I signed up for a writing class which started this week. Each week we are given some prompts to write about. I want to write. I love to write, but I have been struggling for years to write again.
I finally picked up a pen and paper and did it tonight.
I'm really stepping out of my comfort zone here. I can do this!
Here is what I came up with for assignment one.
At age 21 I worked overnight in a bakery. She would call me at 3 am to talk to me while I was on break. After work I would drive my mom's minivan to her apartment to hang out with her while she got ready for her day. I looked forward to talking to her nightly, and to seeing her every day.
in the morning she would invite me into the bathroom to talk to her, then one day undressed in front of me and climbed into the shower. I'd never seen a woman naked. I was equal parts captivated and scared. Why did I feel the way that I did? Why did I crave her voice on the phone and the image of her body through the fog on the shower door.
After she left for the day I would lay in her bed and breathe deep the scent of her. And want. And want.
One morning she got the call that she was being transferred to another area. We knew it was going to happen at some point but I wasn't prepared when the call came.
I stood in the kitchen as everything was carried up the stairs and into the van. The lump in my throat made it impossible to talk. The driver was waiting for her in the car. We stood looking at each other for a moment, my eyes full of tears, my heart broken. Stepping towards me she took my face in her hands and bending forward pressed her lips against mine.
I'd never been kissed before by a woman. Never felt the feelings exploding in my body and in my brain. In that instant my entire world changed.
She dropped her hands from my face, turned, and walked away.
Wednesday, April 8, 2020
Sunday, April 5, 2020
Trying to find a new normal
It's April 5.
There are now 1075 cases of confirmed Covid-19 in Alberta.
One of the deaths in Alberta was a woman in her 20's. That really worries me because I have COPD and if I get sick it can get bad really quickly. This virus is not just affecting the elderly.
It's the end of the second week since school was cancelled and I have been working at home.
I'm finding it really difficult to get into a routine with the boys home and having to work my same hours.
I feel like all I am doing is working and cleaning up after C.
The furnace is somewhat fixed - at least we don't have to have space heaters to heat the house. That is one less thing for me to worry about.
It's crazy how this whole thing is really affecting peoples mental health. We are so lucky to be able to connect with social media. I can't imagine what this whole thing would be like if we weren't able to connect at all.
I had such a clear plan of how this was going to look and it doesn't resemble that plan at all. Time for me to rethink what this "new normal" is going to look like.
There are now 1075 cases of confirmed Covid-19 in Alberta.
One of the deaths in Alberta was a woman in her 20's. That really worries me because I have COPD and if I get sick it can get bad really quickly. This virus is not just affecting the elderly.
It's the end of the second week since school was cancelled and I have been working at home.
I'm finding it really difficult to get into a routine with the boys home and having to work my same hours.
I feel like all I am doing is working and cleaning up after C.
The furnace is somewhat fixed - at least we don't have to have space heaters to heat the house. That is one less thing for me to worry about.
It's crazy how this whole thing is really affecting peoples mental health. We are so lucky to be able to connect with social media. I can't imagine what this whole thing would be like if we weren't able to connect at all.
I had such a clear plan of how this was going to look and it doesn't resemble that plan at all. Time for me to rethink what this "new normal" is going to look like.
Wednesday, April 1, 2020
Upside Down - not pineapple cake
The whole world is upside down. The price of a barrel of oil has absolutely tanked. Schools are cancelled and the Education Minister in Alberta fired 20 000 Educational support staff - then the Premier of Alberta defended her decision and blamed it on the chief medical officer. He is a complete and total idiot. (The chief medical officer Dr. Hinshaw has been doing a PHENOMENAL job of dealing with this crisis in the province.)
I am lucky to be working from home, still making an income and able to be with the kids since there is no school. I feel like I should be more grateful but I am crazy stressed. Each day is a roller coaster emotional ride.
The furnace went out. We have been trying to heat the house with space heaters until the furnace can be fixed, but we can only have three space heaters going or the breakers trip. It has been storming, snowing and blowing, and we are snowed in. I have food and no reason to leave the house, but not being able to leave has a different feeling than being able to leave and choosing not to.
I have internet. I am able to be in contact with friends and family. I am able to get my work completed every day.
My list of things that I want to accomplish in the house is getting longer and longer. I feel like I am falling further and further behind.
I just feel completely disorganized and detached.
I am lucky to be working from home, still making an income and able to be with the kids since there is no school. I feel like I should be more grateful but I am crazy stressed. Each day is a roller coaster emotional ride.
The furnace went out. We have been trying to heat the house with space heaters until the furnace can be fixed, but we can only have three space heaters going or the breakers trip. It has been storming, snowing and blowing, and we are snowed in. I have food and no reason to leave the house, but not being able to leave has a different feeling than being able to leave and choosing not to.
I have internet. I am able to be in contact with friends and family. I am able to get my work completed every day.
My list of things that I want to accomplish in the house is getting longer and longer. I feel like I am falling further and further behind.
I just feel completely disorganized and detached.
Sunday, March 29, 2020
Self Isolation and Covid-19
Coronavirus. Covid-19.
I'm fairly certain that 3 months ago Covid 19 was something I had "vaguely" heard of. Now it the center of my life, and the lives of everyone in the world. I wanted to start journaling what life is like through this whole thing, but I'm not so sure it will be very interesting.
By the time this is posted everyone in the world will know about it - probably more than we know right now.
Today is March 29. There are 6,243 cases in Canada and 661 cases in Alberta. Currently in Peace River there are 8 cases - those are the cases closest to us.
On March 15 in Alberta all of the schools were cancelled. It was also the day I started to work from home. I have my laptop and my phone from work and I am completing all of my meetings via phone and zoom conference. When I got the news that I was to work from home I was super excited. I thought for sure my home was going to be spotless and I was going to have delicious home cooked meals every night. Number 2 son - whom I will refer to from this point on as "Hurricane" has thwarted my designs on being a domestic goddess throughout this self isolation thing.
It is crazy hard to have a work schedule and a home schedule when I'm home all day. I am on call all the time so even when my work hours are officially "over" I feel as though I am never off the clock. It was a lot easier to do when I was in the office and would physically walk away from work, even though I was still on call.
My plans for a spotless house are not even CLOSE to fruition. I gave up on that plan and decided to make a list of projects I would like to accomplish while I am working from home. I thought I would work on doing one thing a day so that I would still feel like I was getting somewhere, but even that has not been successful so far. Then yesterday the blower motor on my furnace died. It was -28 degrees C yesterday. I have space heaters in the hallway, the bedroom, and the living room. Unfortunately the space heaters keep tripping the breakers. Ugh. It's all a huge mess.
I called the heating guys in Fairview yesterday and they sent out a motor. Ben came to put in it but it is the wrong size. It has been storming here for a few days already and the snow is not scheduled to stop anytime soon.
I have a full day of work tomorrow but I also need to get the furnace fixed. Negotiating all of this is a struggle - and doing it alone makes it harder.
Sunday, March 8, 2020
Collapsing Stars
Carl Sagan said " The nitrogen in our DNA, the calcium in our teeth, the iron in our blood, was made from the interior of collapsing stars. We are made of star stuff."
The first time I read this I felt as though it meant I was part of something infinite - which is motivational when infinity is a happy place. I believed that it meant I am a part of something that existed before and will continue to exist after I am no longer here. I felt a connection to the universe in an elemental way and the connection felt good.
Right now I am equally convinced I am made from collapsing stars, but not in the way I first interpreted Sagan.
Collapsing stars are black holes. The infinity of this moment is exquisitely painful - as I would imagine the gravitational force of a cosmic implosion and the creation of a black hole would be. The absence of light, complete destruction.
My pain feels as old as the stars and as expansive. It's not a tap root that I can pluck out of my soul. It is Pando, the trembling giant. The largest single living organism, 80 thousand years old and 6 million kg. Heavy, alive and growing. The only connection I feel in this infinite moment is the connection to greater and deeper root system of pain. This infinity is lonely, and dark, and burning cold. What I think I know about black hole's is that nothing that we suspect has gone in has ever come out - at least as we know it in this dimension. It is theorized that black holes in our universe are the beginnings of universes elsewhere. If this infinite moment ends I won't exist anymore - not as I have existed before. Is that creation then?
Saturday, July 7, 2018
Someone turns ten
Today is the tenth birthday of my little guy. For a while we convinced him he had outgrown presents, then we convinced him he had only one. I thought it was funny - he did not!
He wanted wonder woman waffles for breakfast and so that's what he got,. Next on the agenda was swimming at the multiplex. He had a great day - and got to wear his new orange dirt biking gear!
Friday, July 6, 2018
Three Beautiful Things
1. Artwork from my youngest. Our cat "Orange".
I'm sensing a theme here.
3. The artist himself. Strangely not in his favorite color. I'll let you guess what it is.
Thursday, July 5, 2018
Thursday Thirteen: CANADA
It was Canada day this week so I am celebrating thirteen things I love about Canada.
1. Poutine
2. Northern Lights
3. Lake Louise
4. Tim Hortons Coffee
5. Ketchup Chips
6. Equal Marriage all across Canada Since 2005
7. Terry Fox
8. Viola Desmond
9. Universal Public Healthcare
10. The Maple Leaf
11. Smarties
12. Beavers
13. John Candy
1. Poutine
2. Northern Lights
3. Lake Louise
4. Tim Hortons Coffee
5. Ketchup Chips
6. Equal Marriage all across Canada Since 2005
7. Terry Fox
8. Viola Desmond
9. Universal Public Healthcare
10. The Maple Leaf
11. Smarties
12. Beavers
13. John Candy
We have failed the children.
I am writing this in response to an article published in the Globe and Mail about Children with Special needs in Ontario being asked to stay home from school for at least part of the day.
I'm not a parent of a special needs child in Ontario but I'm a parent of a special needs child who has experienced this EXACT thing.
Before I continue let me say that this has been a tough year for school administrators, teachers, aides, my sons and myself. I am not attempting to lay blame on anyone for what has transpired. This is simply a small portion of what I have experienced this year.
I am NOT writing this to suggest I have the answers.
I am NOT writing this to demean any person that has worked with and for my son - tirelessly.
So what AM I saying then?
We have failed these special needs children.
My oldest son was suspended from school in November for asking for a pair of scissors so that he could kill the principal and kill himself. He is 11 years old and has been diagnosed with FASD. His functional age is somewhere in the 2 - 3 year old realm. He is a big boy - 5'9'' and over 230 pounds and he towers over most people in his school. He was suspended for Friday and when the weekend was over and I called to find out what was happening with him I was told he could not return to class until there was a plan in place to deal with his outbursts. He had many and they were not pretty. They devolved to the incident in which he asked for scissors. It took MANY MONTHS for a plan to be implemented and when that plan was implemented it was for him to attend school for one hour per day until he could tolerate more time being added.
An assessment was done by the school and a team of professionals which deemed him unsafe to be in school. I have never seen this assessment.
I do not doubt that the things he was doing in school caused him to be deemed unsafe. I don't doubt the horrible experience of those in the school who were dealing with him. I support the decision that was made that said " the traditional school environment is too much for this kid to handle" - (although nothing was ever said so concisely). I don't want to be the parent of a kid that goes to school and hurts others. Absolutely not. My kid is not a kid who fits into a traditional classroom setting - and I get that.
What I AM saying is - there is no place for these kids. There is no place for MY SON in the educational system. Trying to advocate for him was an absolute nightmare in which a top school official called me a "liar" in one meeting in front of a HOST of professionals sitting around the table to attempt to solve this problem. (Needless to say that meeting was a treat to attend).
Getting him to school for one hour per day was RIDICULOUSLY difficult and impossible to maintain. I doubt any family with working parents could support this schedule. I work full time and I had to find a full time babysitter who could take an eleven year old ALL day, every day, - but get him to school for one hour of those days. I was blessed to be able to find someone amazing enough to take him, but she was not able to get him to school every single day. Neither was I. We both live more than 30 km from the school in one direction, and that's just ONE of the obstacles we faced.
There was no shortage of time and effort spent on trying to get him back to school. We had ENDLESS meetings with countless professionals - one meeting lasting longer than five hours into the evening.
We have failed these children.
The issue isn't the individuals in the school - some of them genuinely like my guy and are willing to work with him.
The issue isn't the funding - there's a pretty significant chunk of change to support my guy in school.
There was simply no solution that worked for the school and worked for the family that provided any opportunity for my guy to learn. He is capable of learning.
He can't read or write. He can't do math. He has no friends. He has two places in the world where he feels safe to be himself - where he is not a threat to anyone, but a kind and thoughtful and exceptionally hard working young man.
There's a handful of people who really want my kid to succeed, including people at his school, but there are no easy answers and while we look for solutions we are losing the kids.
I'm not a parent of a special needs child in Ontario but I'm a parent of a special needs child who has experienced this EXACT thing.
Before I continue let me say that this has been a tough year for school administrators, teachers, aides, my sons and myself. I am not attempting to lay blame on anyone for what has transpired. This is simply a small portion of what I have experienced this year.
I am NOT writing this to suggest I have the answers.
I am NOT writing this to demean any person that has worked with and for my son - tirelessly.
So what AM I saying then?
We have failed these special needs children.
My oldest son was suspended from school in November for asking for a pair of scissors so that he could kill the principal and kill himself. He is 11 years old and has been diagnosed with FASD. His functional age is somewhere in the 2 - 3 year old realm. He is a big boy - 5'9'' and over 230 pounds and he towers over most people in his school. He was suspended for Friday and when the weekend was over and I called to find out what was happening with him I was told he could not return to class until there was a plan in place to deal with his outbursts. He had many and they were not pretty. They devolved to the incident in which he asked for scissors. It took MANY MONTHS for a plan to be implemented and when that plan was implemented it was for him to attend school for one hour per day until he could tolerate more time being added.
An assessment was done by the school and a team of professionals which deemed him unsafe to be in school. I have never seen this assessment.
I do not doubt that the things he was doing in school caused him to be deemed unsafe. I don't doubt the horrible experience of those in the school who were dealing with him. I support the decision that was made that said " the traditional school environment is too much for this kid to handle" - (although nothing was ever said so concisely). I don't want to be the parent of a kid that goes to school and hurts others. Absolutely not. My kid is not a kid who fits into a traditional classroom setting - and I get that.
What I AM saying is - there is no place for these kids. There is no place for MY SON in the educational system. Trying to advocate for him was an absolute nightmare in which a top school official called me a "liar" in one meeting in front of a HOST of professionals sitting around the table to attempt to solve this problem. (Needless to say that meeting was a treat to attend).
Getting him to school for one hour per day was RIDICULOUSLY difficult and impossible to maintain. I doubt any family with working parents could support this schedule. I work full time and I had to find a full time babysitter who could take an eleven year old ALL day, every day, - but get him to school for one hour of those days. I was blessed to be able to find someone amazing enough to take him, but she was not able to get him to school every single day. Neither was I. We both live more than 30 km from the school in one direction, and that's just ONE of the obstacles we faced.
There was no shortage of time and effort spent on trying to get him back to school. We had ENDLESS meetings with countless professionals - one meeting lasting longer than five hours into the evening.
We have failed these children.
The issue isn't the individuals in the school - some of them genuinely like my guy and are willing to work with him.
The issue isn't the funding - there's a pretty significant chunk of change to support my guy in school.
There was simply no solution that worked for the school and worked for the family that provided any opportunity for my guy to learn. He is capable of learning.
He can't read or write. He can't do math. He has no friends. He has two places in the world where he feels safe to be himself - where he is not a threat to anyone, but a kind and thoughtful and exceptionally hard working young man.
There's a handful of people who really want my kid to succeed, including people at his school, but there are no easy answers and while we look for solutions we are losing the kids.
WOO HOO!!!!!
I am back!!!!
I have a laptop and I am connected to the internet and I am BACK baby. YEAH.
I have missed blogging and there has been a crap ton happen in the last year that would have taken me away from blogging anyway, but things seem to be settling down now and I have the means with which to post so here I am.
So here's a quick update:
I am now separated and living alone with the two oldest boys. My goal is to get a divorce as soon as I am able but I have to wait until I have been legally separated for a year.
I am no longer fostering children. Unfortunately because I have to work full time I can't be home full time with the kids and we were licensed as a couple to be foster parents - I was not licensed as a single person - I have lost the three littles to another foster home in another community. It has been the hardest thing to come to terms with out of everything that has happened and I miss them desperately - all the time.
Overall, I am happier than I have been for a LONG time - and that's saying something! Don't get me wrong - life is not easy - but things are looking up, and now I can get back to writing which I love and miss. Here we go. Keep your hands and arms inside the ride at all times.
I have a laptop and I am connected to the internet and I am BACK baby. YEAH.
I have missed blogging and there has been a crap ton happen in the last year that would have taken me away from blogging anyway, but things seem to be settling down now and I have the means with which to post so here I am.
So here's a quick update:
I am now separated and living alone with the two oldest boys. My goal is to get a divorce as soon as I am able but I have to wait until I have been legally separated for a year.
I am no longer fostering children. Unfortunately because I have to work full time I can't be home full time with the kids and we were licensed as a couple to be foster parents - I was not licensed as a single person - I have lost the three littles to another foster home in another community. It has been the hardest thing to come to terms with out of everything that has happened and I miss them desperately - all the time.
Overall, I am happier than I have been for a LONG time - and that's saying something! Don't get me wrong - life is not easy - but things are looking up, and now I can get back to writing which I love and miss. Here we go. Keep your hands and arms inside the ride at all times.
Saturday, March 10, 2018
Back in the saddle
Wow I can’t believe it has been two years since I have blogged. I am struggling to get my computer to log me into my blog so this is an attempt to write from my phone. We will see if I can sort out all the glitches and start posting again!
Thursday, April 14, 2016
Thursday Thirteeen : My favourite American Idol performances
I have to admit it, I was a HUGE fan of American Idol. I have watched since season one and I have loved almost every season. I was so sad that it ended this season, it was truly a show we could watch with the kids that was good and wholesome entertainment. Over the years I have had a few favourite performances. I am trying to recall which of them over the years made an impact on me.
1. Pia Toscano was one of my favourites on American Idol. She sang, I'll stand by you, and the fact she is easy on the eyes never hurts at all.
2. Fantasia sang "Summertime" and killed it.
3. Clay Aiken singing "Bridge over troubled Water".
4. I have had a crush on Kelly Clarkson since the first time I heard her audition on Idol. I could put all of her performances as favourites and make this entire post about her but I restrained myself. Here is just one of my faves. "Without you".
5. Adam Lambert . Mad World.
6. Chris Daughtry. I walk the Line.
7. Crystal Bowersox. Midnight Train to Georgia
Crystal gave a better performance in my opinion of "Come Together" - but I prefer Midnight Train to Georgia.
8. Katherine McPhee.
All of Katherine's performances were good. Black Horse and a cherry tree was great, but I think "Somewhere over the Rainbow" was a bigger fan favourite. Oh, and she is hot.
9. David Cook. Eleanor Rigby
10. David Archuleta. Imagine
11. Dalton Rapponi "Sounds of Silence"
Dalton was my favourite of this last season and I was disappointed he finished third.
12. Trent Harmon "Chandelier"
I was not a fan of Trent - who won this season - until he sang this song.
13. Lee DeWyze "Hallelujah"
This is one of my favourite songs.
1. Pia Toscano was one of my favourites on American Idol. She sang, I'll stand by you, and the fact she is easy on the eyes never hurts at all.
2. Fantasia sang "Summertime" and killed it.
3. Clay Aiken singing "Bridge over troubled Water".
4. I have had a crush on Kelly Clarkson since the first time I heard her audition on Idol. I could put all of her performances as favourites and make this entire post about her but I restrained myself. Here is just one of my faves. "Without you".
5. Adam Lambert . Mad World.
6. Chris Daughtry. I walk the Line.
7. Crystal Bowersox. Midnight Train to Georgia
Crystal gave a better performance in my opinion of "Come Together" - but I prefer Midnight Train to Georgia.
8. Katherine McPhee.
All of Katherine's performances were good. Black Horse and a cherry tree was great, but I think "Somewhere over the Rainbow" was a bigger fan favourite. Oh, and she is hot.
9. David Cook. Eleanor Rigby
10. David Archuleta. Imagine
11. Dalton Rapponi "Sounds of Silence"
Dalton was my favourite of this last season and I was disappointed he finished third.
12. Trent Harmon "Chandelier"
I was not a fan of Trent - who won this season - until he sang this song.
13. Lee DeWyze "Hallelujah"
This is one of my favourite songs.
Wednesday, April 13, 2016
12 of 12 : April
Normally I do much better at this than I did this month and now I am having difficulty with my blog formatting which is frustrating. Oh well. Here are my twelve photos - only ten from today because apparently that was all I took today - and not in order of how the day progressed because that's how they are uploading today apparently.
#1. Here is my girl at the end of the day going through all of her clean clothes and wearing everything she could get her hands on. I used to wonder why we had so much laundry - but I have to keep a close eye on this one who will put clothes into the laundry pile even if she wears them for two minutes - as evidenced by her actions this evening.
#3. My Tibetan Prayer flags hanging outside my bedroom window. I need all the prayers I can get.
#4. It is warm enough to wear my birkenstocks today. I may be a little premature since it is only April, but I am being optimistic. There is even a little green grass starting to show.
#5. It's almost a daily visit to Sara's now that the sheep are lambing and some need to be bottle fed. I don't know if she is sick of us or not yet but the kids want to go every day to see what is unfolding at the farm and help with chores.
#6. Here is another one not from today. This weekend we raked the yard with lots of help.
#7. Max is determined to have a garden this year so he got some of the seeds started. He wasn't waiting around for me to get to it!
#8. Feed the lambs. Check. Oil the bikes. Check. CJ got done everything on his list today!
#9. Obligatory photo of the dog.
#10. You cant see in this photo but there is a calf in this pen ( by the name of Steve ) who was the intended recipient of this visit.
#11. Bottle babies. Dr. Pepper is just what the doctor ordered.
#12. The end of my day every Tuesday. Ink Master. Love this show.
Thursday, April 7, 2016
Thursday thirteen: My favourite Liverpool FC players
Here is a list of the thirteen former players I love the most from Liverpool FC.
I have linked all of them to pages with more information about them so if you are interested you
can follow the links by clicking on their names. Most links are to Wikipedia pages except for
Micheal Owen and Jamie Carragher who have their own websites.
My personal all time favorite is Daniel Agger.
1.
Daniel Agger
5.
Dirk Kuyt
7.
Luis Suarez
9.
Ian Rush
10.
Micheal Owen
11.
Xabi Alonso
12.
Kenny Daglish
13.
Robbie Fowler
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