finally beginning

I've done it. I have taken some time off from work to get working on my thesis.
Why am I dreading this?

Kids and technology

There's been a lot in the news and in conversations I've heard lately about kids and technology, more specifically about kids and cell phones. A friend of mine made the comment on facebook "I know several people who couldn't raise their kids without technology!"

I got the information above from a verizon website and I thought it was interesting.

On Monday Maxies school bus broke down before it got to our house. We went to look for it after calling the neighbours and finding out their daughter had been picked up already and we found them down the road. The wind was howling, the temperature was around -26 degrees C and the kids were getting cold waiting for a replacement bus. I offered to the bus driver to let the kids come sit in the van and warm up. She asked them if they wanted to and they all did. They climbed in and I turned the heat on high. Out of the 5 kids that came into the van (all younger than high school) 2 of them were texting the whole time and 2 other playing with an i-pod. (they were all polite and very happy to be warm) but it got me thinking about how we use technology in our home.

We have 2 televisions in the house and both have PVR. I like to watch television without commercials and it is nice to be able to record television shows without having to keep track of video tapes. The boys have NEVER been good "sit down and watch a tv show" kind of kid but now they like Scooby Doo, Inspector Gadget and most recently Max asked to watch the Magic School Bus. CJ will pay more attention to the television but unfortunately (for me) neither of them will just sit down and watch something from beginning to end and so I end up watching most of the kids shows that we put on the t.v.

The last time we were in the hospital at outpatients ( I feel as though we go once a month) they had us in a small waiting room with a television and CJ was quite disgusted that I could not fast forward through the commercials. He thinks every television has a PVR!
Shel went with Max on a class trip to the firestation and something about Star Wars was mentioned. She said all the kindergarten kids (but ours) knew who the Star Wars characters were. She felt a bit guilty about that so she stopped at the video store and rented some movies. As it turned out the boys were not interested in them at all and we just ended up paying late fees on the one we left in the dvd player when I returned them!

Shel and I BOTH have i-phones. We both have games downloaded for the boys to play and both boys know how to use the phones. The other morning I noticed that CJ had used my phone to take a picture of his poop. When I went to delete the photo I found that he had not only taken one picture, but SIXTEEN pictures of his poop. What can I say, he's proud.

We have used the phones to let the boys watch movies on netflix when we drove to Edmonton and we have used them to occupy the boys while we waited for appointments. Max knows how to find netflix, find a movie he wants and play it. Sure there was a time when kids waiting for appointments had magazines and toys to play with (in doctors offices) but for the most part those things don't exist anymore, and to be honest I would rather my kids  played with my phone than with the toys other sick kids had played with.

CJ (who is 3) knows how to go to youtube and look in the history for the motocross videos he likes and play them.

Could I raise my kids without technology? I'm sure I could, but why? I think I need to teach them MORE though, because right now they know enough to be dangerous. This morning CJ deleted a game I have been playing on my phone for a few months. DANG that kid! It made me think of what I can live without. I won't add that game again ... and I'll have time to find others!

Snow Day

I got called into work this morning early. There was a power outage and temperatures dropping in the dorms.
The generators are now working. The heat is on. I am headed home to join my dog in his socks!

Wordless Wednesday

My very first blog post - from May 2006

Here is the very first thing I ever blogged.

My "Old" blog can be found HERE. I am seriously thinking I need to combine the two spaces but for now I have no idea how to do it and so things will remain as they are....


So Oprah was interviewed by Anne Curry last week and one of the things they were talking about was prayer. Anne asked Oprah if she prays and she said this.


"I live in the space where God is. There is no question that that is why I am where I am, and why I have had the success I have had. I allow myself to be guided by that which is greater than myself – than my personality. That’s the truth. I am doing the work that my soul came to do."

So this made me think about a couple of things.

1. What do I believe about God?

2. Do I pray?

3. Where is the "space where God is"?

4. Am I doing the work that "my soul" was meant to do? (Geez I hope not)

5. Do I even believe that "my soul" has work to do?


But the most bizarre thing of all was the dream I had. I swear I was dreaming about good and evil and which place was I in. Angelo was in my dream - probably because I just got an email from him. But this ‘thing" touched my shoulder and asked me to look at Angelo and see what space he was in. So I look at him and he is "melting". His eyeballs are all mushy and sinking into his head and he looks like some Edvard Munch painting. Then the "thing" touched my shoulder again and told me to be afraid and I was GRIPPED with this crazy fear that I never experience when I am awake but I experience it quite often when I am sleeping. It is the most terrifying feeling. ANYWAY. I woke myself up, but when I went back to sleep I dreamt again about which "place" I was in and was told to walk away from the darkness. Whatever that means!

Some recent random thoughts to start off the week

I'm actually not officially Blogging this week because I am spending some time going to all the blogs I love to read (but haven't lately) to catch up. Instead of blogging here daily I have set up some "pre-written" blogs to be posted automatically. Such technology!

Here are some random thoughts that sometime ago began as a Thursday 13 but never got that far:


1. I wish the aisles in Walmart were as wide and clear from obstruction in real life as they appear on Walmart commercials.

2. Since when does vegetable soup need to be advertised as "vegetarian vegetable"? Shouldn't vegetable soup "BE" vegetarian?

3. I think vehicle headlights that are LED are dangerous to oncoming traffic.

4. Orange is not a Christmas colour to me but it is impossible to find strings of multicolor Christmas lights that don't include orange bulbs.

5. I have loved reading for as long as I have memory. I wish I could be certain book characters or be in the places books are set. One of the very first characters I ever wanted to be was "Heidi" from the book by Johanna Spyri, another was Mary Lennox from "The Secret Garden".

6.One of the first places in my life I thought I would like to visit was "The Faraway Tree" from books by Enid Blyton.

7. I wish I could take "time-outs" in my life like they have in sports. There are some instant replays of my life I would like to watch over again before making a decision on what play I was going to make.

8. I'm allergic to cats and I never thought I liked them until meeting my spouse. Since then I have loved a few and think they are cool pets. I am still allergic though.

9. I am also allergic to my great Dane Hugo, but I love him and cannot imagine my life without him. No, wait. I can imagine it. I would breathe easier.

10. Daylight savings time is a terrible idea and should be done away with. I have yet to experience one positive thing as a result of daylight savings.

11. Swimming and Chess should be a part of school curriculum.

12. UPS has really fancy television commercials about delivering packages worldwide where you see a dude in a brown uniform riding a bike in China and playing soccer with kids in India and in a boat in the Pacific but they don't deliver to my town in Northern Alberta which is a HUGE pain when trying to shop online. They should spend less on commericals that say they go worldwide and spend more on actually shipping worldwide.
13. It seems wrong somehow that people can save so much money in some places by cutting coupons, but in other places coupons aren't even available. If there is a way for companies to offer a savings on an item doesn't it seem like the saving should be automatic and for all people who want to buy the product?

In Flanders fields by John McRae

In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead.
Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Wake up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

Wordless Wednesday

I think I should have excused myself.

I had to go to a meeting this afternoon. I went a few minutes early and entered a room where a male and female were already waiting.

I know "who" these people are. I know they work for the same organization. I know at least one of them is married. I know they live in different cities. Beyond that I have no idea what their relationship is, how long they have known one another or the nature of their relationship.

So when I arrived they were adding one another to their contact list on their phones. Then the lady texted the guy, then they giggled. Then the guy took a photo of her which she did not want him to have apparently because she does not consider herself photogenic, but he said she could not be in his contacts unless he had a photo of her. Then he showed her the photo he took of her which she apparently approved of because she said he could keep it. Then they giggled again. Then she texted him again.... ad nauseum.

All of this is going on while I am sitting in the room and I had this stream of thought.
"This is awkward, do they even know I am in the room?"
"Oh dear, perhaps I should leave the room."
"Wow. Something strange is happening here."
And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. THEY WERE FLIRTING!

Can I just say it was such a surreal experience and I almost laughed out loud. I felt like I was a voyeur into this weird heterosexual ritual that is normally hidden from gay folk.

Flirting confuses me. Granted I am married and have been for the past 13+ years so there really has not been any reason for me to flirt in my life recently, but I don't think I EVER understood heterosexual flirting. I certainly didn't do it (that I know of) - and if any guy every flirted with me I don't think I knew he was doing it. Having this experience this afternoon made me realize how strange relationships between men and women are and how different my relationship is with men from the relationships straight women have with men. for the record I have also spend some time with the man who was in the room and not at any point did he take a photo of me, ask to have me in his contact list, OR GIGGLE with me. That would have been downright bizarre. I also think it was weird knowing he was married because they were absolutely flirting. Is that a common thing for married men and women?

This is one strange world we live in people. One strange world.

How much denial am I in?

Since the adoptions were finalized last year we have had virtually NO contact with the foster care system. Our house was automatically put on hold for fostering as it is with all families who adopt. When the six months "freeze" was over I tried to contact the foster care worker to get our home open again and basically that went no-where. Then they were in need of an emergency placement so they called us and needed to open the house "IMMEDIATELY" so in the space of three or four days we were running around like chickens with our heads chopped off but apparently they placed those kids elsewhere because the communication all of a sudden completely died off again and we haven't heard from them since - haven't even heard if our home is open or not again...

I digress.

In the year or so it has been since we have had social services involved with our family it has been an amazing thing. We have just "lived" without anyone looking over our shoulder, and it has been wonderful! I didn't realize how wonderful until the foster worker was back in our home to being the paperwork for reopening our home and she was taking notes on everything we said.

Yup. That again. I guess we had become accustomed to having everything we said - in person or on the phone - being written down and filed and I just forgot what an annoyance it is.

This time as our worker was asking us how the boys were doing and taking notes I thought to myself "HEY THERE! These boys are OURS now and there is no reason for you to be documenting every single thing that I say about their progress because now it is none of your business!" I mean sure, ask me how they are doing if you care to know, but there is no reason to be taking notes on their progress and filing those notes away somewhere. We are DONE with that process for these boys - and it was not an easy process by ANY stretch of the imagination.

So here is where I wonder if I am in denial or not: The foster care worked always asks how Max is doing and I always reply - "Max is doing as well as Max can do." She follows up this comment EVERY time by saying that soon Max with reach his "thresh hold" of intellectual ability and that we must be prepared for him to continue through his life at the mental ability of a 5 or 6 or 7 year old. I know she is trying to be supportive (in her way) but part of me wants to tell her to shut up already.

In the back of my mind I have believed this and in a way I think I have been making allowances for him because I believe he "cannot" do certain things and it is just because of the circumstances of his prenatal exposure to drugs and alcohol. It's a tightrope walk for me though. I wonder if my BELIEF that he will stop progressing actually limits his progression. Then when I think - no - he will keep developing over his lifespan I wonder if I am deluding myself and setting myself up for disappointment.

One of the things we do know is that he struggles with communication. He has the ideas but somehow accessing them and then getting them out is hard. In spite of that I am constantly amazed by the things he does. He has a great memory but it has to be "triggered". For instance, the other day we were parked on main street to pick up the mail. An ambulance drove by with the siren on. He asked if I remembered when mom went in the ambulance because her nose was bleeding. That was over a year ago. I was pretty impressed by his recollection and we had quite a talk about it.

Today I had to take him to a doctors appointment. After the appointment we were sitting in the truck eating lunch together and a boy walked by and waved. I asked him if he knew the boy and he said he didn't, it was just a nice boy who waved, but did I know that the shoes he was wearing meant he was a skateboarder?

Just these little things that he comes up with give me hope that he will continue to grow and learn. I just hope I can balance my realistic expectations with my hope - and not sell him short one way or another.

Gratitude month

On facebook some of my friends have started a "gratitude month" post where each day they post something they are grateful for.
I like the idea so I joined in even though I don't know where it started. (It may be a Mormon thing since everyone I know who is doing it is Mormon?)
It's still a good idea!
I used to keep a gratitude journal many years ago and I have fun looking back at the things I was grateful for. I am grateful for a lot of the same things now.
What are you grateful for?
Here are some of mine:
I'm grateful for warm days even though it is November already.
I'm grateful for my sons who grow more each day and who make me smile each day.
I'm grateful for my mother who always inspires me.
I'm grateful I was able to put up Christmas lights because of the joy they bring to my oldest son.
I'm grateful for friends who provide us with last minute halloween costumes!
I'm grateful for my spouse who sits with me in the emergency room ALL DAY LONG to make sure I get the care I need.
I'm grateful for the balloons which my mom and sister sent in my birthday package. We have played and played and PLAYED with those balloons for three days now. My lips hurt!

Hoping for a productive day

We have really been blessed with wonderful weather for this time of year. Yesterday morning it was -15 but there was no wind which still made for a pretty nice day. On Thursday the winds were whistling at around 60 km an hour. It was only -4 but with the wildchill it was MUCH MUCH colder.

When Max and I went to meet the bus we were so cold we climbed into the ditch and crouched down to get out of the wind. I haven't found my winter coat yet and the wind just blew right through me. Unfortunately that ditch will fill with snow before long and will no longer be a place to get out of the blowing morning chill. I wish we had a place to build some kind of small shelter in the driveway where we could wait out of the wind on bitter days but unfortunately there is no such spot. On either side of the driveway the ground gives way immediately to the ditch and so there is no flat spot to put anything.

It is also the place where CJ likes to hide while he waits for Max to get home!
Today the temperature is supposed to reach as high as 1 degree which will be FANTASTIC as there are some things in the yard and house we need to do before the cold sets in for good. If it does actually get that warm I may even bust out the chainsaw and get rid of some deadwood before the snow flies. I guess the real proof of how warm it is will be how much we get done. I'll post photos Monday.

What's your number?

Recently the population of the earth exceeded 7 billion.

There is a cool page on BBC that you can link to here to find out some stats on yourself and the country in which you live.

When I was born, I was the:


3,793,054,066th  person alive on Earth and the 77,990,203,579th to ever be born.

Interesting isn't it?
 

You can get more information on the page about the country in which you live. I entered Zimbabwe because although I don't live there now, it is where I am from.
I thought it was interesting that the life expectancy of women in Zimbabwe is 45.5 years. Thankfully I no longer live there, but reside in Canada where my life expectancy is almost double.

Thursday Thirteen: Thirteen things I hate about my dental experience

1. The x-ray plastic pieces cut my mouth.
2. The dentist gloves taste nasty.
3. The freezing gel put on the inside of my cheek burns my tongue.
4. The squeezing and shaking of my cheek while putting the needle is does not take away the pain of the needle.
5. The bite blocker forces my mouth open wider than my jaw naturally allows.
6. My lips crack and bleed under the dental dam.
7. I have to concentrate the whole time on not gagging because my mouth is so wide open.
8. I HATE getting a filling on a tooth that will need a root canal in less than a year. I think it is a money grab and a way to make more from the insurance company and keeps me coming back to an experience I dread.
9. There are four posters on the ceiling and they were the same posters five years ago.
10. The freezing never completely takes away the pain of the dental work.
11. My fingers hurt at the end of two hours from clenching my hands so long.
12. I didn't get to rinse out my mouth after the whole thing was done.
13. I hate that I have to go through this whole process FIVE MORE TIMES in the next three months.

Wordless Wednesday

Nablopomo

Today is the first day of National Blog Posting Month.

I have lofty goals of participating and posting something every day.

I will start out the month with a photo of my boys from Halloween yesterday. They had a ball. We just went to a few houses out in our neck of the woods and they loved every minute of it. Max wanted to come homke and start eating candy but CJ wanted to keep going. We experienced rain, sleet and snow but still persevered!

Max was bound and determined he was going to be a witch this year - right up until bed time on the 30th. Then he decided he was going to be a pirate. I could NOT come up with anything he wanted to wear but the Fenties bailed us out with costumes for both boys! Pirates are grumpy apparently - hence the grumpy face on Max.

Turning 40 today.

Today is my birthday. I am 40. ACK!!!!!!!

Typically I LOVE birthdays, they are among my top three favorite days of the year. I'm having a bit of difficulty with this one and things are popping up for me that I didn't anticipate.

This year (in February) my parents separated after 40 years of marriage. I have not posted anything on my blog or on facebook about it. Initially my parents asked us to please not post anything and I refrained from commenting to respect their wishes. I actually COULD write ad nauseum about how it has affected me, my siblings, my mom ... but I have refrained. Until today.

Today my dad is in Asia - somewhere. I think he is travelling but don't know for sure. I don't have a phone number for him. I don't have an address for him. I don't know where he is living. I could email him and he will respond to me as soon as he is able but sometimes that isn't for many days.

My dad won't remember that today is my birthday. My mom would usually remind him. He isn't great at sending letters or cards and never has been but ALL my life - until today - my parents would call first thing in the morning and wake me up to say happy birthday. It has been a tradition until this year.

I have actually had a pretty good day as far as days go. I have had an outpouring of love from friends, family and my kids. But my dad (wherever he is) doesn't know I turn 40 today.

Wordless Wednesday

A meme to jumpstart my blogging block

I took this from HERE


1. If you and your friends formed a biker gang, what would your name be?
Flyin' Purple People Eaters

2. Are you more of a talker or more of a listener?
I would say I am more of a talker.

3. What's your favorite sport?
Soccer. Football. English Premier League. Liverpool Football Club. Are there any other sports?

4. Would you rather be really hot or really cold?
Being cold is hell for me.

5. Who do you think should be the next president of the United States?
Hillary Clinton

6. Do you believe in fate?
I like the idea of fate. Don't know if I believe in it though.

7. Have you ever been fired? If so, why?
Nope

8. If you had the opportunity to live one year of your life over again, which year would you choose?
Probably 2002. Following the brain surgery of my spouse, I would do better because I know better.

9. If you won a $1,000 shopping spree for any store, which store would you pick?
If I were being practical I would choose the grocery store, but I would prefer a bookstore, maybe amazon.com or overstock.com

10. Who do you think should run for president of the United States?
Steven Colbert

11. If you were stranded on a desert island, which one person would you bring with you?
My spousal unit

12. Are you a morning or night person?
Absolutely a night person

13. If you had to cook dinner for someone tonight, what would you make?
Martha's Chicken and nuts
14. What do you think was the greatest invention in your lifetime?
The one I personally use - ereader.

15. What do you think is your most attractive feature?
My hands

16. Where's your favorite place to buy clothes?
Old Navy

17. What did you eat for breakfast today?
I don't eat breakfast because I am not a morning person and eating in the morning makes me sick.

18. What was your favorite year?
The END of last year when the adoptions were made final - not the beginning of the year when we were told we were not permitted to adopt!

19. What celebrity would play you in a movie about your life?
Rosie O Donnell or Steffi Graf.

20. If your house was on fire and you could only grab three things, what would they be?
I am assuming that my family and pets are safe... I would grab.... 1.Photoalbums. 2. African Art.  3. Journals.

21. How many countries have you traveled to?
Let's see.... 7, but I have been in airports in more.

22. If you could have the starring role in one movie what would it be?
I thought tomb raider but I would rather star opposite angelina jolie than replace her as the lead....
So I think I would like to be the lead in "Salt". I would love to be a spy :)

23.Would you rather be a zombie or a werewolf?
Werewolf

24. What's your favorite season of the year?
Summer

25. What's your favorite city?
Seattle

26. Star Trek or Star Wars?
I used to be all about Star wars but probably now more Star Trek. That's what happens when you marry a trekkie.

27. What websites do you spend the most time on?
Facebook. Netflix. Postsecret. Goodreads.

28. If you could go on a road trip with any person, dead or alive, who would it be and where would you go?
I'd go with my spouse and we would visit every province and state in Canada and the USA

29.What's your dream car?
I have always wanted a mini-cooper, but it would be asinine to have one where we live. So I have to say .... some kind of BIG truck with 4 wheel drive.

30. What was your favorite movie as a child?
The only movies I can remember from when I was a child are E.T. and Return from Witch Mountain.  I preferred E.T.

my autocorrected text conversation....

Me: Oh dear. Final days until I'm 40.
My spouse: Yep. Lol. Enjoy your salad days!!
Me: I do like salad

Don't put the Birkenstocks away yet please!

I'm holding out putting away my Birkenstocks. Somewhere in the back of my mind I believe that wearing my birks will delay the cold weather. So far it has worked out ok but this morning was a might cold on the tootsies as I ran with Max to meet the bus.

Yesterday we missed the school bus entirely. I knew we would and honestly didn't even care. I work until after midnight on Wednesdays and so getting up on Thursday morning is already a chore for me, but for some reason on Wednesday after I got home from work the boys woke up and they were up pretty much the rest of the night. I think silence finally fell in the house at about 4:30 and there was no way I was getting up at 6:30.
I think that's the second time this year we have missed the bus which is pretty good all things considering.

This morning as I was on the back porch putting coats and boots on CJ I happened to look up and see out the window the bus coming down the road. In the instant I saw it I thought we were late and so I yelled "RUN" to the boys and we headed out the back door at as fast a pace as could be managed considering I was carrying a backpack, a bagel for CJ, mitts, a touque and CJ!
We have to take a flashlight already. It is pitch dark and since we live in the boonies there are no streetlights on the road. Max had the flashlight and was running. I was running behind him and CJ was screaming he was being left behind so I was "kind of" carrying him. I dropped a mitten and when I turned to pick it up Hugo saw it and grabbed it and ran off like it was a great game of chase.
The bus saw us and waited but Max ended up not having mittens this morning. It turns out she was five minutes early which was a huge relief to me since I thought my timing was messed up and it really wasn't. Unfortunately I will have to suck it up now and set my alarm 15 minutes earlier since it is colder because dressing both boys to go out takes longer now that we have to dress more warmly.
I didn't notice in the hustle out to the road how cold I was, but on the walk back to house my toes protested the exposure. Turns out the temp this morning was -5, so I guess the protest was legitimate.
Oh how I hate wearing socks and shoes. I guess I have to add another five minutes to the alarm if I have to dress myself as well.
Winter, I hate you.

poop

I never conceived that body functions would be such an integral part of my daily life.

I knew that boys found body functions humorous and I AM the mother of two boys, so I expected that at some point the boys would find things like burping and farting funny. CJ in particular thinks noises made by his body are a thrill.
Don't get me wrong. We are making attempts to teach manners and to have the boys say "excuse me" when they do happen to pass gas. However, I had NO idea how captivating poop would be. Nope. No idea.

We have been working on toilet training for a while. With Max the going has been slow and he still needs reminders and has accidents. CJ has taken to using the toilet like a duck to water. He LOVES it. What he doesn't love is wearing pants. Going to the bathroom has become an excuse for him to remove his pants and underwear and go nekkid for as long as possible. If going to the toilet means he can remove his clothing then he is all over it.

Living out on the acreage has allowed some freedom in what I like to call "location of excretion". We have let the boys got to the bathroom outside because we figured at least they were going and they were developing an awareness of bodily demands. When the boys were foster kids we were MUCH more strict on where and when they would go to the bathroom and going outside was avoided. It's one thing to let your own kid urinate in your yard but we felt the province would frown on us letting foster children void anywhere they wanted!

For the most part this has worked out o.k., especially since we were able to train them that the back porch was NOT an acceptable location to urinate on. We have always tried to get them to poo inside (but admittedly haven't always been as successful as we would like to have been.)

Now they are both using the toilet most of the time. CJ in particular is very proud of his endeavours and whenever he uses the toilet he wants one, preferably both, of his parents to come and look and give him a high five before he flushes and washes.  We do. We have created a monster.

A proud pooping monster. He is extremely proud of his poop. He is VERY excited to show it to us. He comes into the living room, or kitchen, or bedroom and says "MOM! Come see! BIG BIG POOP!" Once we have witnessed the miraculous expulsion he then tells us he is going to "BIG BIG FLUSH".

Now all of a sudden his older brother is in on the action. Max, who initially did not want ANYONE looking at him or heaven forbid, asking him if he was using the toilet wants to share his poop with us also.  Yesterday he asked me if his poop was as big as CJ's poop.

Just what I wanted to be when I grew up, a comparative poop analyst.

I will just say this. After I went to the bathroom this morning I considered for one moment if it would be appropriate for me to call CJ in to check out my poop. He would have been impressed. I let the thought go and went for the big big flush.... this time.

Doors ... and then the water pump

We have been living in our house for a few years now. To be sure it is a bit small to be "ideal" for us - especially since the introduction of Great Dane Hugo to our household two years ago.
There are many, many things which need to be repaired and upgraded on the house and although it sometimes feels as though we are not moving forward on any of these projects we do sometimes make small improvements.

At the moment we are in desperate need of TWO new exterior doors.

Both doors are made from wood and neither is insulated. One problem with the house being as old as it is is the fact that nothing is "standard". The doors are not standard doors. In fact, the back door is so short, it is impossible to find a replacement by walking into a store or to a "used" lot to find a replacement.
The screws holding the door into the frame have become stripped and completely pulled out of the wall on the top hinge and the door "flops" around. in addition to the flopping problem, it is impossible to put any kind of weather stripping around the door to stop the wind, rain, and snow from coming in because the door simply does not fit the hole that was made for it.

The front door is a hollow wood door with a piece of glass in the middle. The glass has fallen down into the door and now there is a hollow door with a hole to the outside which I have covered with duct tape to prevent the majority of the air from coming in. If I sit on the couch in the corner by the front door the wind will literally blow my hair!

Every time it rains we have to pile towels at the base of the door to mop up all the water that pours in underneath. It has been our intention to replace the front door before winter and to try to at least fix the back door until we can come up with a more permanent solution at the back entrance.

We have been trying and trying to get someone to come and help us make repairs for months. Literally months. We live in such a small town it is impossible to find a contractor who is willing to work on a project so small. In the entrance to the grocery store, the drug store and in the town paper there are fliers advertising people who are willing to work on small house projects. We have called these people. One is booked "for months", one has not replied, one came out and apparently worked on the back door, but it is not fixed?!

I am getting desperate. I asked the maintenance man who works with me if there was anyway he could come out to the house, measure what we needed for the front door, come with me to buy a door and install it. I KNOW it will turn into a larger project than simply pulling the old door out and putting the new door in. I know it is beyond my capabilities.
He said he would help. He said he would measure and we put together a plan for him to come out this weekend. At the last minute on Friday he came to me with this:

It is a sheet of paper on which he would like me to measure and insert lengths to save him some time.
ACK! I absolutely do NOT want to do this. Have I mentioned this house is old? I can GUARANTEE that the numbers I measure will leave him shaking his head and he will want to measure again to make sure I have done it correctly. I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO HELP ME !

We stuck with the plan to have him come and help with the door on Saturday , and I (quietly) planned to let him measure what he needed anyway!

On Friday night I went to bed. All was well. In the middle of the night the toilet made a terrible gurgling noise and all of a sudden.... we had no water!

The house was silent, which is a bad thing. I went to the basement to check on the water pump. There was power to the pump but no water pressure. This I know is a bad thing.

We get water right into the house from the springs so we don't need a cistern or to haul water which I LOVE. There was water in the tank. I don't know enough about the system, but I know when it is not working.

This is not OUR pump - but it is what our system looks like.

Saturday morning first thing I called the plumber. I told him what I knew and that we needed some help. He wanted me to check a few things and so I was taking instructions from him on his cell, which was cutting out, laying the phone down upstairs because there is no reception in the basement, and trekking up and down the stairs with the boys and dogs in my way the whole time to check on what he was asking. Still no water pressure. After many calls he said he would send someone out to check it. He did ask me if I knew it was a weekend and the call out cost was higher than normal. I did know this and unfortunately we cannot live without water and so we needed to pay whatever it cost to get it repaired.

I took the boys to swimming lessons, (where I made them shower twice!) and the plumber came out and fixed the switch. I was hugely relieved it was the switch that needed replacement and not the entire tank, but my plans to get a door this weekend just went out the window.

So today we have a pump and water that works, two doors that STILL need repair, and it is the second weekend in October.

I sure as heck hope I can figure out what to do with the doors before the snow flies and the water lines in the house freeze because there is no front door!

Toilets to avoid if travelling in Northern Alberta

We had to go to the city this weekend because Cj needed oral surgery. We decided to take off on Saturday after the boys had swimming lessons because we were thinking they would be tired out and would travel better and we wouldn't miss a week of swimming lessons.
It turns out they weren't tired, but they loved swimming and it was worth it anyway.
This was the first trip we have ever taken with both boys in "big boy underwear" and I was a little concerned we would make it without any accidents.
The boys were AMAZING and we made it accident free!
We did stop at a LOT of gas stations and on the side of the road once or twice but it was worth it.
I will just add here that if anyone is every travelling in Alberta and you end up in Whitecourt, do not, I repeat, DO NOT use the bathroom in the Whitecourt Esso on the north side of town. That place is NASTY.

addition to our family

This weekend my baby sister had her first child.
After 2 hours of labour she gave birth to a wee one (just 5 pounds) and both mom and baby are doing amazingly.
I would post a photo but I need to get mom's permission. Take it from me, she is GORGEOUS!
Welcome to the family little one.

open minded... what?

This past weekend wubby and I attended a conference for foster and adoptive families. The conference is held yearly locally and we try to attend as often as we can.
The hotel was a complete bust (served cold food and put us into a dirty room and took two hours to move us) but the conference was pretty good.
We had registered in advance for some aboriginal training which we do at every opportunity but the presenter was unable to attend and the session was cancelled which was a huge bummer because we had to find alternative sessions at the last minute to join. There was a session on Child Sexual Abuse which I KNOW is important but I was not feeling emotionally "prepared" to sit through the session and another on dealing with adolescents - which I have a few years yet to prepare myself for. Basically my remaining options were limited to one. It was something about claiming your magnificent self ...
It was extremely touchy feeling and a LOT of sharing deep personal thoughts and feelings. I have to say it isn't something I would volunteer for again considering the group we were with.
In the entire group Shel and I are the only gay couple. MOST of the foster parents in the area are very religious and to be honest, not the most inclusive group I have ever been a part of. 
We do have a few good friends that it is always nice to see but we ended up in different sessions at this conference for some reason.
On Sunday Shel went to a session on building resiliency in children and teens and I went to a session on Aboriginal culture and Christianity. The presenters were a Catholic nun and an Aboriginal elder. The purpose of the session as outlined in the program was to have the presenters show the similarities between Christian ritual and Aboriginal ceremony. MOST of the people in the session were the people who are very vocal about their "Christian" lifestyle.
In every aboriginal session I have ever attended there is a smudging ceremony at the beginning. The presenters outlined that there would be a prayer from the nun and then a smudge from the elder. One person raised her hand and said that in her understanding a smudging ceremony was inviting aboriginal spirits to enter the room and stated that she was not comfortable in her religion to invite any spirit that was not from God.
The nun responded to her inquiry and stated that a smudge was like a prayer. I have included a link where you can read more info about smudging because I am in no way an expert, but what was explained was that all ceremonies must be entered into with a good heart so that we can pray, sing, and walk in a sacred manner. When the sweetgrass is brought to the people in the circle each individual wafts the smoke over their head, eyes, ears, mouth, heart and then down over the body. The whole process takes about two minutes per person.
The elder was very clear that if you were uncomfortable smudging that you could hold your hand over your heart or step back out of the circle and you would be passed over and there was no judgement on whether you smudged or not. The nun explained that when she smudged she prayed to her father in heaven that her heart, mind, eyes and ears would be open to the process about to take place so that she would learn and not pass judgement.
PERSONALLY, I like the idea. I think it is a cool way to start a meeting. It is a great reminder to take a minute, think about what you are about to do, why you are doing it, and commit to be a part of the process if a positive way. AS the smoke rises to heaven thoughts are on the creator and the role he plays in all our interactions.
Unfortunately this was not sufficient for the person who asked the question because she chose to leave the group and not attend the session. Others also left the room rather than be present for the smudge.
 Of those of us that remained more than HALF did not participate in the smudging.
The session continued, each presenter sharing personal experience and knowledge with the group. Then we were invited to take part in a pipe ceremony.
I have never been a part of a pipe ceremony but I was amazed and awed by the fact that this elder was willing to share something of his own spirituality that is so significant. ESPECIALLY in a group that was obviously not completely open to the ideas surrounding his beliefs.
It was an honor to participate. It was absolutely beautiful. Again, many people chose not to participate.
At the end of the session there was a sharing circle. The eagle feather was passed and each person in the group was able to share.
I said thank-you to the presenters for sharing their wisdom and knowledge. Some of the people still felt as though Native Spirituality was in conflict with their native beliefs.
I have been thinking and thinking about the experience and I WISH I had shared some of my feelings to the group. I am obviously still struggling with finding my "voice"  because what I wanted to say was this: (good thing I have a blog to "spew" on!)
I am a returned missionary for my CHRISTIAN church. I lived my entire life, served a mission, held positions of leadership and gave my time (and my heart) to proselytize for the church that I am not welcome in. My spouse and I have approached churches in our community and asked if we may bring our family to worship with them and we have been told that we are NOT welcome.
(I have to interject here that we have friends who attend a church locally who have invited us to join them and when we asked if we would be welcome they told us not to worry what anyone said but to go anyway. While we appreciate their support, it is not a resounding welcome from the community to our family!)
We have been judged, condemned, and rejected by EVERY Christian organization we have communicated with since arriving in our community.
Not once, not EVER have we been rejected, judged or treated differently by Aboriginal people in ceremonies we have attended. NEVER.
In the circle we sat in at the conference the Aboriginal leader welcomed all, regardless of belief, regardless of whether or not individuals wanted to participate. He said to everyone, "Come into my circle".
The people who rejected the message - self proclaimed "Christians".
I don't understand it. I have read the Bible (more times than many would believe). Christianity is so far removed from Christ it is unrecognizable to me.
I am so grateful for the BLESSING of being able to  pray to and thank my Creator in a space where I believe he walked, and it wasn't a church.

Birthday Boy

Max is FIVE years old today. I can't believe it.
He asked me this morning if it was his birthday "RIGHT NOW" and when I said it was he responded by saying "So do I get to stay home from school then?"
Silly boy.
He went to school but I got a call at lunch that he was not well and so I went to pick him up. Shel came into town and took him from my office up to the hospital where they said he needed medication and breathing treatments. He insists that he still wants cake and ice-cream for supper though.
I love this kid.
Happy Birthday Buddy!

Books from School

Maxie brought a book home from school this week. He has done this before with regularity - but never before has he actually sat and listened to me read a book to him in it's entirety. Last night he listened to this book not once, but TWICE.

I love books. I love to read. I have been sad that my boy would never ever sit still or show interest long enough for me to read to him.

I love Sam Sheep.



Wordless Wednesday

First day of Kindergarten

So here we are!

Max had his first day today, an orientation day and not a full day. He will be attending the school in town. We deliberated and deliberated and FINALLY decided to send him to the community school and then received a call from the school letting us know that enrollment was so low that the school would not likely stay open and we would end up having to move Max again if he went there this year.

For Max to move twice would be too much and so we decided to keep him where he has been going - the school in town. We are sad that the community school has such low enrollment and we know that choosing to put Max into school in town also affects this enrollment, but we have to do the best thing for him. We are happy with our decision. Max has the aide this year that has worked with him for the past two  years. He will be getting speech therapy, Occupational therapy and physical therapy AND going to kindergarten.

YAY!

He took the bus this morning and Shel went with him on his first day. It is about an hour bus ride and he will take his DSI to play games on the ride. He was reluctant to get onto the bus but Hugo was excited and climbed right on the bus behind him. The other kids on the bus thought it was hilarious. I was so busy pulling Hugo off that I neglected to get a photo of the great dane on the bus.

My baby is in Kindergarten.

Here is Cael waving at the bus as it arrives. Max was behind him clinging to mom and crying. CJ was thrilled and HAPPILY would have gone. We will see if he is still thrilled in two years when it is his turn.

At one point I said to Max that he would be taking the bus for the next 13 years. Upon reflection I son't think it was the most motivating thing I could have come up with to tell him. He has not slept at night since last week in anticipation of school beginning. We have been talking to him about it trying to prepare him but it was too overwhelming so we really downplayed it the last couple of days to try and "ease" him into it more and not build it up so much. When I got him up this morning he started to cry immediately and said he did not want to go on the bus. It was really the first he had mentioned the bus, but the bus driver let Shel ride with him which helped immensely. Hopefully tomorrow it will all go smoothly.



small school

We have in Alberta schools called "small school by necessity".

Historically communities who are far from larger centers would have schools that are small. These schools are funded by the government to a greater amount per student than schools in urban centers because the students simply could not travel the great distances to the urban centers for their education.

We live outside a small community which has two elementary schools, one public, one Catholic. Close to where we live is a small school, which I think at one point was a small school by necessity but now it is just a community school which depends on student enrollment to keep running. This school has one classroom and teacher for grades one, two and three and another for grades four, five and six. There is a small amount of students that attend this school. Because we live so close to it we can choose to send our sons to this school or to the school in town.

Max has been attending an early intervention program at the school in town for two years. He is registered to attend this year. This program has been AMAZING for him.  He has developed in leaps and bounds since he began. He has had the best aide for two years.We adore her and the work she does with him and SHE adores him. The bus ride for him to get to this school is over an hour each way.

The community school called this week to say they were running a program this year, there will be four kids, maybe five, in his class if we chose to send him here. The bus ride for him will be about half an hour - TOPS. We know that when he enters grade one we would like him in our community school because of the ratio of students to teachers and because of the way the classes are split. If for some reason he is delayed he would still be with basically the same kids. We went to an open house there last night and checked out the place (we have been there before). I thought after attending the open house I would have come to some certain conclusion one way or another.

It looks, on paper, like the best thing is to put him into the community school now. He would have a year to transition which is something we know he needs. For some reason I CANNOT find "peace" with this decision. Neither can I find peace with the decision to send him into town. It's so ridiculous. I can honestly say I have never had such a tough decision with regards to parenting as this one.

I hope decisions get easier as he gets older or I am hooped!

Accepting change

Max has Static Encephalopathy. Permanent or "unchanging" brain damage. Static Encephalopathy may involve the frontal lobe, which affects judgment and impulse control, and the corpus callosum, the membrane between the left brain and right brain which affects the ability to process information.

Raising a child (or two) with brain damage is a daily, hourly, sometimes minute by minute challenge.
One of the difficulties we face with the boys is when they "transition" from one thing to the next. It is extremely difficult for them to move from one task to the next or from one activity to the next. For this reason we set up a lot of rigid routines which we follow so that they know what to expect and when to expect it.

This fall Max will be taking the school bus for the first time. He has been in an early intervention program for the past two years and I have driven him each day to school in the morning. I am realizing more and more how much I like routines (shocker!) and I am DREADING this transition from driving each day with him. It has been our time together, our habit, and now I will be driving alone and he will be taking the bus. The bus will be new for him and will be hard for him to get used to, but the thought of driving without him brought me to tears yesterday. I will miss mornings with him immensely. I am so very, very sad at the thought of "losing" just this little part of him.

crazy week

It's the week before school starts for college students and one of the busiest weeks of the year at work as we gear up for students to move in on Sunday.
It is also the week that we have "PD" opportunities here on campus. A bad week for me to be leaving the office but I hate to miss out on the opportunity to participate in some of the sessions. Yesterday I went to a session on "Brain Mapping" and it was EXCELLENT. I got some great ideas on some things to do with the boys and I wish there was an opportunity to actually get our brains mapped, but alas, we cannot at this time because there is no-one doing this kind of thing in Alberta that I know of. It was still a great session. Then I went to a session on the universe. Another amazing session. This morning I went to a session on Meditation.
I really like the idea of meditating. We actually meditated for 15 minutes and it's not the easiest thing in the world to do, but I enjoyed the session. Unfortunately for me, when I left, I found that my stress had actually increased and not decreased. I don't know if this is a natural consequence of regular meditation, if so, I likely won't pursue trying to incorporate it into my daily life, as much as I know I need to!
I recently read a blog post about yoga that talked about the emotional release that occurs during yoga practise. I don't practise yoga myself, and there isn't anywhere locally to join a yoga practise, but the idea of the emotional release actually appealed to me. With all of the events of the past 9 months I am in desperate need of an emotional release, or should I say, MANY emotional releases! I am thinking I will look into a yoga dvd and try it out. I just don't know if I will get the same benefit from trying to do it on my own.
On Monday we got a call that some of the siblings of our youngest adopted son will likely be coming into foster care and would we be interested in taking them into our foster home.
When the adoptions came through for us in November of last year our foster home was put on "hold" which they said was a normal practise when families adopted to allow the family to find a rythym and get used to being a family unit. I see in theory the purpose of this, but in our case it seemed a little silly since the boys have both been with us since their births and we had our routine pretty much down so there was not much of a transition to go through, but we accepted that our home would be on hold for 6 months. In May, at the end of the six months we called to activate our home. We were put off and told the workers were really busy and would get to us. We called again a few times, June and July and were put off again. When the call came Monday to ask if we would be willing to take these siblings we were asked to pick up the paperwork at the office and fill it out and the worker would get in touch with us again to get everything completed. Then on Tuesday came the call. Two other children, not siblings of our son, but two other children needed a home IMMEDIATELY. They needed our home open IMMEDIATELY. I could not get off work so the worker arranged to come in the evening to get the paperwork filled out to open our home again so we could take these kids right away. This has been our experience with the foster system in the past. Nothing is important or urgent until they need you and then everything moves at light speed. So the worker came over, filled out all the paperwork to open our home, and we did what we have RARELY done - which is say we are not willing to take the kids who need the urgent placement. We will wait until such as time as the siblings need a placement OR we will wait for kids who are a bit older. I think the worker was shocked, but now that we have over 6 years under our belts as foster parents we know a little of how things work and we aren't going to allow ourselves to be overwhelmed just because they have an urgent placement. At the end of the week our house will be open again as a foster home and we'll see what happens.
As we were meeting with the foster worker the phone started ringing. We ignored it. When I checked the message later it was the local school (k-6) calling to get Max enrolled. Talk about leaving things to the last minute! ( I think I need to do a completely different post on this topic)
It seems as though the weeks will go by and nothing of consequence happens and then all of a sudden, in one week, absolutely everything happens at once and it's all a little overwhelming.
When I woke up this morning I was certain the week was over because we had done so much, but it is only Thursday today! The worst of the week for me hasn't even happened yet.

Honorable Jack Layton 1950-2011

His honorable Jack Layton passed away this morning. I am saddened by the news that such an amazing leader has left us. My thoughts are with his family at this time. NDP deputy leader Libby Davis said, “He was a great Canadian. He gave his life to this country. His commitment to social justice and equality and a better Canada in the world and at home. I think that’s how people saw him, they saw the courage that he had. He faced cancer and he kept on working, doing his job, because he felt so strongly about what he believed in.”

Here is a link to a letter written by Jack Layton in the event he passed away.

Four stitches before breakfast!

wordless wednesday

What to do with a five year old?

Oh, we are having a devil of a time trying to decide what we should do with Max this year for school.
He is growing up SO fast. For the past two years he has been a part of an "early intervention" type program run through the elementary school that has done him WONDERS.

His birthday is in September and he will turn 5.

When he started the program at age three he was just out of surgery , having been deaf until that point in his life. He was not speaking any words at all. In the initial speech assessment the speech therapist was setting goals with us and said for us not to set our hopes too high, and that if he managed by the end of the school year to have between three and five words that would be a success through their program.
Well, by the end of the year he was saying over 100 words! He is truly our "Miracle Max".
He went to that program again a second year and improved again in many areas. He can spell his name, he can count (just about) to ten - but he keeps leaving out number "7". He talks and never stops.

BUT.... 1) his speech is very difficult to understand and in MANY cases you must know the context in which he is talking or you simply have no idea what words he is saying.
2)He is not toilet trained - and contrary to popular belief this has very little to do with our parenting (though many try to tell us it is our fault at this point that he is not trained). He has NO idea when his body is "excreting". So we can have him on a schedule and go every hour and he will go when we take him, but if you even ask him if he has pooped he can't tell you if he has or not.
3) IF he goes to school this year in the way that was proposed to us by the teacher in our last meeting he would go in the morning to the same program he has been in twice already which will make it his third year there. Then he would stay and go to kindergarten in the afternoon. That means that NEXT year when he goes to kindergarten full time he will go from every day school to twice a week school. This is my biggest problem with the whole plan. It will be a huge step backwards for him next year to go back to school twice a week. For all intents and purposes, by next year he will have three years under his belt. I just can't see him doing well in that change. AI AI AI AI AI.

ANYWAY.

I think he should be in kindergarten this year. Shel thinks maybe not? She thinks, and I do agree, that being older is not bad for boys to be starting out school.

Man oh man.

I wont even go into my dilemma about putting him on the bus!

Why I love my iphone - reason number one

Last night there was a power outage and we lost power at about 2 am.
Normally this would be a really good time to lose power, one would think, but our house has a pump that runs on and off through the night for our water (if I go to the bathroom in the night the pump runs). I also have a fan in our room which I run through the night while I sleep, and we leave the light on in the hallway for the boys.
Well when the power went out the house went DEAD silent and PITCH black. We live on an acreage out of town so there are no lights from street lights, no lights from neighbours or traffic either.
The silence and the dark instantly woke the boys. Max was ok and knew exactly what had happened but CJ had a little freak out.
We brought them into our room on our bed but the dark still was freaking out CJ.
I was using the flashlight app on my phone to make light in the room but I really wanted the boys to settle down so they could go back to bed.
Netflix - here I come.
We watched an episode of backyardigans and also another show - for the life of me I CANNOT remember what else we watched as I was completely out of it. I was trying to hold the phone in my hand but kept dropping it as I dozed off so Max held it for me. Such a good little helper!
After an hour of television I took them back into their room where I opened the curtains and the light from the moon was bright enough for them to see something. It took a few minutes but they settled and went back to sleep.
YAY IPHONE! Unfortunately the phone didn't charge last night and I am almost completely out of a charge today.

Choosing what to blog about

I have been blogging for a long time.

At one point  in my history of  blogging I maintained two different blogs - one for my family and extended family to read and one for "me". I tried to keep anything related to my sexuality off the blog which was for my family because I didn't want to offend anyone and I saw it as a place for them to come and catch up on life events and not have homosexuality "shoved down their throats". My family - for the most part - is very religious and my homosexuality has been an issue of contention.

It got to be too much of a hassle for me to maintain two blogs, especially when we no longer had a functioning computer at home so now I basically only maintain one blog on a consistent basis.
At one point I know there were two (maybe three?) of my family members who stopped in and read  my blog on occasion but whether they still do I don't know. Which recently has made me wonder why I still come to this blog and edit what I write.

You may ask, what do you edit?

1. I make a concerted effort not to ever post anything about work, although I have done on one or two occasions without posting anything too negative or incriminating. I will continue to avoid posts about work because - well - it's work.

2. I edit things I write about my coming out process. I was trying to protect those people in my life who were around me at the time - but WHY? They did nothing to support me OR to stay in my life and so why was I trying to protect them, or more importantly why do I continue to try and protect them?

While I was in university I was going through the process of discovering and accepting that I was a lesbian. I was a late bloomer! A girl I worked with in student government had recently come out. At a retreat for student leaders I was hanging out with my "straight" friends and they were talking about how no-one wanted to share a room with her on retreats because of her newly claimed sexual "preference".  I wasn't surprised by this, but considered how this information would impact my own coming out. I roomed with the same person at every retreat and although I was fairly certain she would not have a problem to continue to stay with me in the future I worried that her STAYING with me would have implications for her. I decided then I was not coming out while I was still involved in student government. This formed some of the basis for my choices later not to talk about my coming out process.

Many years after this experience in college, I was out, married and as at my sisters house with Shel. My sister had never asked about my coming out process but in a conversation she brought up a name as being the person with whom I shared my first lesbian encounter. It was COMPLETELY wrong! This was a direct result of the fact that  I had never shared my experience and by not sharing  it was left up to others to "fill in the gaps" and come to conclusions as to what had happened. No-one ever asked me, I never offered and the story that was constructed in the absence of all information was completely wrong.

Coming out is scary. I was terrified that I would hurt people but I believed that part of the process automatically meant that I would be hurt by others. I was. People I considered to be lifelong friends wanted nothing to do with me and walked out of my life. I disappointed my family. I EXPECTED that I would be hurt, but did whatever I could to protect others from being hurt. WHY? I can understand why I did what I did back when this whole thing was new to me. It isn't new anymore. I have been out of the closet for 14 years. I have no reason any more to try and protect anyone but myself and my family.

3. Although I do post things about my family, which in it's very nature has content related to homosexuality because we are two women parenting, I try not to be "in your face about gay issues... Having thought about this I really have to question "why" I do this? Who am I protecting? Who is it that I don't want to offend? And what does it mean to be "in your face" about my sexuality?

I have always felt in the back of my mind as though I was an "apologetic" gay person. What do I mean by that? I suppose that many people who know me would find this a bit surprising, because we live our lives very "out". I am out at work and in our community. We are "out" at the elementary school and to the parents of the kids who are in Maxies class. So I guess what it means for me to feel like an apologetic gay is that I feel as though in many ways I have to "protect" my parents and my grandparents and other people in my life who are offended by my sexuality. I try to ever hold hands or show public affection to Shel when we are with my family. I try not to write anything in a letter or post on a blog that would make my family uncomfortable. I HONESTLY do not know why I do this.


Let me give a "for instance"...

I am friends on facebook with some of my cousins and aunts and uncles. In 2008 there was a proposition in California known as Prop 8 that would eliminate the rights of same sex couples to marry.  Some of my relatives, living in California, were in support of Prop 8 passing and posted links on their facebook pages to support Prop 8. You know, I honestly believe that everyone has a right to believe what they will. I understand why my family believe this way, but I disagree with them. I disagree that human rights should be legislated against. I avoided saying anything, posting anything or commenting at all either publicly or on my own blog. Why? Because I didn't want to "rock the boat" with my family. But now I sit here and I wonder why? Why can I accept that they can post their beliefs, but not give myself the same acceptance? Why can I accept that  they are uncomfortable with me and then make it MY place to make them feel more comfortable? You know, at the end of the day as I reflect on this I think that the way I act could lead my family to believe that I am SORRY that I am gay. I'm not.

I'm sorry that my family can't accept me unconditionally. I am sorry that I had to deal with the things I did in my coming out process. However I am NOT sorry that I discovered who I was, that I came out, that I found a loving life partner and was able to MARRY her (YAY CANADA!), or that I am rasing two beautiful children. Right now I am sorry that I have tried to "hide" who I am when it has not been in my own best interest.

As I browse around on the blogosphere I come across all kinds of people who have no qualms about sharing what they believe. Why should I ? If people do not want to come and read what I have to say then by all means they can stay away! I should feel "free" to blog what I want to - especially as it relates to my own life!

And lastly - because I really segued there...

4. I edit my blogs about my children. Certainly there are some things about our lives that are mot for public consumption, but  specifically I edit myself when it comes to writing about the challenges of raising two children with disabilities and brain damage. I got thinking about this when a friend recently went through a phase of not knowing whether to blog or not. She has blogged about her families journey to adoption and she has laid it all bare. She has blogged the good, the bad, the ugly. I admire her for it SO much, so why don't I do the same?

Am I worried that people with think I suck as a parent because of the difficulties we face in raising our boys? Will people judge our boys? I know that I want to have the most positive outlook that I can as we face the challenges we do, and so perhaps I think that if I blog about the challenges it will negate the "positive" things we encounter? Does it make me blind to the challenges? To be honest I don't think it makes me blind to the challenges. I think it makes me feel like I am in an isolated bubble. Just me and my spouse all alone and without any support or recourse or even validation that what we are undertaking is INSANELY difficult.

I have had two interesting interactions that have fed my "fear" about blogging about the trials of parenting. One interaction happened prior to the adoption of our oldest. When he came to us he had incredible medical difficulties and we knew he faced a life of challenges. Someone made the comment to us that we were sure lucky we were just fostering and didn't HAVE TO adopt this child who we knew would have troubles throughout his life. The comment was made that "thank goodness he wasn't our problem!"
Well whose "problem" should he be? I decided at that moment that I would never tell this person if we encountered a challenge because it would only validate her opinion. Thankfully she moved away and I have no interaction with her and so it is a non issue now - but the comment stuck with me.

The second interaction was a comment on facebook when I posted something about Max being argumentative. The comment was " a child can only be as argumentative as a parent allows."
I never commented again on the topic and just moved forward but I WANTED to say - "You know, being argumentative when you are four and you have a severe brain injury has very little to do with parenting style..... etc. etc."  But I didn't, and I am deciding now that I need to change.

I need to change my blogging style. I need to change my reaction (or NON-reaction) to people when I disagree. I don't need to be argumentative, but I need to stand up for what I believe. If it chases some people away and they are uncomfortable with who I am or what I say then I will need to deal with that. I am certain that I will meet or find that people I already know ARE supportive, there will be people out there who like me for who I am and less people in my life that I spend trying to "protect", who really don't support me, or believe in what I am doing, and are judgemental about how I am living my life. Are these the people I WANT around me?

HELL NO

Hopefully moving forward I will feel more freedom in blogging. Let's see where it takes us!

How to spend money

I don't need any help spending money. There is ALWAYS something that needs to be done.
This month it is news on CJ's teeth.
The poor kid has bad teeth, I would say he inherited them from me but he carries none of my genetic material. Unfortunately for him, he seems to have inherited bad teeth anyway.
I have a great dental plan (which I pay great money to) because my own teeth and my spouses are in such rough shape, but I never knew I would need the insurance for CJ - especially because he is so young.
We have had both boys to the kids dentist locally and CJ needs a LOT f work. SO much that he needs to have oral surgery, so they can put him under anesthesia while they work on all of the issues in his mouth. He needs it. We need to do it. So we got the call from the dentist to schedule everything yesterday.
HELLO!
They take our insurance but we have to pay up front and be reimbursed from the insurance company.
This is pretty typical of a lot of dentists here so that news wasn't particularly surprising.... but 3500 dollars! HOLY MOLY!
That's a lot of freaking money.
Do you know how many tattoos I could get with that money?
I do!
I could get a tattoo from THIS person, or one from THIS person, or maybe even from THIS person.
For that amount of money, I could likely get inked from all three. What a dream come true THAT would be!

Oh, being a parent can be a bummer when I want tattoos and my kid needs teeth.

Letter to Cael - 36 months

Dear Cael.
Wow, I cannot believe it!

You are three years old this month. The time has literally flown by. I still remember holding you in my arms the day we picked you up from the hospital. You were SO tiny - less than five pounds. It boggles my mind that you are so tall and growing up in every way.
You are becoming more and more independent which is cool, but so hard for me to let go! You don't want help getting in and out of the van at all and you are doing VERY well with your potty training. I love to do happy dances with you when you use the toilet. You love them as well - you particularly love to tell me "how" to dance, which I find immensely amusing.
You have had a love of all things related to cars for as long as I can remember. You have a matchbox car in your hand at all times. You even go to sleep with one in your hand!

You love to bath more than anyone I know. If you had your druthers you would bath four or more times a day. In fact, on many days you do take at LEAST two baths, sometimes three. You are a water baby through and through.

When Gramma was here we put up the trampoline. You spend HOURS jumping and entertaining yourself on the tramp - but sometimes you sneak Hugo on with you. You are a social butterfly and would prefer to do anything with company if you had your choice.

You bring so much joy to our home and you are such a blessing I cannot imagine my life without you. I love you my humpback whale.

Rest your head, close to my heart, never to part, baby of mine.

Mom

CJ started riding his bike!

I just got a text message from home to let me know that CJ has just got the hang of pedalling his two wheeler and he is away like a shot!

He got a bike for his birthday because he wants to be like Max in everything he does and Max is a mad man on his bike - even though he only figured it out last year. They both still have training wheels, but CJ has been "pushing" his bike behind Max as he rides in the driveway since he got the new bike a month ago on his birthday. Apparently it all came together for him today and I am so happy for him. Way to go my little humpback whale!

Technology....

Hey! Look at me! I am blogging from my PHONE!

Gave up on my work phone

If anyone is wondering about what happened with my phone - here is an update.
The guys in IT here at work wiped the phone and asked me not to download anything and they put a 3 G tracker on it.
I had wiped it previously but downloaded Angry Birds again so they took that off. Unfortunately the phone continued to transfer high rates of data. No-one could figure it out. It was transferring so much I would have exceeded the monthly data transfer limit and I wasn't doing ANYTHING.
The person in charge of phones for staff on campus wanted to give me back a flip phone but I chose personally not to go with that. I doubt I would have been happy going from a smart phone back to a flip phone. I decided that I didn't want any more hassles with phones and work and the pressure of worrying that data usage would go over the monthly allotment and having to pay for the extra personally - ESPECIALLY when I was not in control of what was being used or when or how.
So.... after much deliberation I went out and got a new phone. I will pay for it myself and I will do whatever I want to! I wont stress about what someone says my monthly data usage is. I won't stress about how many text messages I send (even though I had unlimited texting I was always questioned about how many texts I was sending) and I won't worry about personal use of a work phone. STRESS OVER!
Having said that ... I now have to transfer all my contact info and stuff to this new phone. Can you say "pain in the butt?"
Shel is excited because now I can sign up for games she i s playing on her iphone and she can get points! I do what I can to keep my lover happy.

Wordless Wednesday

Mouse in the house

On the list of things to do while mom was here I had "clean under the kitchen sink" and "clean out the bathroom cupboard". Mom and I did under the kitchen sink and we decided to buy a small piece of laminate to put down for water drips. The plumbing here isn't dripping - at the moment - but the boys like to "help" at the sink and so there is often water spilled that gets under the sink. We looked for laminate pieces but the place we looked only had really large pieces and so we haven't put it in yet. I still have a plan to get a small piece and glue it down.
The other goal was to clean out the bathroom cupboard. I started in on it while mom was in the kitchen. I pulled everything out from the bottom (the floor) and I was wiping all around. As I wiped around the corner, out of my view, a small mouse scurried out.

I screamed. Yes. I screamed. It was more of a shriek/scream and not a sound I am accustomed to coming from my mouth. I actually startled myself by the sound and mom came running.

Oh we laughed.

We needed to catch the thing and release it outside - we live on an acreage and there are many, many fieldmice around and usually the dogs and cats do a good job at keeping them out of the house but this one apparently got past our living traps.

Mice move FAST! Mom got a bucket to catch it in and I was assigned the role of mouse "herder". I am not good at being a mouse herder. I was laughing too hard to do any good and it moved WAY WAY fast. It managed to get away and down a  hole into the basement.

I am still shocked at the fact I screamed. I wouldn't say I was afraid of mice, but when I am cleaning and a moving thing comes from where I expect no moving things I was certainly startled.

I am happy to say we have not seen hide nor hair of the creature since and I removed all toilet paper from the floor so there is nothing enticing to nest in any longer. There has also been no evidence of a mouse in the cupboard since then and the cats did bring a "catch" to us which I am hoping was the offender.