School is in session

School is back in session and we have moved the kids to a different school this year. It was one of the most difficult decisions to make, but I am glad we chose to. Max is doing so well, better than he has done before. Unfortunately I cannot say the same for my number two boy. He has never liked school and it was a HUGE struggle at the end of last year to get him to class every day. He was absolutely miserable. Well he is just as miserable, only older and acting out more. Thankfully this school is dealing with it phenomenally and his teacher and two of the school aides are away today and tomorrow in training specifically to deal with him. UNFORTUNATELY they have asked us to keep him home the next two days because the sub teacher simply cannot deal with him. I am at a complete loss. I have no idea what to do. I don’t know why he is acting out – and since I have no idea the origin of his loathing of school I feel helpless in finding a solution. All I know is that it is hard. Hard on him, hard on us, hard on the teacher and the aides in the classroom. I hope we find a solution soon or its going to be a LONG year.

Riding lessons

Recently in our small community an opportunity has presented itself for us to get riding lessons for the boys. They have ridden horses before with friends, but never taken any kind of formal lessons. In a small community options for recreation are limited (unless we participate in hockey - which we currently don't). We were thrilled with the chance and signed them up immediately. True to form, our eldest is not interested at all in getting onto the horse, but he was willing to go into the arena and LEAD the horse (or "drive it" as he says). Our thrill seeking younger son was excited to go and at the end of his first lesson his only complaint was that he didn't get to go faster! He has had two lessons, and we have signed up for more. My hope is that the eldest will decide at some point he wants to participate but in the meantime we will let him "drive", and that's ok!

Letter to Max 6yrs 7 months

Dear Max,

 

Gosh it has been so long since I wrote you a letter, I have fallen down on the job.

After this weekend I knew I needed to sit down and write to you. You are growing so fast it is ridiculous! We sat down this week and compared the size of our feet. Mom's friend suggested that maybe mom has small feet but I don't! Your feet are HUGE! We have to buy you ANOTHER pair of indoor shoes for school already. I'm pretty sure you will be the tallest person in our family, and I think it will happen soon.

 

You are so kind, and so gentle, and so thoughtful it makes me proud to be your mom. You came into the room this morning and the first thing you said to me was "Happy Easter Mom." Mama Shel and I lay in bed listening to you play with the little ones. You are such a good big brother. I know we tell you this all the time but it is true! You always include the little ones when you play and you make games that everyone can join in on.

 

You love to cook and clean and work on projects and you have set up your own little office in the room upstairs with all your things.

 

Since the weather has FINALLY improved you have been outside riding your bike almost every day this past week. You already have a five speed bike! You love to ride and you have even gone outside ALONE to ride. This is so amazing to me because for so long you would not do anything without having either Mama Shel or I in your sight. I think you were four years old before you ever went around the house out of our sight even when we were outside with you!

 

I can't say enough how much your mom and I are proud of you.

 

Did you know that there were people in this world who tried to tell me and Mama Shel all the things you could never do? They told us you may never ride a bike. They told us you may never learn to read or to write. Even this year at the beginning of grade one they told us that you would only learn "living" skills - like dressing yourself - and not things like spelling or math. Boy, have you shown them! You are a funny kid though, you brought home a spelling test this week and didn't even show it to me or Mama Shel. You are still the same quiet, shy boy you have always been and don't like any attention drawn to yourself, even if it is hugs and kisses for doing so well on your spelling!

 

 

 

When I came to the school the other day I saw this letter you wrote about the Leprechauns and took a photo of it. I think it is a perfect example of how generous you are and how you think of others.

My baby boy, My Miracle Max. It is hard for me to see you grow so fast. I want to keep you small and protect you from all the hard things that are out there in the world. I want you to have a wonderful life full of success and it is hard for me to let you go, even in the small ways I have had to do already.

I love you my son, more than words will ever express. You will keep doing amazing things, you will keep showing the people who say "you can't" how wrong they are - no matter if it takes longer for you to get to your destination. Your mom and I will always be here, we will always love you. One day you may even decide you want to sleep in your own room and not on the floor in our room. I will be happy for you on that day. I will be happy for me and mama Shel because we will be able to get up in the night and not have to walk over you to get to the bathroom. I also know that on that day I will be a little sad that you have grown up even more, and I won't hear your breathing as you sleep so deeply. I love the sound of your breathing, it makes me happy to know you are close.

Rest your head, close to my heart, never to part, Baby of mine.

Mama Ju

hot days

Other people, in other places on hot days do things like swim, play in sprinklers, drink iced tea or lemonade, or sit and swing in the shade.
When it is hot where we live, the boys decide it is a perfect time to paint their toy boxes (translation: paint one another).As the obliging parents we are, the toy boxes get dragged outside and the painting begins.
We start with Maxies because he chose the color green. This WAS meant to be the paint for his bedroom, but I have a feeling once we are done with the toy box there will not be enough paint left for the bedroom renovation. When I say "we" I mean the boys. Momma Shel and I are not invited to this painting party as anything other than observers.

 
 

Max doesn't know how he "accidentally" painted CJ's head. 

Oh, did I not mention we paint naked? It IS hot don't cha know?

Maxies favorite song

Shel and I had to go this morning to the school for the final meeting with the teacher for the year.


They put together this neat little booklet that had things like Max's handprint, a note to Max from all the teachers and Aides, and some photos.

Each kid wrote their name and filled out a little blurb about what their favorite color was, who their friends were, what they wanted to be whn they grew up, favorite song, etc.

I looked through the book and had to laugh.

All the kids put as favorite song things like, "itsy bitsy spider, an elmo song, the alphabet song - Maxies was...... " I like to move it move it!"

That kid makes me laugh.

Four stitches before breakfast!

wordless wednesday

What to do with a five year old?

Oh, we are having a devil of a time trying to decide what we should do with Max this year for school.
He is growing up SO fast. For the past two years he has been a part of an "early intervention" type program run through the elementary school that has done him WONDERS.

His birthday is in September and he will turn 5.

When he started the program at age three he was just out of surgery , having been deaf until that point in his life. He was not speaking any words at all. In the initial speech assessment the speech therapist was setting goals with us and said for us not to set our hopes too high, and that if he managed by the end of the school year to have between three and five words that would be a success through their program.
Well, by the end of the year he was saying over 100 words! He is truly our "Miracle Max".
He went to that program again a second year and improved again in many areas. He can spell his name, he can count (just about) to ten - but he keeps leaving out number "7". He talks and never stops.

BUT.... 1) his speech is very difficult to understand and in MANY cases you must know the context in which he is talking or you simply have no idea what words he is saying.
2)He is not toilet trained - and contrary to popular belief this has very little to do with our parenting (though many try to tell us it is our fault at this point that he is not trained). He has NO idea when his body is "excreting". So we can have him on a schedule and go every hour and he will go when we take him, but if you even ask him if he has pooped he can't tell you if he has or not.
3) IF he goes to school this year in the way that was proposed to us by the teacher in our last meeting he would go in the morning to the same program he has been in twice already which will make it his third year there. Then he would stay and go to kindergarten in the afternoon. That means that NEXT year when he goes to kindergarten full time he will go from every day school to twice a week school. This is my biggest problem with the whole plan. It will be a huge step backwards for him next year to go back to school twice a week. For all intents and purposes, by next year he will have three years under his belt. I just can't see him doing well in that change. AI AI AI AI AI.

ANYWAY.

I think he should be in kindergarten this year. Shel thinks maybe not? She thinks, and I do agree, that being older is not bad for boys to be starting out school.

Man oh man.

I wont even go into my dilemma about putting him on the bus!

let's run

"Come with me, I need to run to town quickly" I said to Max. He looked at me and responded; "Run with our legs? I will be too tired!"

We didn't run with our legs, but the day has been tiring just the same.

We rented a truck so we could take as much stuff possible to the dump in one run (which has turned into two...) but we have been going like mad since first thing this morning. A lot of the stuff we neede to take to the dump has been stuff that was left here by the people that lived here before us - or stuff that no longer works (like our dryer). We managed to get to the dump two dryers, two mattresses, couches, loveseats, and other HEAVY things! I wish I was a strong as the days I loaded trucks for UPS. I could have used some of that energy today.

The dryer we ordered a month ago arrived in town at Sears for us to pick up and I absolutely wanted it this weekend rather than next week so we had to go and pick that up before the outlet closed at one pm.

We had some friends who picked up the fridge (which we have been without now for over a year) and brought it to us because I am too cheap to pay the 70 dollar delivery charge that The Brick wanted to drop it off for us.

We mowed the lawn, we pruned some trees, we cleaned out the playhouse - (well it has never been a playhouse, but it will be after this weekend!)

To get the fridge into the house we had to unpack it on the front step and remove the front door and the jamb.  We got it into the living room but once it was there we realized that the door from the living room into the hallway is smaller than the front door. This house can be SOOO frustrating. Not one thing in the whole place is built to any kind of standard. I never even thought to check the interior door widths, I knew I needed to check the front door because we couldn't get the old fridge out, but I didn't think beyond measuring the width of the front door. For now we have a fridge in the living room and it will have to do for the immediate future. We did so much today and I was shattered by the time we got the front door back on, and I was simply not prepared to start figuring out how to remove fridge doors to try and fit it through the hallway.

In the meantime on one of the trips to the dump as we came back through town Shel stopped and bought a bunch of stuff that needed to be refrigerated because she was so darn excited by the thought of having a fridge in the house after a year without one. (We have had a bar fridge but that's all). We had stuff on the counters in the kitchen that needed to be put away and I was ready to call it a night. For now the fridge is plugged in - in the living room  - and we will make do with this crazy house for a few more days.

Brotherly Love

The boys are 27 months apart. They sometimes, but not always, play well together.

Cael is going to be three this summer and he is asserting more and more independence (much to my chagrin).
He is more adventurous than his older brother, but less destructive.

It USED to be that Max would never go anywhere and so we always knew exactly what he was up to because he was within a few feet of us always. He took things apart, for sure, but we were always fairly aware of exactly what was being stripped to pieces.

Then along came Cael. The kid is a wanderer. He is more social and more confident than Max, but less destructive. Unfortunately he will go anywhere and now that Max has a partner in crime, Cael leads, Max follows and destroys!

Cael will go outside alone. Max will not.
Cael will play alone. Max will not.

More recently Cael has wanted to be the boss of himself and this has not gone over well with Max - who likes to be in charge of EVERYTHING. Max wants Cael to go with him, but then wants to boss him around and life has become a little more complex between them.

The other morning they were on the back porch. I thought they were there getting boots on to go outside in and thought nothing of it. They were getting along, and I have come to cherish these moments when one (or both) of them are not screaming for mothers intervention.

The next thing Cael walks into the kitchen and with arms raised says "TA DA!" - which is what he says when he has something to show off.

It took me a moment to see what it was that he was showing off...

Max has climbed into the top of the bathroom cupboard and got the electric clippers and opened Salon Maxie.

Cael was not the only one sporting a new "doo"...

The third member of the little trouble trio - Hugo - also got a haircut.

 

My boys growing up

It is so hard for me to see my boys growing. They are SO big now. This year they will be THREE and FIVE already.

I love each phase of their lives and I love the phase we are entering, but I have this ache in my arms where not even three years ago I held my 4 pound baby boy just home from the hospital.

Last night my baby got a toddler bed. I took down the crib and took it out of the house. We have had a crib in our house for over five years now, so this is the first time we have been "crib-less" in a long, long time.
Max the ever helpful son was there with me as I took the crib apart, he helped me to carry it downstairs and he was all kinds of eager to carry the toddler bed box up to the room. He was moving a little fast for me so I said to him " Max, Can I  get a drink of water before we take that upstairs?" He replied," Yes, you can ABSOLUTELY get a drink of water!" I almost spit the water right out of my mouth. Where does he come up with these things?

After my drink, Max helped me to carry the bed box upstairs and put the bed  together. CJ was outside and not interested at all in being lured inside. I am sure he thought it was a trick.

When he did finally see his bed, he was SOOO happy about it he asked if he could go to bed! We said it was no problem and we put him to bed. He got out and came into our room a few times but then he just went and climbed into bed and went to sleep. Shel and I looked at each other and we commented on how we just love him and his personality. Max NEVER went to bed and stayed there - he STILL doesn't go to bed and stay there. They are growing so fast I can't believe how the time is flying. It's hard to capture every moment the way we did when they were babies.

Leon

One of the things Max has to do this term for school is to bring home "Leon" for a week and write in the book for the class what he and Leon did.
Max took Leon with him to Edmonton and Leon stayed in the hotel with him. Shel made this photo montage with her phone!

Ridiculous!

My boys have never been good sleepers. EVER.
Max got up yesterday morning AT FIVE AM and came into our bedroom. I didn't even sit up, I just said to him, "MAX! This is Ridiculous!"
He replied, " It IS ridikoolus!"
He didn't go back to bed though.

a Cold Weekend and a Pizza Box

There is such a thing as a stupid question.....

Shel and I have spent a LOT of time educating ourselves on Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. We have been to conferences, read books, searched the internet and taken every opportunity that has ever presented itself to us to learn about FASD.
Both of our sons were exposed to alcohol prior to their births and both of them suffer permanent brain trauma as a result of this exposure. So we need to know.
We want to be able to parent our sons the best way for them and for us, and in a way that will enable them to be the most successful they can be in this world.
With that preface...
One of the things that we know about this kind of brain injury is that judgement is impaired.
Here are some other things we know already about our sons:
1. They need a lot of time to make decisions.
2. They act very impulsively without thought for any consequence to their actions.
3. They are often unable to reflect on how an action "caused" a result.
4. They have trouble planning ahead.
5. They get frustrated VERY easily when things are not exactly as they WANT them to be.

Last night we were laying in our bed watching television as is the before bed ritual in our house. Max said to me "I hope my DS is in my room", to which I responded "What will you do if it isn't?"

I thought this was a GREAT parenting moment in which I was trying to teach him to think ahead and make a plan in case what he wanted didn't turn out exactly as he had planned. As the words were coming out of my mouth I was congratulating myself in my head on the amazing job I had just done of seeing and using an opportunity to teach him something. I expected him to stall, or to take a minute to think about it - or - as he USUALLY does when I ask him questions like this - completely ignore me. Instead, without a moment's hesitation he turned and looked at me and said sarcastically.... " I won't play it then!"

DUH, MOM.

The Life I Planned verses the Life I Have

I was raised in a religious home. I attended a scripture study every day from Monday to Friday through my high school years. I served a mission in my early twenties for my church. For the past 15 years I have not actively participated in any organized religion at all, but I have remained interested in spirituality.
In my studies I have spent some time reading about Buddhism. One of the four noble truths of Buddhism is that "the cause of suffering can be ended".

The third noble truth is that the cause of suffering can be ended. Our struggle to survive, our effort to prove ourselves and solidify our relationships is unnecessary. We, and the world, can get along quite comfortably without all our unnecessary posturing. We could just be a simple, direct and straight-forward person. We could form a simple relationship with our world, our children, our spouse and friends. We do this by abandoning our expectations about how we think things should be.

I want to end suffering in my life. I am trying to implement this noble truth into my life and when I have been able to do so successfully I have seen that the principle works for me. Unfortunately I have a LONG way to go when applying the principle to parenting.

You see, although I always wanted to have children I didn't think in my lifetime it would happen. After coming out, my partner and I tried unsuccessfully to hear children. (HA! Freudian slip! I meant "HAVE" children, I am spending a lot of time now trying not to HEAR children!) We thought we would adopt, but the cost was prohibitive. We have now have successfully adopted through the foster care system and are the parents of two amazing boys. I have a lot of "expectations" about how my parenting will be - and it is not turning out that way AT ALL. As a result I am experiencing much sorrow and frustration, because I have not yet been able to abandon my expectations and accept things as they are.

For example...

I always wanted to have a child's room that was decorated beautifully. We had a theme, we had colours picked out. We had pictures for the wall and linens for the bed and we were excited to bring home our baby and put him in his room. Well, it didn't turn out that way at all. One of the challenges facing my son is sensory integration. He is overwhelmed by stimulus, particularly visual stimulus. When there is too much for his brain to "process" he cannot deal with his surroundings. His room was not a place where he wanted to be and where he could relax, but a place where he was so "over" stimulated that he literally had "fits" until the pictures came off the wall and everything came out of his room except his bed. We have managed to put a dresser and a night table back into his room but I think they are still too much for him.

And now my most recent disappointment:
Christmas.
In my ideal world we would put up the tree the first day of December. We would make cookies and sing carols, and do crafts. We would have nativities set up. We would have advents.
In reality - Christmas is too much.
When Max was two, and old enough to open presents, it took two days to get to everything under the tree. Not because there was much there, but because it was simply overwhelming.
Last year we found unopened presents at the back of the tree when we took it down - again too overwhelming.
We got the tree out to put it up on Sunday. We put it up and started to string the lights and Max started in. He is ADDICTED to lights. He has taken one string already and moved them three or four times.
I think I said "stop touching the lights" half a million times in the first ten minutes and then I was getting more and more frustrated until I actually said if he touched the lights one more time I was going to pick up the tree and throw it out the front door.
Don't ever say something if you don't mean it. He hasn't stopped touching the lights and I haven't thrown the tree out the front door.
We have a garland of red beads that look like they are cranberries. They are one of my favorite decorations. Max tied them around himself and CJ and they used them as a tug of war - which only resulted in the string breaking and beads going everywhere all over the living room floor. I managed to pick them up and bag them - where they still sit today.
So the tree is up. One string of lights is almost on. One string of lights is........hmn. I don't actually know where. And we are no closer to finishing the tree than when we pulled it out of the quonset.
On Sunday night I was so frustrated with the whole process I threw the boys in the tub, put them in pajamas and we all went to bed.
The problem is my expectations, but how do I change them? Max is THRILLED it is Christmas, more than he ever has been before, but it is still too overwhelming for him. I don't know how to adjust.

The Reindeer Hokey Pokey

Today was the Christmas Concert because it was cancelled yesterday. Maxies class did the reindeer hokey pokey. The curtains opened and he froze! He has such stage fright. He recovered for the last ten seconds with the help of his aide (whom we LOVE).

I managed to get ten seconds on tape......
My boy is the one on the far left.

Conversation with Max

Max has been really weird with his food lately (again or still?) He doesn't like potatoes all of a sudden - when that's the thing he loved the most (in the past). Shel made mashed potatoes for the boys the night before last and he told her he didn't like them. Then tonight he asked for them!
This is the conversation he had with Shel a few minutes ago...


Max just asked for mashed potatoes next time I make them. (mix them up, mommy)


Shel explained that since we didn't have a mixer, she can't make them the same way.

Why we don have one?

Well, you took it out and mixed the mud and then washed it.

Yeah, I plugged it in too!

When I do that, we need to buy new one, Mommy!

Surgery again

This time last year we were just finished with Maxies surgery to put tubes in his ears and have his adenoids removed. A year has made an incredible difference in his hearing and in his speech. Then this summer he started to get ear infections it seemed on a weekly basis. We finally got a referral back to the specialist and Shel took him in today. First of all the appointment was ridiculous.
He was scheduled and on time for the scheduled appointment. Then Shel had to wait with him and Ceejer in the waiting room for TWO AND A HALF HOURS. I do understand that doctors get behind, but to have two small children in a waiting room for that long is outrageous - especially when they have an appointment time and they were there for it! Let's not add that it takes over an hour and a half drive time just to GET to the appointment in the first place.
Poor Shel. I feel ridiculously bad that she had to do it herself. It is difficult to do with two people, let alone one person.
I know that some people reading this might think two kids are easy to handle, but let me assure, you, two kids with FASD .... total other ballpark.
After waiting for an inordinate amount of time, the doc saw Maxie and made his prediction. Another surgery.
His adenoids have regrown (last time he had them out they were the size of plums) and he needs tubes back in his ears. They are booking for November, so we will wait and get a call from the hospital for the surgery.
I know he needs it, and it will surely help his breathing and his ear infections, but surgery again is a nightmare. He does not react well to the anesthesia and coming out of anesthesia is beyond words. Last year he was still "little" enough to hold, but he is a big boy - a four year old wearing sized six and seven clothing. 
And November - winter will have arrived, so it is a trip in the winter. In November I am still going to classes and November is my sister's wedding in Utah which I have booked a flight for already. Another pretty busy month.
My poor boy - apparently these adenoids can keep growing back and back and back. Nice!

My, what big feet you have!

I think I just mentioned he turned four. FOUR.

Dang kid. Where'd he get such big feet?

( I got him a new coat today - he is now is size 6/7!)