comical, affectionate and playful.
2. They are SUPER INTELLIGENT.
3. They like to be challenged and have fun and will make up games if they are not entertained.
4. Howling is a favorite pastime. This is SO true, particularly of Flames (CJ's puppy). He loves to howl and when he gets started the others all join in. By others I mean :Brownie, Zuva, Max and CJ!

Riding lessons

Recently in our small community an opportunity has presented itself for us to get riding lessons for the boys. They have ridden horses before with friends, but never taken any kind of formal lessons. In a small community options for recreation are limited (unless we participate in hockey - which we currently don't). We were thrilled with the chance and signed them up immediately. True to form, our eldest is not interested at all in getting onto the horse, but he was willing to go into the arena and LEAD the horse (or "drive it" as he says). Our thrill seeking younger son was excited to go and at the end of his first lesson his only complaint was that he didn't get to go faster! He has had two lessons, and we have signed up for more. My hope is that the eldest will decide at some point he wants to participate but in the meantime we will let him "drive", and that's ok!

Land lots of land - and goats

We live on six acres of land which is PLENTY enough to raise some animals. I have a SMALL desire to have other kinds of animals, but a BIGGER desire to remain free to come and go as I please without worrying about getting someone else to tend the smallholding. (which now that I write it out is FUNNY if you know me - I am a total homebody and hate going anywhere!)
I have dreams of having goats - I don't know why - they amuse me and I think they would be great for the boys. I would also like chickens, a few beehives, and maybe a cow and a donkey and a miniature horse or two.
Realistically it is unlikely that we will ever have animals, but if we did I would ABSOLUTELY get one of these:

Parking Problems - rural style

I remind myself often that people actually pay to get out of cities and stay in rural locations as a "getaway". I am grateful that this is where I live. I see the northern lights often. I see the stars brightly shining nightly. I see wildlife literally on a daily basis, and I don't have to drive though nasty traffic to get to work and my parking is free!
The other day when I arrived at work I was a little preoccupied with gathering all of my stuff and when I looked up ready to out of my vehicle there were two moose in the yard.
I would rather my parking "problems" than some of my friends and families problems in cities!

By the time I put all my garbage down and got my camera in hand they had walked off into the bushes, but here is evidence that I DID see them.

An Apologetic Gay

This week I went to a presentation on homophobic bullying. I am so grateful that I had the opportunity to go and hear the speaker. He spoke about some things I already know, and some things I had no idea about. But one thing that he said specifically resonated with me.
He talked about measuring the "health" or the "safety" of a community - whether it be a school, a town, a company, a government - by the visibility and involvement of minorities. If a space is not a safe space then the minorities will not speak out, they will not be vocal, they may not even be visible. It really made me think of our experiences in this small community where we have been for more than ten years. First of all we are the ONLY out gay couple that I know of. There is no gay organization in this community at all. The high schools have no out gay students or gay student organization and the college has no gay student organization.
Let me say this before I continue - there are "pockets" of places where we have felt very accepted in this community. One of these is with some of the administrators and teachers and aides at the school where our kids attend. On days Mother's day they send home two cards, or two projects for the boys for each of us. On Fathers day they send home a project for us, so the kids are still working on things when the others are making things for their dads. We have a pocket of support in our small rural community - we have neighbours who are AMAZING and who have been good friends to us. So we don't live in this horribly hostile place and I don't want to give the impression that we do. However, having said that, I DO feel as though I have been stifled. I have stood in my office at work when co-workers have made fun of gay people. I attended a family campout with my children where at a campfire one of my friends husbands, in front of everyone, said to me " I have no problem with people being lesbian, I just think if they use a dildo then they are not a real lesbian and they are fooling themselves. Do you use one?" Interestingly he did not, nor did anyone else, talk about the sexual practices of anyone else around the campfire, and whether or not their sexuality was "valid".
I think of myself sometimes as an "apologetic gay". I am sorry for the anguish that my being gay has caused in my life and in the lives of my family. I am sorry that it has affected some of my relationships. I am very conscious about the things I say, the things I post on facebook, the things I post on my blog, and the way I present myself (or don't present myself) in public because I don't want to be offensive. I have avoided saying things when co-workers have made gay jokes or said "That's so gay". I have laughed off, and downplayed comments like the one made to me at the family picnic. It makes me a little sad. A LOT sad - because as I sat in that presentation and I thought of being a gay teen in this community where there is no support, I thought of how I WOULD say things on the behalf of that youth. I would protect, I would advocate and I would not be silent in the face of such overt and blatant homophobia. I am sad that I have not done that for myself, and for my spouse. I resolved in that meeting that I would like to change how I have been apologetic. Now I just need to figure out how!

Silly Zuva

Zuva is our dog. We got her from a local rescue as a puppy many years ago. She is a great dog and she is getting older. She is not so fond of playing all the time any more - our first real physical sign of her age. She has always been very playful. She will still play, but now on her terms, not on ours. She is fond of finding cozy places to rest, and at Christmas she decided one of those spaces was under the tree where no-one could easily reach her. Silly pup.

42 goals for being 42

When I turned 42 I decided I wanted to set 42 goals and I began a list which unfortunately only made it to number ten!
Here are the ten things I have come up with so far - and there are only ten months remaining in the year. D'OH!
So I am up to 19 goals. I have completed 3 of them. Not bad - only 39 left to complete in the next ten months.


1. Get a tattoo - I GOT ONE! I January I got another tattoo. I am happy with it, but of course I want more. Dang I love tattoos.

This is from my family crest and it means "I have fought and conquered".
2. Finish a cross stitch character for mom's nativity.
3. Make a quilt.
4. Take the boys to the ocean.
5. Do a craft from Pinterest that I am interested in.
6. GRADUATE with my master's degree.
7. Blog at least 52 times in the next year. Since January I have blogged three times on this blog and twice on twomomsread. I have to look specifically and see how many times I have blogged since I set the goal for myself.
8. Read at least 52 books in the next year. So far I have read 7 books and I have blogged about two of them on my other blog (twomomsread)
9. Start to Zentangle.
10. Take a photo every single day.

Here are some more goals I have added, (but I am also up for ideas if anyone has any..)
11. Try 10 new recipes out on the family to see if they like them.
12. Make myself a cross stitch tree decoration. I have completed TWO but I am working on a project that has seven cross stitches which I would like to complete. But even if I don't complete all seven - I have finished this goal!
13. Fix up the small room upstairs for me for a craft room.
14. Take a puppy training class.
15. Write a handwritten letter to five people that I love, telling them why I love them.
16. Get a family photo taken and hang it on a wall in our house.
17. Ride bikes with my family.
18. Send 1 items of art (or a letter) from Max and CJ to both their Grannies. Actually PUT IT IN THE MAIL WITH A STAMP AND AN ADDRESS!
19. Write a personal mission statement. DONE! You can read it right here on this blog!

Grief is like a wave

I have often heard the comparison between grief and waves. I thought it meant that grief would ebb and flow the way waves ebb and flow, but tonight as I was driving I was hit with a wave of grief and I realized the comparison has nothing to do with the rising and falling of emotion. Waves have rhythm and a pattern that grief does not.
Grief is salty.
Grief knocks your feet out from under you and for a moment you don't know how to orient yourself with the rest of the world.
Even when you KNOW you will experience grief, the actual impact of grief is shocking and will take your breath away.
Grief is much stronger than you realize.
It is beyond your control and can leave you high and dry with a wicked sand burn.

My Mission Statement

My Cousin Jessica  posted on her blog for the new year her personal mission statement and her resolutions for 2014. I thought it was a very cool idea and so I am going to do it also!
I have never had a personal mission statement. I am excited about this!
Here goes:

 

 

 

My 2014 Personal Mission Statement

 

 

My life has a purpose.

 

I am grateful. I am compassionate. I am strong. I forgive.

 

I have the ability to be balanced and successful in all that I do.

 

I trust myself. I listen to my inner voice. I choose joy.

 

I will see every day as a new opportunity filled with light, laughter, and joy.

 

 

My Resolutions

 

 

I will finish my degree.

 

I will read 52 books.

 

I will incorporate colour into my life daily.

 

 



The holidays are so hard.

I am a huge fan of the holidays. I ADORE tradition and making traditions with my own family is something I love to do. Unfortunately, the holidays are a HUGE stressor for the boys. Change is difficult at the best of times and holidays are so stimulating it can be completely overwhelming. The excitement at school is one thing, but add to that decorations, lights, music, presents, and preparing gifts for family members and it is too too much for my children.
We have tried to decorate early - in November - and leave the decorations up for a super long time for the boys to get used to. We have tried decorating on Christmas Eve and take everything down by Boxing day so there is not so much time to get distressed by the changes.
Let's just say that in the seven years we have had Max, we have had seven different variations on how we attempt to incorporate the holidays in our home. We have still not hit upon the plan that best minimizes the overstimulation. It's a HUGE frustration for Shel and I. We WANT to have a festive and happy holiday. Here we are, less than ten days away from Christmas and we don't have anything up. Well, we do have a Christmas table cloth.
It's so crazy. The "happiest" time of year and I am grieving the loss of my "dream" of Christmas.
I wish I knew what to do to make it the best for the boys without feeling as though I am missing out on something that I love.

What I know for sure

Please bear with me - this post is going to ramble on a bit.

Oprah always says "What I know for sure is...." I have been envious of her - she knows a lot of things for sure! She has been publishing magazines monthly for over ten years and she prints something she knows for sure in each one of them, so that ALONE is more than 120 things that she knows.
I always think - "I wish I knew something for sure."

I mentioned in an earlier post that I am doing meditations for the first time. I am well into the third week and the most recent meditation was about being grateful.

I believe in gratitude. I always have. I had an experience this week where I was away at a conference and a server who was working for the hotel was seeming to have a rough night. One of the women at our table saw her getting into some trouble in the hallway and she was not smiling or enjoying herself as she worked serving dinner. Another (inspired) person at our table issued a challenge to those of us seated there to see who could make her smile first. A challenge is something I am usually up for and it was GREAT fun to try and get her attention, show gratitude for what she was doing for us, and get her to smile. We managed to get her to smile then and over the next 24 hours went out of our way to connect with her. I KNOW FOR SURE that she felt appreciated by us and that it made a difference to her that night. It was a recent and "re"-affirmation that gratitude has power.

Late last night I got a text message that my aunt's organs were failing and that her children were being gathered at the hospital immediately. Later, the decision was made to remove her from the respirator and within a few hours the message came that she had passed away.

I was - I AM  - gutted. I hurt for my mom. I hurt for my cousins. I hurt for me! I lay in bed, my mind racing and I thought, I need to get some sleep tonight and I need to do my meditation. I turned it on and began listening to the message on gratitude. I lay in bed, tears streaming down my face, listening to a message I KNOW to be true - and not feeling like I WANTED to be grateful at all for the passing of my loved one. I felt hypocritical laying there, listening and feeling resentment instead of gratitude. Out of the blue, I imagined being in the presence of my aunt and hearing her say my name. "Ju".

I cried harder, but realized that I have -  I KNOW FOR SURE  that I have - MANY, MANY things to be grateful for.

I am grateful that I was born in a time and in a place and in a  family where I was loved, nurtured and raised by my aunt, forging with her a mother-daughter bond that has lasted my lifetime and is not done.
I am grateful for the skinned knees she fixed when I crashed my bike over a speed bump in California Caravan Park in England - racing to get home to her.
I am grateful that she taught me how to cross stitch, grateful for the Christmas decorations we made together.
I am grateful for the red rosettes she sent to me every year for my birthday - with my age in gold. I am grateful for her voice, her songs, that lifted my spirit. I loved to lay my head on her lap in church and FEEL her sing.
I am grateful for her prayers for me "When the moon is rising". (The moon rises daily - as did her prayers on my behalf !)
There was never a time in my life EVER, that when I called her that she didn't greet me  - "Ju. Hi my love." She only had to hear me say hello and she knew it was me.  I am grateful for the dress she made for me when I graduated from high school - so that I didn't have to wear anything in pastels and with lots of bows - (she still managed to slip in a bow). I am grateful for the blankets she made for my sons. I am grateful for the hand written cards she sent when my pets died . She is one of only two people I know on earth who still sent things in the mail handwritten.

She was there for me in my infancy, there for me in my youth, there for me in my teenage years and in my adulthood.  I have spent time with her on three different continents. I spent summers with her when I was in high school, lived with her when I was.... Who knows what I was?! Confused?
I could go on and on and on and on.

In the last 20 hours or so I have watched her siblings, her nieces and nephews, and others she knows write on facebook about their love for her. The lives she impacted are immeasurable. I could start to make a list of the charitable organizations she has helped, of the hours of service she has put in, and begin to measure the impact she has had on the world. It is plain to see that EVERY person she had contact with has been enriched by their relationship.

Instead of beginning to take measure of the impact she had on others I will share with you what I know for sure  - she loved me. I know she did, and she knows that I love her.

Thank-you Aunty Bren. I know for sure.

Meditation Experience : day 2

I am about to begin the second meditation in the 21 day program with Oprah and Deepak.
Yesterday was my first one and I was nervous but I actually really enjoyed it. I have been looking forward to the second one all day.

You can still join by linking HERE.

The message today included this: "Through meditation, we connect more deeply with the present, increase our awareness of “what is,” and emerge from the silence with a sense of balance and a desire to make right, conscious choices in our lives. In this way, we begin to recognize our own undeniable role in creating the story of our lives and begin to align ourselves with those choices that are the most nurturing for ourselves and everyone around us."

Though I REALLY like the sound of it, and I certainly believe it may be true for some people, I don't think I am quite so enlightened after just one day! I will say however, that when I emerged from the silence yesterday I DID have a desire to make right, conscious choices in my life. I'm still seeking the "balance" part!

I am a little nervous about today's meditation because I feel like I could continue to do yesterday's meditation for a month before I was ready to move on. Is it possible to "meditate too fast?" LOL

Here I go.......