Wednesday, April 8, 2020

She walked away

I signed up for a writing class which started this week. Each week we are given some prompts to write about. I want to write. I love to write, but I have been struggling for years to write again.
I finally picked up a pen and paper and did it tonight.
I'm really stepping out of my comfort zone here. I can do this!

Here is what I came up with for assignment one.

At age 21 I worked overnight in a bakery. She would call me at 3 am to talk to me while I was on break. After work I would drive my mom's minivan to her apartment to hang out with her while she got ready for her day. I looked forward to talking to her nightly, and to seeing her every day.

in the morning she would invite me into the bathroom to talk to her, then one day undressed in front of me and climbed into the shower. I'd never seen a woman naked. I was equal parts captivated and scared. Why did I feel the way that I did? Why did I crave her voice on the phone and the image of her body through the fog on the shower door.

After she left for the day I would lay in her bed and breathe deep the scent of her. And want. And want.

One morning she got the call that she was being transferred to another area. We knew it was going to happen at some point but I wasn't prepared when the call came.

I stood in the kitchen as everything was carried up the stairs and into the van. The lump in my throat made it impossible to talk. The driver was waiting for her in the car. We stood looking at each other for a moment, my eyes full of tears, my heart broken. Stepping towards me she took my face in her hands and bending forward pressed her lips against mine.

I'd never been kissed before by a woman. Never felt the feelings exploding in my body and in my brain. In that instant my entire world changed.

She dropped her hands from my face, turned, and walked away.

Sunday, April 5, 2020

Trying to find a new normal

It's April 5.
There are now 1075 cases of confirmed Covid-19 in Alberta.
One of the deaths in Alberta was a woman in her 20's. That really worries me because I have COPD and if I get sick it can get bad really quickly. This virus is not just affecting the elderly.
It's the end of the second week since school was cancelled and I have been working at home.
I'm finding it really difficult to get into a routine with the boys home and having to work my same hours.
I feel like all I am doing is working and cleaning up after C.
The furnace is somewhat fixed - at least we don't have to have space heaters to heat the house. That is one less thing for me to worry about.
It's crazy how this whole thing is really affecting peoples mental health. We are so lucky to be able to connect with social media. I can't imagine what this whole thing would be like if we weren't able to connect at all.
I had such a clear plan of how this was going to look and it doesn't resemble that plan at all. Time for me to rethink what this "new normal" is going to look like.

Wednesday, April 1, 2020

Upside Down - not pineapple cake

The whole world is upside down. The price of a barrel of oil has absolutely tanked. Schools are cancelled and the Education Minister in Alberta fired 20 000 Educational support staff - then the Premier of Alberta defended her decision and blamed it on the chief medical officer. He is a complete and total idiot. (The chief medical officer Dr. Hinshaw has been doing a PHENOMENAL job of dealing with this crisis in the province.)
I am lucky to be working from home, still making an income and able to be with the kids since there is no school. I feel like I should be more grateful but I am crazy stressed. Each day is a roller coaster emotional ride.
The furnace went out. We have been trying to heat the house with space heaters until the furnace can be fixed, but we can only have three space heaters going or the breakers trip. It has been storming, snowing and blowing, and we are snowed in. I have food and no reason to leave the house, but not being able to leave has a different feeling than being able to leave and choosing not to.
I have internet. I am able to be in contact with friends and family. I am able to get my work completed every day.
My list of things that I want to accomplish in the house is getting longer and longer. I feel like I am falling further and further behind.
I just feel completely disorganized and detached.

Sunday, March 29, 2020

Self Isolation and Covid-19

Coronavirus. Covid-19.
I'm fairly certain that 3 months ago Covid 19 was something I had "vaguely" heard of.  Now it the center of my life, and the lives of everyone in the world. I wanted to start journaling what life is like through this whole thing, but I'm not so sure it will be very interesting. 
By the time this is posted everyone in the world will know about it - probably more than we know right now. 
Today is March 29. There are 6,243 cases in Canada and 661 cases in Alberta. Currently in Peace River there are 8 cases - those are the cases closest to us. 
On March 15 in Alberta all of the schools were cancelled. It was also the day I started to work from home. I have my laptop and my phone from work and I am completing all of my meetings via phone and zoom conference. When I got the news that I was to work from home I was super excited. I thought for sure my home was going to be spotless and I was going to have delicious home cooked meals every night.  Number 2 son - whom I will refer to from this point on as "Hurricane" has thwarted my designs on being a domestic goddess throughout this self isolation thing. 
It is crazy hard to have a work schedule and a home schedule when I'm home all day. I am on call all the time so even when my work hours are officially "over" I feel as though I am never off the clock. It was a lot easier to do when I was in the office and would physically walk away from work, even though I was still on call. 
My plans for a spotless house are not even CLOSE to fruition. I gave up on that plan and decided to make a list of projects I would like to accomplish while I am working from home.  I thought I would work on doing one thing a day so that I would still feel like I was getting somewhere, but even that has not been successful so far. Then yesterday the blower motor on my furnace died. It was -28 degrees C yesterday. I have space heaters in the hallway, the bedroom, and the living room. Unfortunately the space heaters keep tripping the breakers. Ugh. It's all a huge mess. 
I called the heating guys in Fairview yesterday and they sent out a motor. Ben came to put in it but it is the wrong size. It has been storming here for a few days already and the snow is not scheduled to stop anytime soon. 
I have a full day of work tomorrow but I also need to get the furnace fixed. Negotiating all of this is a struggle - and doing it alone makes it harder. 

Sunday, March 8, 2020

Collapsing Stars

Carl Sagan said " The nitrogen in our DNA, the calcium in our teeth, the iron in our blood, was made from the interior of collapsing stars. We are made of star stuff."
The first time I read this I felt as though it meant I was part of something infinite - which is motivational when infinity is a happy place. I believed that it meant I am a part of something that existed before and will continue to exist after I am no longer here. I felt a connection to the universe in an elemental way and the connection felt good.
Right now I am equally convinced I am made from collapsing stars, but not in the way I first interpreted Sagan. 
Collapsing stars are black holes. The infinity of this moment is exquisitely painful - as I would imagine the gravitational force of a cosmic implosion and the creation of a black hole would be. The absence of light, complete destruction. 
My pain feels as old as the stars and as expansive.  It's not a tap root that I can pluck out of my soul. It is Pando, the trembling giant. The largest single living organism, 80 thousand years old and 6 million kg. Heavy, alive and growing. The only connection I feel in this infinite moment is the connection to greater and deeper root system of pain. This infinity is lonely, and dark, and burning cold. What I think I know about black hole's is that nothing that we suspect has gone in has ever come out - at least as we know it in this dimension. It is theorized that black holes in our universe are the beginnings of universes elsewhere. If this infinite moment ends I won't exist anymore - not as I have existed before. Is that creation then?

Saturday, July 7, 2018

Someone turns ten

Today is the tenth birthday of my little guy. For a while we convinced him he had outgrown presents, then we convinced him he had only one. I thought it was funny - he did not! 

He wanted wonder woman waffles for breakfast and so that's what he got,. Next on the agenda was swimming at the multiplex. He had a great day - and got to wear his new orange dirt biking gear! 

Friday, July 6, 2018

Three Beautiful Things

1. Artwork from my youngest. Our cat "Orange".

2. More artwork . Zombie cat. Also Orange.
I'm sensing a theme here.

3. The artist himself. Strangely not in his favorite color. I'll let you guess what it is.